Conversations With My Elderly Mom — Funny, Bittersweet, and Hurtful
Lessons in letting go of expectations and outcomes
My Mom is small and often quiet and unassuming; however, her sarcastic and witty sense of humor always gets a chuckle unless you're on the receiving end of one of her barbs.
When I visit with my soon-to-be 90-year-old Mom at the senior residence where she lives, I usually ask if anything interesting has gone on since I was last there. She can't always remember right away, but during our visits, there's often a gem that rises to the surface of her failing brain. These lighthearted, funny scenarios are always a time of bonding for us. She's usually chuckling before she finishes, and then we both howl with laughter. I cherish these lighthearted moments because our relationship has been far from easy.
Here are just a few of my favorites lately.
1.“I was walking the hallways (for exercise as is her daily custom, no cane or walker, she’ll have you know). Coming toward me (in his electric scooter) was Bill.” Bit of background: Bill has been going steady with Mary, who lives down the hall from him, on the 1st floor. An ambulance took Mary to the hospital, and Bill has been lonely since she’s been gone. “He stopped right in front of me, took my hand and told me he wanted to kiss me. I said, wait a minute while I bend over.”
2. While in the car on the way to the dentist, Mom blurted out, “I have no hair on my vagina!” We both burst out laughing. I had no comeback for that except “well, one less area to groom.”
3. One of her most often said and factual statements is, “If my whole body worked as well as my mouth, I’d be perfect.”
4. My husband Ken, drove Mom home after dinner. She said “I should’ve told you this before, but I really like you.” Note: We’ve been together 33 years.
Truth be told, Mom is having a real challenge with her brain forgetting places, things, people. She gets bored, anxious, and easily overwhelmed and would like her old life back, not that it was exciting, but it was HERS to do with as she pleased. Although there's weekly housecleaning of her suite, Mom still vacuums and dusts her place like she's done all her life. Some of the other residents think she's crazy, but she likes to be busy. She's a doer, with less and less to do.
Mom loves people. She loves interacting and kibbitzing. What she loves most of all is dispensing advice and feeling useful. She'll tell you you’re crazy if you don’t act on her advice. Notice I said advice, not a suggestion. When she is living true to her nature, she is caring and generous.
Dementia takes away much of the ease she experienced when I sold her home and brought her close to me in 2019. The independent/assisted living residence she lives in has excellent staff, tasty meals, and interaction with her peers, even if she doesn’t hear them well. The pandemic has stunted the lives of our elderly, who know what they're missing. There are staffing shortages as well because of the need to be fully vaccinated in the workplace. Existing staff are exhausted but seem to be coping well, at least where my Mom lives. The staff knows that this will be the last place they will ever live if the residents are lucky.
Sunsets are beautiful, but for seniors, this time can be scary — Nurture familiarity. Stay calm and carry on.
We're starting to experience a syndrome in Mom called sundowning. Like an alcoholic after a bender, she usually doesn't remember the part of herself that emerges to cut, hurt, and push away others. At times she does, but she's so scared and frustrated knowing she's losing control that she gets even angrier.
Seniors, T.V.’s, and remote controls — don’t mix.
Her T.V. died last week. We replaced it with one of ours. Mom is afraid to turn the T.V. on because the remote and T.V. un-synch at times when she turns it off. What’s an annoying inconvenience to most of us, is frustration and fear for Mom and many other geriatric seniors. They can't tolerate the unfamiliar. It is a lion's den of confusion, insults, and literal temper tantrums. It's not her, it's a trifecta of diminishing brain function, eyesight, and hearing.
I feel helpless, and it hurts. I rely on the tools in my 'healing toolbox' to help me if I need to be there when she's in this state. When everything is familiar and working well, life is good for Mom.
- Let go of expectations and outcomes.
- Boundaries are essential.
With not seeing or hearing well, Mom isolates herself from real connections. Jill, the activity director, has lots going on, but Mom doesn't want to embarrass anyone because she can’t hear them. Of course, hearing aids might correct this, but she won't consider them.
I don't know what the future holds. Conversations are restricted to top-level chit-chat, her brain can’t go any deeper. There’s lots of repeating due to lack of hearing, not understanding, and forgetting.
She can be very anxious and down when I first visit, but after talking and allowing her to talk out her frustrations, her mood can change to light and funny. She just wants to be heard and acknowledged. It’s a gift for both of us.
All I have control of is myself, how I respond and react.
I never know what will come out of Mom's mouth next, what juicy gossip she'll share with me. What I do know is that I'll continue to stay in the present and take one day at a time. I meet her and love her where she’s at now.
A BIG win:
I took her to renew her photo I.D. medical card today. Last night it was a no-go, she was not having it done — I left as she was hurling insults at me regarding the T.V. (again). She was furious when I said "I’ve fixed the T.V., you are safe, I am going now."
It's not easy to assert these boundaries but it is essential. I can't change Mom's circumstances, I can only ensure she's safe.
This morning she was waiting for me to pick her up. She'd curled her bangs to look nice for the photo. She was a joy at the licensing office. The staff couldn't believe she’s almost 90. She was sassy, sweet and we enjoyed the morning out. Truth be told, she needs I.D. with her Covid vaccine card when we occasionally take her out. I told her it was expiring. Little white lies.
An astonishing fact: This picture I.D. is her first. Somehow she's harangued election officials her entire life to allow her to vote.
Oh yeah, the T.V.
The cable company came with a new box, that locks and SYNCHS the remote and T.V. GREAT! Not so fast— Unfortunately, that cable remote is too confusing, so the easy/big button remote is again in use, still not guaranteed to stay synched. The new cable box has also changed the look on the T.V. screen and the unfamiliar is again causing anxiety. DAMN! Fingers crossed, the unfamiliar becomes familiar.
Dementia is much more than just memory loss. Mom has always lived with high anxiety, so much of her current behavior is normal for her, just exacerbated. I don't know if it will progress or change her, it could worsen or she could die before that happens. All I know is I have to put my oxygen mask on before I help anyone else. Mom's lessons are not my lessons. I need to be there enough to be her advocate and support. I’ve worked hard to learn, grow and heal my life. I won't allow myself to leak my healthy boundaries.
I wonder what life will be like for me, my husband, and so many of us aging baby boomers. There but for the grace of God go I. Now, back to my brain teasers.
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