Parents, Your Kids See You.
Is ideal parenting ever attainable? Can we inspire our children to engage with the world from a place of worthiness?
I am not a parent. But one day I will be.
When I was at the university, one of the classes I most looked forward to was child development. Each lecture elicited a thought-provoking question, one that might be debated for hours. When my professor was explaining Erikson, Bandura and Piaget’s theories, I remember not blinking. My mind was running like a hamster in a mill. Even 6 years later, I still spend a great deal of time sorting through which parenting practices make the most sense.
Is ideal parenting ever attainable? Has anyone yet met a perfect parent?
So why are we striving so hard to parent the “right” way? Or even worse, why are we so judgemental toward others’ parenting styles?
First three years are crucial, they said. First, seven years shape your child’s character, they said. How bad can we mess up? And why does it appear that major parental errors occur on a regular basis?
Let’s face it, nobody has the clue what they are doing. The majority of people conveniently imitate their parents’ styles. You can’t blame; after all, how could we know any other way when that is all we’ve ever seen growing up?
Worst of all, having the patience to work on our parenting skills, seems to fall at the bottom of our bucket list. Parenting is not taught in schools, and we don’t have the trust or interest to be advised on raising our own children. It also doesn’t help that there are numerous theories, opinions, and styles wrapped up in a decor paper called ego.
But we have responsibility. To educate ourselves, to learn from others, to share our own mistakes, to explore deeper meaning behind behaviors of our parents, to analyze our emotions and to keep having these difficult conversations. Indeed, parenting is one of the most rewarding yet the most challenging experiences.
Has your heart rate gone up a nudge? If so, it’s because the fear of being seen as imperfect appeared.
Truth to be told, there is a great deal of shame in what we do and how we do it. As a consequence, we either pass judgment on those around us or look for justifications for our own poor choices. It’s a vicious loop of sloopy thought processing accompanied with impulsive decision making that leads to less acceptable parenting behaviors. One reassuring thought is that every parent experiences this at some point. You are not alone.
As a parent, you are a leader. You, most of the times, lead by an example. Your kids see you. That time you picked up the trash that isn’t yours. That time when you gossiped about other mother. That time you kept staring in your phone avoiding your child. That time you opened the door for an older lady. That time you started arguing with a person who cut you in the grocery store cue. That time you forgave, took a deep breath and smiled at someone who made a mistake. That time you looked at yourself in the mirror. Your kids see you. And they will copy you.
By being mindful about bettering ourselves, we have a chance to lighten up the lives of our children. I believe showing hopefulness on a daily basis is one crucial aspect of parenting. First, it is attainable to bring optimism in your household. And second, it shapes how children perceive and how they learn to think about themselves and world around them.
Wouldn’t we all want our kids to grow as cheerful, positive, hard-working, determined and kind adults?
In my last article 4 Steps to Embrace New Definition of Hope, I discussed the hope as an active state of mind; a function of thought that accepts any given struggle and adjusts the strategy to overcome the adversity.
Our children are more likely to walk with confidence as adults if they accept this way of thinking from an early age. They can develop deep sense of conviction that they are deserving of happiness. If we give kids hope, they will naturally look for silver lining and appreciate life when it is kind to them. They will understand that it won’t always always be simple but that they can shift their perspective and pick a different path to create a life they enjoy.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent.
In fact, when your mistakes happen, openly conversing about it with your child is worth more than any other parenting strategy you know.
By doing so, you show vulnerability. You ask for forgiveness and you cultivate kindness. You provide an example to your child how to love oneself. And you instill in them the value of being conscious of one’s own and others’ needs. Couldn’t we all use little more compassion these days?
Children are the most forgiving, merciful beings on this planet. By nature. Perfectionism, cynicism, armoring, and pretending are just some of the traits they pick up from watching us do it. What if parents’ primary focus shifts to teaching their children to reject masks and embrace their flaws instead?
Every time we practice self-compassion, they learn it too.
Conclusion
As parents, we have responsibility to share journey of growth, change and learning. The hardest thing is to see our child struggle. If we try to numb the negative emotions, we also numb the chance to experience positive emotions. We must allow them to face difficulty and welcome them with open arms as a result. They will learn that we have permission to be ourselves with each other, even if that includes crying and grieving. Day-to-day, we have to share gratitude and honor perseverance. We must practice courage to show up, to be seen and known as we are. Parenting mistakes will happen, but our children will learn accountability by watching us genuinely making amends.
Undoubtedly, we can inspire our children to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.
I am not a parent. But one day I will be.
