The Five Grammatical Symbols That Can Defeat Son Goku

The Bloggers’ Association for Repeatable Formats has informed me that I, a blogger, have been negligent in my duties.

Specifically, I have failed to compile a list of characters that can defeat Son Goku in a fight.

Fig. 1: OVER 9000 (CANONICAL DEFEATS)!

Though it pains me, I must take a break from generating quality content such as Five Signs That You’ve Been Kicked in the Balls and FandomWire Exclusive: Emma Watson Doesn’t Have Balls and give BARF the respect it deserves.

As such, I present to my readers the five grammatical symbols that can defeat Son Goku.

Fig. 2: Six Points. All Danger.

1. The Asterisk

In writing, an asterisk’s purposes are to either indicate a footnote or to censor offensive words such as f***, c***, and p********************************************. In anime, an asterisk’s purpose is to shove its six feet up Son Goku’s karate keister and censor him when he gets angry about dying for the 317th time.

Fig. 3: Rainbow Dash’s Lesser-Known Ancestor.

2. The En-Dash

In grammar, the en-dash has two functions. Its first function is to express ranges (i.e., “The first fight between Son Goku and Vegeta is covered in episodes 21–3,420.”). Its second purpose is to string together complex compound words (i.e., “Senzu-bean-snarfing Son Goku”).

So how can an en dash defeat Son Goku?

Great question!

Moving on…

Fig. 4: This Is the Part of the Blog Post Where the Enemies Have Detected Solid Snake.

3. The Exclamation Point

The exclamation point is placed at the end of exclamations.

Don’t ask where the rectum point goes.

Exclamation points can defeat Son Goku with a simple Zerg Rush. One aspect of the Dragon Ball franchise is that characters tend to yell, shout, and exclaim just about everything that they say (“His power level is OVER 9000!”, “KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN; THIS IS A LIBRARY!!!” “I WANT TO MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO YOU, CHI-CHI, BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP OUR VOICES DOWN SO OUR SON GOHAN DOESN’T HEAR US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”). If all of the exclamation points in the Dragon Ball series got physical bodies, they could band together and conquer every anime that has ever existed.

Fig. 5: It Looks Better When Bugs Bunny Chews on It.

4. The Caret

The caret is often used in proofreading, which is why most writers on the internet don’t know what it is. The caret can also be used to denote an exponent (i.e., “2 ^ 3” is the same as “2 cubed” and/or “2 times 2 times 2”), which is why most high schoolers don’t know what it is.

The caret can defeat Son Goku by simple deception. The Senzu Bean is a powerful curative item in the Dragon Ball series, so replacing a caret with a Senzu Bean means that Son Goku will eat crow instead of a nourishing, healing item after his 9,001st canonical defeat.

Fig. 6: This Is a Legitimate Punctuation Symbol. I’m Not Hoarse-ing Around.

5. The Lozenge

Unlike the previous four symbols, I have to bend the rules of the Dragon Ball franchise to explain this.

In addition to referring to a diamond shape, a lozenge also refers to a type of medicine used to treat sore throats. And since almost everyone in the Dragon Ball series shouts excessively, just about everyone in the Dragon Ball series is bound to have a sore throat.

So they who control the lozenges control the world… and Son Goku as well.

And there you have it. I have provided a list of five characters that can defeat Son Goku and, in so doing, have helped to maintain the presence of BARF on the internet.

With that out of the way, I can now focus on more important pursuits like-

…please bear with me. I just got another email from…

CURSE YOU, BARF! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WRITE AN ARTICLE SPECULATING ABOUT THE PLOT OF “THE ELDER SCROLLS 17?” DON’T MAKE ME BREAK OUT THE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!