Why Your Sexy Profile Photos Threaten Men
This post showed up in my Medium feed today. “Top 5 Turn-Offs on a Woman’s Tinder Profile.” I’ll start by saying I agree with 3 of the author’s five turn-offs.
- Sunglasses subconsciously make people think you’re hiding something. You always want to give potential matches the impression you’re looking right at them. That kind of eye contact conveys confidence and availability.
- Photos with the opposite sex come off as though you’re telling potential matches not to swipe right unless they look as attractive or more so than the person in the photo. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. People are allowed to like what they like. The problem is we often underestimate our attractiveness. Well. Women do. Men? Not so much. Singles use photos of themselves with the opposite sex to establish social proof. We want people to know other men or women want us. That’s natural. It just often backfires.
- As for smiling, your mileage may vary. I agree. Smiles convey warmth and positivity. Many singles don’t like having their photo taken. They end up looking stiff. It’s not intentional.
Sending mixed messages.
Now let’s get to the turn-off that rubbed me the wrong way. It’s the one about women posting photos of themselves scantily clad.
I’m not talking about how bad or morally appropriate it is to show your lustful body parts from different and exotic angles. However, I might say that doing so repeatedly doesn’t leave anything left to our kinky imagination. You’re sending one visual message but telling us another one in the bio. This mismatch is confusing! What type of guys do you think you’re attracting when you show off your body like that? Probably the ones that just want sex.
Dear Pavle:
It’s not confusing to men who see women as three-dimensional beings, not sex robots. You reveal a great deal about yourself with a statement like this. As a woman and a coach, I can tell you women aren’t eagerly posting bikini or lingerie photos to their profiles. Not only do they not want to be judged by men like you, but they also don’t wish to invite the inevitable lewd commentary. Because so many men lack appropriate boundaries, they take a woman’s choice to wear something that draws attention to their body as an open call to objectify them graphically.
Imagine if your matches sent messages focused on your crotch, asking how well-endowed you were or if you knew how to use it properly to pleasure a woman. You’re probably thinking, “That would be so funny!” Maybe. Now I want you to imagine receiving messages of that nature, one after the other, every time you open the app. Eventually, you’d probably become self-conscious and wonder why women always look down there. Is there something wrong with it? Is it something I’m saying? While, as a man, you may not experience the shame women are conditioned to feel when men comment on our bodies, you’d likely begin to think it’s inappropriate.
Because it is.
It’s not about getting your approval
The visual cue a woman sends by posting a photo that draws attention to her figure is, “I think I look great in this! I love my body!”
We can’t have that now, can we, Pavle? God forbid a woman doesn’t need a man to tell her she’s beautiful. That’s what upsets men who find more provocative photos a turn-off. They don’t like the woman’s confidence. They need her to be dependent on his approval. Men sexualize us to dehumanize us. We are not sentient beings to them. We are dolls created for their pleasure.
When I help people with their dating profiles, the advice I give about what pictures to post is simple: Post whatever photo shows confidence. If you’re comfortable with what you upload, that’s all that matters.
Here’s the reality for women, Pavle. It doesn’t matter what we’re wearing in those photos. If a man is one to sexualize a woman he doesn’t know, he will do so regardless of how much or how little clothing she wears.
That’s why women should wear whatever they choose in their dating profile photos and not worry about what men like you might think.
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Christan Marashio is an internationally recognized trauma-informed certified dating coach. In addition to her certification, she has a Communications degree from Emerson College and 15 years of experience advising singles across the globe. She applies her trauma training to dating because dating these days is legitimately traumatic. Feel free to submit your question; she’ll answer it here, on Tik Tok, or her podcast. Her insights have been featured in Glamor, Men’s Health, Today.com, and other media outlets.
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