Wine knowledge for normals, Part II.0: How to taste your wine like a boss

Before you click through and start reading about noble wines, you gots to know how to taste like a pro.

Part II (in two little parts) of this series is here which means I survived Winterlicious. Huzzah! Oh, and I also received my results from my WSET Level I course — passed with a 93%. Got a diploma and e’erythang. Huzzah again!

Buckle the fack up, kids — here comes the most interesting part of your Booze Noob-delivered wine education. And it’s gonna make your nose/palate area smarter. Like a boss.

Now, if you live in an area of the world that is—as Toronto is right now — cold as ALL HELL, I know you may be dealing with some congestion, due to either the residual effects of a nasty cold (like me), or because you just came in from outside where it’s a balmy -40C and now your nose won’t stop running and you feel like you’re single-handedly keeping Kleenex in business. HOW IS THIS FAIR? DAMN YOU, FEBRUARY!

But no worries—you actually won’t technically need your nose and its usual smelling capabilities to learn today. Here comes a great cheat sheet to help you know what aromas and flavours to generally expect from the seven noble wines that exist.

But first, I’ll be covering how to properly taste a glass of wine. Then we’ll get into the noble wines because shit, son, we’re all busy, right?

So once your face-hole opens up and you can breathe like a normal human being who doesn’t have to suffer through Arctic-like weather everyday, you can start buying yourself bottles of these most prominent and readily available wine varietals (which you’ve likely tried before) and do your own pro taste tests at home. And you’ll know what mouthfeel, aromas, and flavours you can expect in all of them.

Something to look forward to, right? So read on, dollface.

Look, swirl, sniff, taste… Like a boss

For the less wine-smart, I know that if you’ve ever observed someone serious about wine taste a glass, they look—frankly—silly. They swirl the wine, they take big sniffs of it, they slosh it around in their mouths. It looks bloody weird.

But it’s because they’re going through a multi-step ritual that enhances the experience of tasting a glass of wine. Honestly—it’s not just to look pompous.

There are four basic steps you should take first if you’re interested in identifying the individual components of any wine, or even what kind of wine is in your glass without being told (holy shit!). In the end, it’s like playing a fun educated-guessing game (I’m geeking out, here)!

So before you learn anything about the seven most O.G. wines that exist (also known as the “noble wines”), you really need to know how to taste them properly. Otherwise, you’ll just be a poseur, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Four steps to savouring your glass of wine… Like a boss

View your grape drank from above and note its variation of colours.

1. Look at it. Hold your wine glass up and tilt it, viewing it from above, and preferably against a white background. Note the colour — if it’s a white, is it more golden, or more clear? If it’s a red, is it a dense, rich burgundy, or is it a more watery pinkish-red? How do its colours change from the centre to its edges? Each of the noble wines presents a distinct colour characteristic that can help you make an educated guess as to what you’re about to drink before you even smell or taste it. Isn’t that neat? I’m geeking out again.
2. Swirl it.

Swirl Method #1: You fancy now.

You can either hold the glass in the air by the stem and swirl it or use my preferred method (because I’m prone to spilling everything): Keep the glass base on the tabletop and swirl the base in circles. This is kind of the iconic “wine snob” manoeuvre, but it’s actually crucial to the whole tasting process. Swirling the wine and allowing it to hit the sides of the glass releases its aromas, or “bouquet”. Just do it.

Swirl Method #2: The spill-proof swirl for the spill-prone.

Breathe it in, darlings.

3. Sniff it like you mean it. Don’t just take a tiny little whiff above the rim of the glass — the most effective way to smell that bouquet is to actually shove as much of your nose into the glass as possible and inhale deeply. You’re an anteater going at an ant hill — don’t be shy. Really smell that shit. (This step will also be super important when we get to the wine-specific cheat sheet section of this learnin’ fun ride.)

4. Taste it. Finally. But don’t just take a gulp. Nope, this most fun step has its directions, too. First, slosh a mouthful around in your mouth like mouthwash, coating your cheeks and everything. This will help saturate your palate, priming it for an actual taste.

Don’t swallow yet! Settle that mouthful on your tongue and get comfortable slurping. The goal here is to get some air in to oxygenate that wine in so it’ll release even more of its flavours. Imagine you’re taking in a mouthful of spaghetti. Purse your lips, suck in your cheeks, and bring in some air—you should feel air bubbles crossing the surface of the wine in your mouth. Next, give it one last slosh around—that oxygenated wine has released more flavour, so give your whole mouth the entire experience of it.

Now you can swallow (insert dirty joke here).

Note: First time slosher-and-suckers might find this process a little messy until you get used to it. When you reach the slurping part of your tasting, you may want to keep your glass positioned to catch any drips from your maw. But no matter how much you dribble initially, don’t skip this step — it truly makes it easier to identify all the flavours at work. Believe me, I wouldn’t slurp in public like a lunatic unless I knew I was doing something worthwhile.

Characteristics to consider when tasting like a boss

Sniffing your wine before you taste it isn’t just a fun part of a guessing game called “What wine am I about to drink?” — it’s also necessary in making sure the stuff you’re about to gulp hasn’t gone bad.

Wine is technically living and therefore, like most living things, is sometimes fickle. Smelling your wine first can help you know if it’s turned on you. If only people were as easy to read, amiright?

I’ve tried bad, old, stale, and corked wines before (for educative purposes and by accident) and believe me — you really want to make sure you know what a fresh wine smells like versus a stale one.

Bad wine monster.

When smelling, your nose-brain is on the hunt for fruity aromas. Fruity means fresh and safe. If you get a whiff of anything musty that brings to mind that wet cardboard box you found in your garage or basement that one time, stop immediately. And I’m being serious about the wet cardboard thing. That’s actually a smell that will indicate your wine has turned. Other smells to keep your nose-brain on the lookout for are vinegar and nail polish—if you smell these, do not drink. I mean, duh—do you want to drink musty cardboard, straight vinegar, or nail polish? If the answer is yes, you have bigger problems than I can help you solve.

In terms of tasting, there are a few characteristics to keep your mouth-eyes peeled for:

• Sweetness — Is it dry, medium, or sweet?
• Fruits and flowers—You can smell anything from pineapple to blackberries, violets to lavender in a wine.
• Spices and oak—If you smell vanilla, it usually means the wine’s been made with the use of oak. Some reds (like Shiraz) deliver distinct peppery flavours (one of my favourite characteristics in a red wine).
• Vegetal—Think green here (defined also as “herbaceous”), like bell pepper, cut grass, or asparagus.
• And, uh, other flavours—Some more complex and usually more aged wines will deliver other flavours you would probably never expect to find in a wine. For example: mushroom, wet leaves, or what I like to call “wet forest floor” — aka earthiness. Once, I tried a wine that tasted of “cigar box”, and yes, I found it about as pleasant as eating an actual cigar box.

Also pay mouth-attention to the body or mouthfeel of the wine (does it feel light, medium, or full on your tongue and cheeks), and whether the wine is highly tannic or acidic. And maybe re-read Part I of this series for a refresher on all this stuff.

Note: A great way to determine the acidity of a wine is by doing something simple my WSET instructor taught me called “the drool test” (mmm). If you’re on the fence as to whether or not a wine qualifies as “highly acidic”, after you swallow your wine, immediately tilt your head forward and keep your mouth open. If your drool dribbles forward, coating your mouth, you got yourself an acidic wine. If your mouth remains feeling dry, it’s more tannic or less acidic. I know, it’s super sexy. But it works, and I totally found it neat.
Stop judging me.

You still with me? Alright, now that we know how to properly take in a taster of wine to fully appreciate it, let’s get to deconstructing those big mama noble wines.

Click on to get to more learnin’!

Marta S is a freelance writer and bartender living and working in Toronto. She also has a nifty monthly column called Behind the Boîte, profiling the personalities in Toronto’s independent food & beverage scene. Email her at marta@behindtheboite.com.