My Biggest Life Lesson
My Secret Formula For Happiness
Sobriety Cannot Be Boring Or Glum If Meant To Last
I first started to stop drinking in 2009. Today, I have three years and nine months since my last drink. Thanks to the fact that my cravings for alcohol and hard drugs have gone away, I have been able to focus on what makes me happy. In the process, I have discovered my secret formula for happiness. I have been influenced by Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and consider myself near the state of “self-actualization” at this phase of my life. However, as is the case with everyone, I have drifted down the pyramid at many points in my life.
While I have never been homeless, there were times I was behind on rent and out of money before my next payday. Interestingly, this was not while I was actively using, but after 2009. There were many times during active addiction when I placed my security in danger. So my security needs were not met. As far as the need for love, I thank God that I had motherly love until recently. That unconditional love kept me hanging on. I am even more grateful that I married just the right woman for me nearly two years ago before my Mom (z”l) passed.
Love is the first element of my formula for happiness. First, I had to learn to love myself. In 2009, I felt unloveable. I surround myself with people I love and who love me unconditionally and have people I care for and care for me. In my life, while my wife is in the first place, I am blessed as well to have a few close friends. I am sure this all sounds well and good, but the work to get there caused a lot of pain. The process of “cutting out” of my life that you will also see is a common theme in the formula.
I had to get rid of all the toxic people in my life. The late-stage alcoholic I could not stand watching him commit suicide slowly is blocked. I unfriended on Facebook, many people who have long since stopped liking my posts, let alone communicate with me. I realized I kept “status friends” because of how I imagined they made me look. I “discovered” these people really do not give a shit about me, and I am better off without them. I cut off toxic distant relatives. Cut, cut, cut…defriend, defriend, defriend… block, block, block. I cut my friends list from over 500 to about 200 a little while ago.
I not only had to cut people but negative influences in general. I used to watch the news a lot. I stopped watching the news because it would only get me upset and anxious. I used to watch crime dramas. All the killing and violence started to wear on my psyche, and I realized these shows were not helpful to me. So, I switched to watching comedies and other light movies, animation, rock concerts, and sporting events for my entertainment preferences. I am much happier now that I quit all of these things.
The next element from my secret formula for happiness is doing what you love. I had grown to hate being a lawyer and the stress that came with it. Worse, I had to wear a false disguise and be inauthentic to survive and thrive during my legal career. I had to learn that this, too, was unhealthy for me. So, in January, I resigned from the California Bar, which is another story in itself. I am no longer a lawyer. While I have some regrets about how my legal career ended, I am not really responsible for my mental illnesses. I am on balance enjoying not being a lawyer.
I founded a nonprofit, #BipolarLivesMatter. I am channeling my trauma at being beaten by police while I was manic and making something positive out of it. I am now an author (publishing on Medium and writing a book). I found that while I could not write after working as a lawyer, since I stopped and took a break, I have found my muse, and my desire to write is on fire at the moment. I am also a guitar player, and I also sit around a lot, playing on my computer, smoking pot, and watching TV. My wife and I joke that we are “sen-agers:” senior teenagers, also known as teenagers with money. I have daily meetups with friends who also smoke weed to help them stay sober or off hard drugs. I help people. I am now delighted to do what I am doing. Sure, I make less money than I used to, but as long as my basic needs are met, money is not a big issue.
To summarize, my formula for happiness is to have your basic needs met. To do what you love, surrounded by people who love you unconditionally and who you love back. Oh, and cut out all the shitty stuff. I hope you find your formula for happiness, stay away from your poison, stop killing yourself, and love yourself instead. Please share your recipe for joy in the comments.
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