ME: bachelorette #1, how would you like to die
B1: …… what?
[buzzer goes off]
ME: bachelorette #2, same question
B2: please hit my head with a tire iron by the ocean
ME: After 10 grueling years, we have finally invented the perfect solution for training cats to swim
INVESTORS: yeah we found something else. good luck [they open the door and turn to leave]
GUARD: he’s escaping!
[the sirens go off as the guards notice me crawl out of a hole in ground]
ME: [running from yelling guards and barking dogs] SHIT SHIT SHIT
ME: my therapist said it would be a good idea to get some fresh air
MOM: you should totally go for it
ME: [takes one small step onto front patio] hey this isn’t so bad
ME: you sure you know what you’re doing
MAID: of course. the dentist is out for a bit so I’ll be doing your cleaning
ME: [watches as she places cleaning tools on the table]
SOLDIER: [hands gas mask] put this on
ME: why
SOLDIER: they’re pinning us with mustard gas
ME: .. we talking name brand or that generic shit?
“Sir the Russians are launching. What do we do?”
“Fire back!”
[locates nuclear launch button]
“HIT THE DECK”
[presses]
Waldo: You found me
Me: Excuse me mam. Do y’all offer any gluten free options?
Waitress: O you think this gluten is FREE?
Me: Huh. No. I have celiac..
Waitress: We WORK for our gluten here.
[customer locks eyes with me] She grins as she pushes the bag of sugar off the top shelf.
“What are you gonna do about it” she asks.
I begin sweating nervously as she glides my direction.