My Brain Don’t Work So Good No More
Coping with Brain Injury
I wrote an article some time ago about a mishap I had in December 2013 that resulted in my brain injury. The doctors call it, “Post Concussion Syndrome.” Excuse me, but I call it a “pain in the ass!” Here is a link to that article, https://medium.com/can-i-just-get-my-damn-story-read/dear-brain-f37190a860f3.
Recently I found myself with slurred speech and symptoms mimicking a stroke. I ended up in the hospital for three days with lots of poking by doctors, nurses, and therapists. At first, the doctors thought that I might be having a stroke. But after a MRI, blood tests, pokes and probes what they came up with was zip, zilch, nothing. Next came the theory of a psychiatric disorder called Conversion Disorder. Conversion disorder is also called functional neurological symptom disorder and it is a condition in which you show psychological stress in physical ways. The condition was so named to describe a health problem that starts as a mental or emotional crisis — a scary or stressful incident of some kind — and converts to a physical problem. This would make sense since I am so stressed from the injury and life that it may be converting to physical symptoms. I had a great talk with the hospital psychiatrist, we hit it off. I am not sure she thought that I had a psychiatric problem though. She did not refer me for further treatment and we ended up talking about our dogs. Dammit, I really liked her.
Well, this whole thing has been my nightmare. In fact the past eight months have been damn hard to put it lightly. I mean one day I was treading lightly on the ice and the next minute I wound up on my ass with my head bouncing like a basketball in the NBA playoffs.
After many tests and doctor visits, I began attending cognitive therapy twice weekly where I felt like I did work that most ten year old kids would conquer without blinking an eye. I would sit there and tear up as I realized that I wasn’t able to follow the simple alphabet and number sequences. I would be challenged to figure out if the coffee shop or shoe store were closer to the parking garage. Meanwhile, my damaged brain would be wondering off to Malawi Pea berry brew and shoe sales for heaven sake. Of course, I eventually would gain more victories than losses and walk away feeling like maybe I was getting a part of myself back.
I would like to say that I feel like the same competent, self-assured woman that I was before the accident. But I would be lying. Now I stutter around for words when talking to people because the words that once came so easy to me are just not there anymore.
Currently, I write a blog, run a small handmade jewelry business and mostly hide in my house. Most days I feel okay behind my computer where I can spend an entire day looking up the words that I can’t remember how to spell because no one is breathing down my neck or looking at me expectantly. Really I spend most of my time listening to my music making and creating jewelry or reading when not locked in a dark room fighting off the painful headaches that plague me daily.
There is no easy way to sum up this moment in my life because it is not over. I still feel injured but I know one thing about myself. I am a hell of a fighter. I wallow sometimes that is true, but then I get up and move on, even if my brain don’t work so good anymore.
I hope that by writing this article, if you know someone that has suffered from a brain injury whether it is mild, moderate or major please show them patience and kindness. It is a hard road back and they will stumble over their words and thoughts and you will feel your patience grow thin. My family has been tested these past months, it has been hard for my children and husband. Kindness matters. I also have had to remember that they have had their lives changed by my accident.
Update: October 2017
I am almost to the four year mark from that day. It has been a journey marked by many good days, but some very hard days. I am under the care of wonderful neurologists. But this journey has been my own. Every step back I have owned, and every step forward you bet I have cheered. I even have a full time job. One where I am productive and happy.
Everyone’s story is their own, make sure to be patient with yourself. Listen to those around you. Stop and just breath. And never give up!
Cherie
