When He Asks: What Do You Bring To The Table?
Treat your dating life like a job interview and never lose
My friend came to find me. She was fuming:
“These men are becoming more toxic by the day! Can you imagine — now they are asking women what they bring to the table?!”
Okay? My face might have asked.
“I bring myself!” She declared.
I nodded in agreement, “You bring yourself. That is such a powerful statement,” I told her.
“Yes!” She agreed. “Women need to put these men in their place. They should stop flailing about in the face of their responsibilities!”
“Exactly” I agreed, temporarily stalled on the novel I was writing…
“I bring my integrity,” She continued, “My loyalty to you, my faithfulness. A man who is asking a woman what she brings to the table is a toxic, manipulative, asshole who just wants to shirk his responsibilities!” S concluded.
We are Africans living in Africa, but I have two kids and no romantic entanglements, so to my girlfriends in relationships, I am the man — the man they go to to vent about their problems, not for me to fix it. Just vent. I am not complaining. I enjoy the peace.
But today, something in my face must have betrayed me because my friend started pestering me:
Seriously, what do you think? Am I missing something here? Is the question not toxic and manipulative?
“Actually,” I started, “I do not agree that a woman should have a problem with that question”
“What?! What are you saying? You have started again with all these your femini…”
I interrupted her. “My friend, T, you know her — Nigerian who lives in America with her husband?”
“Yes?” My friend said.
“Her husband works 80 hours a week. This enables him to earn three times what my friend makes. She does all the school runs for their kid. She works from home and it wasn’t discussed. It was by default — you are the woman, you do it and raise our kids. She takes care of the house all by house, but you know what happens when it is time to pay the bills?”
“What?” My friend asked
“The bills are split down to the middle. This man pays not a cent more than T.”
“Wow, that’s not fair,”. My friend said with much annoyance.
“It isn’t,” I agreed, “And on top of that, T is always scared that he will cheat on her or that he will leave her. Last we spoke, she was telling me that she wanted to be the image of the woman that he could be proud of.
“Hmm…,” My friend muttered, “T doesn’t have a lot of sense…”
I disagreed. “She does. She just does not know what she brings to the table,” I told my friend.
A new approach
Now I had my friend’s attention. I should have stopped here, but oh no. I was on a roll, “Every woman must know what she brings to the table. This is for her good, FIRST.
What do you bring to the table, a man asks.
Do not get offended. It is a good question.
But it sounds like a job interview. Am I his employee?
To this, I say:
“Treat, today’s relationship like a job interview and you will not lose. I bring this skill, that skill, and that and that to the relationship. If you were a caretaker to your sick parents, tell them you worked as a healthcare provider. If you worked in your parent’s shop, tell them you helped run and manage a business. Polish your skills, update them continuously, and always have them ready for presentation.”
“That is a different perspective,” My friend told me.
But, I was not done.
Women underestimate themselves when they are debating whether they are enough or not. Or laughably, when they say, I bring integrity, loyalty, faithfulness…
Madam, many other women bring those too. They are the basic. This is Africa. Women are raised to bring them. But, if that is all you bring, that might make some men suspicious that you will be a nag who will want to uphold them to your standards and values.
Some women say,
I can take care of the home.
Good. Remember that when you start complaining that he does not pull his weight in household chores, you told him that was what you were good at and brought that to the table.
I can manage money
He will hear — whose money do you want to manage? Better it not be mine. And if it is yours, you better have it.
I will be a good mother to our children
And so will so many other baby mamas he can afford.
When a woman knows what she brings to the table, and continuously updates it so it never goes out of style, being respected by her partner is easier — easier because she is seriously valuable to him.
Curiously, so many men today are said by many women to be self-conceited while it seems fewer other women have nice male partners. I think self-conceit thrives most in a field where the other person does not know their worth or where they have lost sight of their worth.
Back to my friend T who has a husband who works 80-hour weeks:
T’s husband can afford to do that because SHE makes it possible for him to, right?
Yet, T does not understand the power she wields. She’s living in fear that he will leave her, fear that she isn’t good enough for him.
That man should try paying a babysitter per week or a housekeeper, and he will have some idea of how T improves his life on the daily. This isn’t even so that he MAY have an idea. He knows. He has work colleagues and friends who must talk about the cost of babysitting. Yet, he splits bills down to the middle with T.
What will happen if T wakes up and says: Hey, I want to earn more so, WE have to come up with money for a babysitter and a housekeeper? WE, also have to decide how to cook our meals and clean up after ourselves.
He doesn’t want to? Well, if T walks away from his life, he will have to.
Flipping the script
A woman must have something valuable she brings to the table. She must. Next, she must be willing to walk away from any relationship where she is not treated valuably for the value she brings.
If you can find it everywhere else, and for that, you treat me irresponsibly then, I must take some responsibility by upgrading my values or I walk away if the irresponsibility is too much for me.
That is a woman’s responsibility to herself. That is anyone’s responsibility to themself.
Again, if a man does not know what a woman brings to his life, the woman is severely disadvantaged, especially if the man places a lot of value on tangible things.
Here, for half a minute, let us do a tiny mental exercise.
A man asks you what he brings to the table:
He is rich. He has a house, and 2 cars, and is registered at the town’s rich people’s club.
Sitting before him is a woman talking about being his equal, and all she brings to the table is her integrity, all her beliefs of what he is supposed to be, and do for her. Finally, she says, she also brings her femininity — her ability to be sensual to him.
Exercise ends.
What is your response to that woman?
But this is how some women put themselves at a disadvantage in their relationships. And I say this as an African woman who over and again, has seen women living the life of — he is the man and he must provide. This is our society’s socialization.
Rarely though, have I not seen my fellow women suffering greatly for the privilege of this wisdom. I am proof too and then, I never just brought myself.
Don’t take offense when a man asks, what do you bring to the table? You should be asking that question too.
Ask him: What do you bring to the table? After you have hit him with all that YOU bring to the table.
And in the course of your relationship, if you start bringing more, make sure he knows that too so he can also up his own game. And if what he is bringing to the table begins to lose sight of what you bring, it is time to update yourself.
What do you bring to the table?
There is no offense here. It isn’t toxic or manipulative. This should be an integral part of today’s relationship etiquette.
In the old days, the answer to the question, “What do you bring to the table?” brought about the mergers of wealthy homes, kingdoms, and great minds.
Why will any woman take offense because she is called upon to show off who she is?
Thank You For Reading.
Have you subscribed to my email list? Please do! I would also appreciate a cup of coffee. Thank you.
