Will My Daughter Endure Abuse?
Is this history in the remaking or a cycle broken?
(Obligatory cos all parents just have to): I have a young bubbly beautiful daughter who is just the best.
1 in 3 women have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered “domestic violence.” Also, 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner. Source.
Again, According to a 2020 study, about 44% of African women experience gender-based violence. Source.
My grandmothers on both my maternal and paternal sides of the family either did not experience abuse at the hands of the gramps or because of the times, they never discussed it. My mother though- whew. She ate that shit. I saw her abused and she saw me abused.
Abuse? My mother and I understand it fundamentally.
Actually, for a while, I was partially estranged from my mother because I had shut her out at a critical time- during my years of enduring abuse. When she was with me and saw firsthand what I had kept hidden for years, I had no option but to open up to her. In that way, the experience of abuse helped heal my estrangement from my mother.
As I said- I have a daughter. I am afraid. Will abuse get my daughter?
My mother was abused. I was. Will the cycle continue? Will it be broken? Who goes into a relationship hoping to be abused? I knew my abuser so well. I can say now, I became co-dependent. How do you snap out quickly from an abuser’s grip and run?
Will abuse get my daughter?
READ: I love you Or I am in charge of you?
I remember during years of abuse thinking- why can’t anyone see me? I know now that my shame made me culpable for covering up the abuse I was experiencing. How could anyone…how could my mother see me?
I went through many years of school- abuse was never taught. Abuse was something people laughed at. Abuse was something people and families covered up. As an African, I have heard and seen all kinds of abuse from incest to rape to grievous bodily harms covered up by families… it is just ‘easier and less shameful’ because our culture and environment are misogynistic and rarely sides with women- except she is influential.
Will abuse get my daughter? Will this cycle remain unbroken? Will I see my daughter if abuse gets her? Will she come to me?
I still cannot believe the depths and degradation of what I went through- have you ever found yourself on the floor- on your knees, crying…begging to be loved? Begging that they see you? Promising to be ‘good’ anyway and how they want? And all the while, they are screaming “idiot!” “Useless” “Get out! Get out!” at you? Have you ever picked up yourself and tried to leave abuse under threats and intimidation and no support?
Will abuse get my daughter?
READ: 8 Small Steps To Giant Positivity.
Many parents say they cannot wait for their kids to grow up. I can. Already I teach her about parts of her body and consent and stranger danger. Soon, I will begin to teach her different forms of abuse. I will teach her the nuances and subtilities of abuse. I desperately hope my efforts will be enough.
I hope to raise a mentally strong, financially independent woman who is educated and who knows asking for help is a sign of strength- not weakness. What I can do today is continue to teach her and also continue to respect her no’s if it can be helped.
I hope my daughter breaks the cycle of abuse. I hope my daughter never knows abuse.
It is this mother’s sincere wish that her daughter is not abused.
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