Can a church actually be “welcoming but not affirming”?
My current church denomination, the United Methodist Church, has recently experienced a schism over (among other things but predominantly) whether gay and lesbian people can be married in the church and ordained as pastors. Many churches felt that such a policy is unbiblical and left the denomination. Meanwhile, a greater number of people than ever in the world are identifying as LGBTQ+[1].
Some churches describe themselves as “welcoming but not affirming,” which means that a gay person can participate in the church, but the church wouldn’t officiate a same-sex wedding or ordain gay people. Matthew West might not have been thinking of gay people when he penned the following words (from his song “Truth Be Told”), but I think they apply here.
There’s a sign on the door that says, “Come as you are,”
but I doubt it.
’Cause if we lived like that was true,
every Sunday morning pew would be crowded.
Most progressives and LGBTQ+ people can’t imagine that a church could actually love them and not affirm their sexuality or gender identity. Maybe it’s not, and churches will eventually be convicted and change our rules (like the churches that used to endorse slavery). But for now, churches that aren’t affirming aren’t off the hook from loving.
Is it actually possible for a church to be “welcoming but not affirming”? If so, what would it take?
My answer is: I think it’s theoretically possible, but I haven’t seen it.[2]
To my progressive readers: Though most of this article calls for change in theologically conservative churches, what I’m asking of you might be harder: to believe that other Christians can love you even if they consider your actions sinful. (Note that I’m not saying you have to believe they already do; they would need to show it by their actions.)
To my theologically conservative Christian readers: I hope you can read my suggestions with an open heart. I’m not asking you to change your theology — only to live it out more fully. I believe you can succeed, but it will require some deep soul-searching and a commitment to radically embracing God’s command to love others as ourselves.
Grace and the Christian conscience
First of all, we have to agree that one’s sexual behavior and gender identity are not salvation issues. That means we believe that your beliefs and actions here don’t change our salvation in any way. I don’t think anyone argues that it does, but non-affirming Christians and churches sure can act in ways that imply it. So for churches who want to be welcoming, it’s worth reiterating that Christians believe we are saved by faith in Jesus and nothing else, and that “good deeds” (including sexual morality) are evidence of faith and salvation, not pre-requisites.
Second, the Bible doesn’t give explicit instruction on every aspect of our lives. In the Gospels, we learn about Jesus and what he taught. The rest of the New Testament gives some specific answers to issues people were facing at that time and, relevant to this article, demonstrates how to apply Jesus’s teachings to situations he didn’t address specifically. Today, Christians face issues where they must discern what is right through knowledge of the Bible, communal wisdom, and guidance from the Holy Spirit.
Third, we will sometimes get it wrong. Humans are still works in progress, who won’t be perfect until we get to Heaven. Thus, we need to accept other Christians’ differing understandings in secondary matters. The Apostle Paul instructs us, in a discussion of meat sacrificed to idols, to respect people with a “weaker conscience.”
But here’s the thing: in most questions of the modern world, I can’t know if I’m the person with the weaker conscience. I have to abide by my own conscience, but I also have to accept that others are abiding by theirs. Sure, I might try to persuade — that’s this whole blog — but I can’t know if someone else is sinning. I don’t need to (it’s God’s job). Christians would be a lot better off if we always allowed the possibility that we could be wrong on non-salvation issues.
We should always start by checking ourselves. We shouldn’t change our beliefs just because culture is changing, but equally important, we shouldn’t assume we don’t have to change. I like this blog post about the difference between the truth of Scripture and the human enterprise of theology. If you have sincerely discerned a non-affirming theology, then affirming Christians must accept your belief and you must accept theirs. All of you should acknowledge that the Lord might change your heart, not theirs.
Inclusivity in churches
The early church was the most inclusive group I have ever heard of. A church that gained new converts daily was doing something right. But Christians from Constantine onward have often been violently opposed to what they don’t agree with.
In modern times, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many pastoral scandals of sexual abuse and misogyny happen in churches that preach submission of women.[3] When it comes to race, churches remain some of the most segregated social situations in America.
Conservative churches must therefore approach this issue with extra care, because they’re starting from a deep well, not a blank slate. Evangelicals today would do well to hear from “exvangelicals” or LGBTQ+ Christians, whose stories of being deeply hurt in the Church are not hard to find. If we ostracized everyone who did something wrong in our eyes, we’d be awfully lonely.
What would the disciples do?
The early church faced questions of inclusion as well. In the New Testament, we read about conflicts over whether the Jewish laws still applied to Gentiles. James exhorted churches not to show favoritism to the rich. Paul asked a slave owner to accept his former slave back as a free brother in Christ. They struggled through those questions and came out stronger.
Christians must go back to their overriding principle: “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Those clearly are differences, but that they don’t matter to our relationship with Jesus. Anyone who believes Jesus is the savior is equal before him.
All Christians receive the Holy Spirit when we believe. All Christians are given spiritual gifts. We have the same Great Commission. We are continually being “sanctified” (made more righteous), as the Holy Spirit points out to us ways that our thoughts and actions don’t yet measure up to God’s standards. That holds true for LGBTQ+ people who follow Jesus, too.
Practical considerations
Imagine being a church where a gay couple could feel comfortable enough to attend and grow in Christ, even if your stance was that gay relationships are sinful. Wouldn’t that level of love be the most amazing witness?
Following are some practical ways your church could become more welcoming even if it’s not affirming. Many of these suggestions would help affirming churches, too, since who doesn’t need more love and authenticity?
Focus on our identity in Christ
Make the identity of “Christ-follower” the overriding value of your church. The LGBTQ+ community is famously inclusive — you can be “out and proud” in any way you want, and they accept you.
Believing in Jesus can be an identity that’s even stronger and more attractive than that. He demonstrated the most radical love and acceptance imaginable, because “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
It’s a message the world desperately needs: you are accepted, God loves you, and he wants you to be his child. If churches could truly live that out, we’d be the most fanatically accepting people on a planet hungry for belonging. We wouldn’t care if you have tattoos or ripped jeans or whatever is out of fashion in church these days; we’d be so loving to everyone who walked in that they would believe we care about them.
Prioritize direction, not position
Who is “more Christian”: a gay couple actively volunteering in ministry, or a straight couple who only show up on Sunday mornings? Trick question! We can’t know for sure!
Someone’s appearance or behavior don’t tell us whether they’re close with Jesus. The Bible says we’ll know Christians by their actions and that faith without works is dead, so of course we should exhort believers to live with integrity and love like Jesus. But all of us are sinners saved by grace.
Focus on being a “centered-set” church. That means a person’s posture toward Jesus is more important than their outward actions in determining who’s “in.” He didn’t require people he met to change their behavior before he loved them. Zacchaeus, the woman at the well, the woman caught in adultery — he accepted them first, and then said, “Go and sin no more.”
However, let’s remember that Jesus will never be confused about what’s sinful, but we can be. Becoming a centered-set church would mean you’ll draw people who talk, dress, and act differently from the would-be “in crowd” in a bounded-set church. At least some of those newcomers will probably make you uncomfortable. Can you rely on Jesus to help you love?
Does your church emphasize that our job is to love people as Jesus would love them? Are you prepared to teach with love — not with the expectation that others will change? Eventually, some newcomers who initially disagree about what is sinful might change their mind. But if not, can you accept that the Holy Spirit will convict them and stop trying to do it?
Matters of conscience
Is your church clear about how they handle matters of conscience? Preach about how churches should handle second-order disagreements. Openly acknowledge that Christians can disagree on the sinfulness (or not) of issues even as big as abortion and homosexuality and still be in fellowship and ministry together. Explain the difference between Christians who remain unrepentant — that is, who believe their behavior is sinful but continue in it — and those whose consciences do not condemn them.
With respect to issues of gender and sexuality, familiarize yourselves with the theological reasoning of both affirming and non-affirming churches. One theologically comprehensive book about affirming theology is Bible, Gender, Sexuality, by James V. Brownson. For a compassionate explanation of traditional teachings, I like the book Redeeming Sex by Debra Hirsch. Then emphasize the godly standards that apply regardless (such as faithfulness in marriage).
Disqualifying beliefs
When it comes to gay marriage, affirming churches aren’t arguing that it’s acceptable to sin, but rather that gay relationships aren’t sinful. Since we’re all sinners, you won’t find a pastor or volunteer who doesn’t sin. Where do you draw a line between freedom of conscience and beliefs that disqualify a person from leadership, and why? Does your congregation understand?
For example, the Biblical case against divorce (link is to a non-affirming site) is at least as strong as against gay marriage. What is your church’s policy? Do you allow people who’ve been divorced to remarry? Under what circumstances would you accept a divorced or remarried pastor?
What about people who fly into a rage, cause discord in the church, or foster rivalries? After all, those sins are listed as bad examples in the same passage as sexual immorality. Are you equally quick to call out those sins, to preach about them, to demand reconciliation?
Don’t over-emphasize marriage
Being single isn’t a curse, but the Church can make it feel like one. We should be long past the expectation that everyone should get married, because certainly not everyone will. But if your theology holds that some people can’t marry the people to whom they’re attracted, you should be doubly conscientious to lift up, love, and value single people.
Celebrate the role of unmarried people in your congregation and discuss what they need. If you hold to theology that says only heterosexual marriages are godly, then presumably you expect queer people to remain celibate along with unmarried straight people. Are you supporting the unmarried people who are already in your congregation?
God is all about found family. The Bible uses the language of “chosen people” to describe the Jews and “adoption” to describe God bringing non-Jews into his salvation. Whether your church is affirming or not, helping people build a closer-knit family can only help.
For example, my sister’s family became friends with a neighbor and unofficially adopted him as their kids’ “Funcle” (fun uncle). He is welcome in their home and has a stocking on their mantle at Christmas time. Even after her family moved out of state, they keep in touch and visit one another during the year. He’s family in the ways that matter.
Similarly, a friend told me about three of her single friends who became one another’s “backups.” For many married people, the first person we call is our spouse. These friends made themselves a group chat they can text when they need a ride, or someone to wait for a package, or something from the store. Emergency contact? Boom, these folks. Such groups need not be all single people, either. Families with one spouse on deployment, or elderly married folks who need help with some tasks, or new parents all need “backups.”
I think part of our difficulty is that our culture has vastly overemphasized the importance of romantic relationships, to the point that celibacy sounds like a punishment. But the Apostle Paul commends Christian singleness: “I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
Deep friendship
In John 15:13, Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” We have a hard time even comprehending what kind of deep friendship would lead us to die for a platonic friend.[4] It’s still there in our collective consciousness — our “ride or die” friends — but Christians have the divine power to truly live it out.
Does your church discuss what deep Christian friendship looks like? Since the church is the family of God, do you talk about how church members can meet one another’s needs like a family? How can you facilitate single and married people finding deep friendships within and across those categories? How can you help church members meet one another’s very practical needs?
For example, my current church has a Facebook group (yeah, we’re old) where people can ask for help and advice. Any group chat platform could work for that. You never know when someone in your church might have an unexpected skill or tool or craft supply that you need. Group chats also offer plenty of opportunity to practice patience, courtesy, extending benefit of the doubt, and taming the tongue.
Not everyone you meet in God’s family will be someone you want to adopt into yours (it’s the “can’t choose your family” part of church), but seeing how other people work together can demonstrate what’s possible. Meanwhile, the church should be your extended family when your closer family are unavailable or out of their depth.
Conclusion
We forget that it’s not unusual for Christian dogma to go against cultural norms. “Christendom” (societies that have either explicitly embraced Christianity or generally adhered to its tenets) didn’t come about until hundreds of years after Christians began to spread the Gospel. We shouldn’t be surprised when secular culture drifts away from God; it started out that way.
But God already gave us the remedy. Jesus told us our job was to tell people about him — not to shame or strong-arm them into believing it, and definitely not to proclaim ourselves better than others.
It comes down to this: Do you trust God to sort out sin? Do you believe that he knows best and will convict people of their sin in the order most beneficial to them and to the world?
Let’s celebrate the radical love of family and friends within the family of God. Let’s “major on the majors,” and be a place so full of love for one another that people want to be around us regardless of their or our theology. Let’s leave conscience and conviction to God and practice accepting people for where they’re heading, not where they’re coming from.
[1] “LGBTQ+” is a handy moniker, but not all identities raise the same theological questions. Sexual orientation may be more or less innate — depending on the study and the person — but sexual behavior in general is a choice for all humans.
Meanwhile, transgenderism deals with a person’s perception of who they are. Many people who suffer from gender dysphoria decide that changing their bodies to reflect their internal understanding of their gender is the best treatment, and they are transgender. Some people who identify as nonbinary (neither male nor female) consider themselves trans, while others don’t.
While “queer” is a useful umbrella term, it’s not a monolith. (Remember the headline about a swimmer who “came out as LGBTQ” and the gay commentator remarking, “Wow, that’s impressive. All five!”)
[2] Note that I am white, cis, and straight, so I’m only able to speak from observation. However, I hope I can raise these issues with a gentle tone that might not be possible or appropriate from people who’ve been hurt. Anything you can learn from me is a question you won’t have to ask the already wounded.
[3] The theology of complementarianism — a mouthful meaning they believe in different, divinely ordained roles for men and women in churches and marriage — does not, in fact, require patriarchy, but it often ends up that way.
[4] You’ll always find someone to ’ship fictional characters who are supposedly only friends. People can’t comprehend that Sam and Frodo wouldn’t be romantically involved. At the same time, queer relationships that were romantic have been suppressed or sanitized throughout history, so I suppose it’s only fair.
If you appreciated this article, consider reading the rest of my publication.
