My Gun Is The Only Health Insurance I Need
So shut up, listen, and hold my Pabst while I reload.
Everyone is complaining now about two things they have no business complaining about: guns and healthcare.
People are crying, like “If you repeal Obamercare I won’t be able to afford my medicine!” or “I have a pre-existing condition and Obamercare is the only way I can have health insurance!” That’s all hogwash to me.
I find that the people complaining about their health care are the same people trying to take my guns. Well, I have some news for you cucks.
I don’t need health insurance. I have a gun.
And my gun is always there to make sure I’m nice and safe. What’s keeping you safe? Your wiener dogs? LOL! (A wiener dog is the most liberal dog according to Breitbark.)
Let me tell you a story about how guns can save lives and why “health insurance” is the biggest scam since Barack HUSSEIN Obamer duped you dumb liberals into voting for him.
I never owned a gun and I was really sad and really single and lonely. I also had zits on my back and my neck and my face and girls would call me “Ugly Gunless Gary” and it upset me because I wasn’t ugly and I was self-conscious about my lack of a gun and my name was not Gary. So instead of complaining and seeing “professional help” I went off to a gun show in Tennessee and bought myself some guns. Right there, off the street. The easiest purchase I ever made.
Once I brought my guns back home, everything changed. My zits went away and I grew 6 inches. I also became irresistible to female women. I went from “Ugly Gunless Gary” to “Sexy Shooter Steve” and Steve is also not my name but it was okay because I had a gun now and I was cool.
I didn’t have to go to the doctor. I didn’t have to talk to a therapist about my “feelings.” I didn’t need health insurance, no less Obamercare, at all.
The only medicine I needed was a gun.
So why are you snowflakes trying to take this away from me? Maybe you should do the same thing I did. Go check out a gun fair and get yourself a gun. You’ll be happier after you do. And healthier.
Common cold? Gun.
Depression? Gun.
Acne? Gun.
Syphilis? Gun.
Cancer? Maybe two guns.
Even gay people can use guns. Women, too. And kids. All kids should have a gun in school so we don’t need to pay for school nurses anymore. A gun is much more cost-effective.
I wrote this poem about guns, because maybe this “art” will get through to you liberal pansies:
An Ode To Guns
I love guns
They’re fun
They make me happy
I can’t live without my guns
Take away my guns and I’ll faint
And I’ll need a gun to pick me back up
Obamercare is a SCARE!
Get guns for health care
I have some advice for you
I have a gun and you should, too!
In conclusion, guns are good. They don’t kill people. They help people in need. I’m the best example of that.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.
