PRIEST: I command you, spawn of Satan, to release this child in the name of God
[sprinkles it with hot dog water]
PRIEST: how do you feel?
[the little girl opens her eyes, wider, wider, and wider still. she begins…
Alone in a hospital but reluctant to be alive, we recaptured one of the enemy strongholds on the Western side of Aleppo.
We celebrated by resting.
There were no hugs, no tears of joy, and no happiness. Losing fellow soldiers, our…
She fell from several stories up and landed on my back.
“Ya pig ya!” she cried out
I took off running down the street without seeing or understanding my piggyback riding captor.
If you have to poop and there’s not a bathroom within the estimated time frame you’ve created based on the feeling of urgency, then befriend the nearest tree.
Trees get pooped on all the time. Birds. Bugs. Bears. Squirrels. Deer. Trees are cool with it. Sure they…
[at a coffee shop]
ME: [nervous] how are you?
DATE: I’m good. How are….. wait what’s going on?
[a massive sweat bead forms on my forehead]
BOSS: I got you a gift
EMPLOYEE: [unwraps] a set of tiny sweaters. thank you..
BOSS: I put em on my hundred dollar bills
EMP: why
[Smokey giving a riveting speech about forest fire prevention]
SMOKEY: And remember kids, only you can prevent forest fires.
[applause]
Hunter: Let’s set a booby trap and catch this thing
“Would you wipe up what looks like an oil slick off the table” asked the customer.
Swat Guy: POLICE. OPEN UP
Me: FUCK YOU
“DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE”
Swat Guy 2: *softly* that’s not what we say
SG: o yeah
