If you can’t ask hard questions, nothing will ever change
The importance of facing reality
Here’s a fable I read — a parable, an anecdote.[1]
One night, a man woke up in his tent and wanted a snack. He lit a candle and walked over to his basket of apples. Now, living close to nature had some risks, so he checked the apple, and sure enough, it had worms. He set it aside and took the next apple out of the basket, but it, too, had worms. On it went through the entire basket until there was only one apple left. He blew out the candle and ate the last apple.
My takeaway from that story was how silly we look when we choose to ignore reality. A man who sees that his last apple is bad can go find another snack. Conversely, a man who inspects the apple and finds it good can eat it without worry.
Now obviously, analogies aren’t perfect. If the man were starving and had no other food, then eating the apple, even if it’s wormy, would be a reasonable choice. But for the sake of this article, let’s say he could get another snack if he wanted.
My next several posts will be about topics where I’ve had to really question my preconceptions. I’ve written before that we need to normalize changing our minds if new information renders old ways of thinking obsolete, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
As kids, everything was new. We asked questions all the time, because it was the only way to learn. As we grew up, however, new factors affected our curiosity: family, friends, religion, culture.
To both progressive and conservative readers: while you likely find different topics to be challenging, my challenge to you is the same. Will you read with an open mind and allow yourself to ask the questions, even if a possible answer is uncomfortable?
Following are some reasons why you might have avoided a topic or question. I hope that bringing these to light will help you recognize where it’s happening in your own life. Then, if you end up realizing you need to change, I hope you’ll take the next step toward your new direction.
We never thought to
Some questions simply never come up. You don’t necessarily think you know the answer, it’s just the water you’re swimming in—it never occurred to you to ask the question. If you ever catch yourself thinking, That’s just the way things are, chances are there’s a question you could investigate more deeply.
- You’ve probably heard “the greatest thing since sliced bread,” but did you know sliced bread wasn’t sold commercially until 1928? That means it’s younger than Dick van Dyke and Mel Brooks (who are both still alive as of this writing).
- We assume natural disasters are, well, natural, but did you know that the devastating floods in Houston were caused primarily by poor development practices? (The water came from the hurricane, but surrounding areas got as much or more rain and storm surge while sustaining far less damage.)
We think we know the answer
You also probably won’t investigate a question if you think you know the answer. Sometimes you think everyone already knows the answer.
For me, that question was “What political party aligns more with Christian values?” I grew up in a family and town in which the only answer I ever heard or saw was “Republican.” It was just assumed.
When I met a student at my college church who said she was a member of the Young Democrats, I literally had the thought, “Can you be a Christian and a Democrat??” (Katherine, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for doubting you.) While my transition from deep red to true blue has been long and gradual, it’s fun to remember that one moment can rock your world and prepare you for a totally unexpected journey.
We like the people who’ve told us the answer
I recently learned the term affective polarization. Daniel Stone explains, “If you dislike someone, you’re not going to admit they’re right, even if the evidence is really clear they’re right.” That’s similar to assuming we know the answer, but in this case you’ve heard of the other side.
For example, people in the US who self-identify as conservative or Republican are less likely to believe that climate change is a serious problem. However, the data suggest that people don’t drift right because of that belief, but rather, Republicans disagree because Democrats agree loudly. Democrats displayed similar tribalism in behavior change during the Covid-19 pandemic.[4]
To be clear, if you’ve investigated the other side of an issue and come to a different conclusion as someone, that’s not affective polarization, it’s just disagreement, and that’s fine.
But even on less charged questions, we’re conscious of how the people around us answer. We don’t want to look stupid in front of our friends, or cause angst in our family, or feel unrighteous in our religious group. We might fear losing a relationship—and we might not be wrong. The biggest questions are often tied to our identity, which causes cognitive dissonance when we think about changing our answer (“Who am I if I don’t believe this anymore?”).
In fact, this whole blog is part of my effort to work through that question for myself, with respect to remaining Christian while becoming politically progressive. Pastors I looked up to turned out not to be as admirable as I thought. I fervently agreed with some politicians, but now I can see the harm of their policies. It’s hard to disagree with friends and peers who didn’t move left with me; I remember agreeing with them, and I know their hearts, so it’s hard to have more differences than we used to.
So I truly do understand why it’s easier not to ask questions that rock your boat. But if you don’t, you might miss out on a way to improve your own life — or the world.
We assume we won’t like the answer
Probably the biggest reason we avoid asking a question is that we assume we won’t like one of the possible answers. When we fear that a possible answer will require us to change our minds or our behavior, we instinctively shy away from the question.
But the answers that require something from us tend to be life’s most important questions. They matter a lot — perhaps eternally.
- Is the Qur’an true? Is the Bible?
- Is a fetus a person?
- Is capitalism inherently harmful?
- Is climate change really that bad?
Usually, we worry one answer would require us to change, because we couldn’t in good conscience go back to our old way of doing things. Change is universally hard for people. Even if it’s for the better, that benefit doesn’t always go directly to the person changing.
For all the above reasons, it might feel easier to keep skating over a question and avoid the implications of answering it. But that’s how you end up eating wormy apples instead of finding a good snack.
Learning is good
Everything you now know, you previously had to learn. Take it from someone who’s raised two babies from birth, the only thing you knew when you were born was how to fill your diaper.
But that’s good news! It means you know how to learn and you’ve already done a lot of it. You’ve already changed a lot in your life.
Sometimes you’ll investigate a question and be satisfied by your position. Other times you might change your mind without needing to make huge changes to your life. Or you might realize that the world needs to change. All I’m asking of you is: Don’t be afraid of the questions.
If you like what you’ve read, consider reading more in my publication!
[1] If you recognize this story and can point me to the source, I will happily update!
[2] Trick question, since the answer has changed. On a typewriter, two spaces between sentences was the standard convention. But now we have variable-width fonts and kerning.
[3] Technically, no, because the things that are roasted to produce coffee and cocoa are the seeds of a fruit, not legumes like “true beans.” But then peanuts are legumes we call nuts, and tomatoes are botanically a fruit. 🤷🏻♀️ I’ll keep on calling them “beans.”
[4] “When it comes to behaviours, however, the only statistically significant marginal effect for partisan animus is among Democrats in counties with few cases — these individuals are engaging in preventative behaviours despite the low community spread of COVID-19.”
