The “Big Thing” in Your Relationships
A few days ago, a friend was sharing his work when he mentioned how smart one of his coworkers was. (This is coming from a bio-scientist PhD friend.)
He continues, “he’s not just brilliant at his job, but he seems to always know the right thing to do or say — if the team needs exhortation, or someone needs to be pulled aside and coached, or a colleague needs to be publicly affirmed — whatever it is, he just knows it, and does it.”
Then he asks me why I’m grinning.
“He sees the system,” I reply.
His eyebrow arches.
I continue, “Every single relationship between two or more people (or entities) has a powerful and unique dynamic. You have a son and you have a daughter; both unique individuals. But when they are together, there is something else that appears — a sort of “third entity” that has its own way of breathing, thinking, and behaving. And at times, that small system of “children” produces a special kind of chaos that neither of them would choose to (or could) produce on their own.”
“Indeed!” he bellows.
“Your colleague,” I asserted, “observes your team like this. It’s a relationship system. He sees himself as part of it, and sees it as part of himself. Because of that larger “third entity” orientation, he is more keenly aware of what the relationship system needs at any given moment — and he responds naturally.”
In a recent post, I argued that we are all better when we lead from our hearts, not our minds. A few folks asked me to explain HOW, exactly, to do that.
Below, I share my short-cut, but it was only somewhat recently that I realized the conceptual link to systems thinking. That contextual backdrop helps, immensely.
Peter Senge is a senior lecturer at MIT’s Sloan School and an internationally acclaimed systems scientist. While much of his work promotes organizational health, he explores the deeper dynamics of human interdependence that arise in all of our relationship systems — even our relationship with nature.
Presence: Human Purpose and the Field of the Future, is a simultaneously esoteric and practical book by Senge and three other renowned, pioneering thinkers. They contend that better interpersonal, organizational, and global health are more accessible when we stop breaking wholes into parts, believing they’re more easily dealt with.
Instead, by cultivating a more holistic intelligence of our interdependent webs, it’s easier for us to identify what those relationships need — and then respond to those needs.
When we slow down and observe any relationship that we are part of — whether romantic, family, social, or organizational — we can begin to sense what is happening in that relationship and what wants to happen. And what may be getting in the way. The hack is recognizing we are part of that system and seeing ourselves through that lens, not the other way around. We become instantly less critical and more aware of what the system needs — from us.
Sounds like my friend’s colleague, doesn’t it?
Before I had studied much about relationship systems thinking / coaching, I had codified a personal question set that helped me tap into this orientation — whether I am among strangers, those most dear to me or colleagues, I try to remember to ask:
“what can I do, what can I say, who can I be — that can bring out the best of what is happening — and with whom it is happening — in this very moment?”
As soon as those thoughts start to flow, I can sense myself passing the baton from my mind to my heart. And, no joke, I can actually feel a powerful shift take place within me. I’m instantly calm, confident, waaay more graceful, and hyper-aware of what’s happening at the moment. I am trying to see the system; the Bigger Thing. I’m trying to tap my best self.
And I can almost hear an audible voice speaking to my heart: “Here…you lead.”
