When People Look at You Like You’d Only Be a Walking Vagina
Far too often, men give you “the look” — it’s disgusting. React fearless but not foolish.
At the age of 14, I visited a waterpark in Spain. I ran around in a colorful bikini and tried all the thrilling slides the park had to offer. At the bottom of the most exciting slide stood a man, probably a lifeguard. He was at least double my age. Every time I arrived at the end of the slide, he gave me the look. When you’re a woman, I presume you know which look I mean. It’s when the man stares at you like you’re nothing more than your body, and he has the appetite to pull down your clothes as fast as possible and…
As far as I remember, it was the first time a man looked at me that way. The last time was three days ago.
Before the first and the last glance (the last one for now), dozens of similar incidents happened. Here are two examples: A man under the influence of alcohol offered me money to go with him somewhere (I denied) and for the first time in my life, a young man touched me from behind during a party (I wish I would have said something, but I didn’t).
A Victim is more than a number
I guess I have always been lucky.
Alone in 2018 in the US, 127.258 people got raped. That is the number of victims who reported the rape to the police. In reality, experts assume that there are more than 430.000 victims of rape and sexual assault per year.
Think about five women you like. Imagine them clearly in front of you. The CDC suggests that, on average, one of them was raped or will get raped in her life. It can be you, me, your mom, sister, best friend, daughter. You can’t know who suffers now or who will suffer someday from rape. Most victims suffer in silence.
Be shocked
Three days ago, when I got the look again, I was shopping with my mom for the first time since COVID-19. Before we even started, a group of four to five men crossed us and gave me the look. I have to admit: I didn’t notice. Or maybe I did, but it had already become normal for me to get reduced on my appearance. It was my mom who was shocked. “Oh my gosh,” she said, “did you see that? They looked like they wanted to rip your clothes off!”
She was worried like most moms are. At first, I made fun of her concerns, until I understood that, perhaps, she had every right to worry. I wonder what would have happened if it would have been dark. What if my mom wouldn’t have been there? What if the men have had one drink or two? Would they have looked and moved on or stopped and pushed me against the wall and ripped my clothes off?
Over the years, I accepted the looks, and sometimes, I even took them as a compliment, until I realized that these looks had nothing to do with me — only with my vagina.
However, I don’t feel harmed by their looks. It’s often uncomfortable, but it isn’t the actual problem. Who suffers from the real problem is the girl that walks home in the middle of the night after an amusing party. The girl who crosses a man, and there is nothing that holds him back. When he looks at her but doesn’t see the consequences. When he goes from looking and thinking over to touching and taking what shouldn’t belong to him.
And, yes, this can be an issue for every boy who walks home in the middle of the night, too. One out of 71 men gets raped. So the real problem here isn’t “the men” — most men don’t think with what is between their legs. #MeToo exposed that the whole society is problematic, and we don’t want to face the ugly truth. We also don’t react strongly enough. Only 5% of rapists ever spend a day in jail.
But you already knew that this problem is huge, didn’t you?
I knew it, and yet, I missed to pay attention to the looks. The next time someone gives me the look, I will walk away. Fast. Because that look never has a good intention. Don’t take it as a compliment. It’s a warning sign. It doesn’t mean that the person is going to rape you, but it reveals missing respect.
