How I Managed to not Leave a Mess
A “Write or Die” response to Episode 50 by Matt Querzoli
Trigger warning: Suicide, cannibalism
When my doctor told me that I had an inoperable tumour in my spinal cord, I decided that the last thing I would do is ensure that every last thing about me was neatly disposed off. Having no family and few friends, disposing of the flat and all my belongings was as simple as writing a will leaving everything to my local environment focused NGO and naming a lawyer as executor. All that remained was my body.
I’ve always abhorred waste and there’s nothing as bad as wasting food, especially meat. Do you know how much energy and resources are needed to create one kilogram of meat? 16 kg of greenhouse gases for each kg of beef. And humans, of course, we rate so much higher, what with cows not using electricity or cars or any of the quintillion devices we seem to need for our modern lives. That is why I hate the thought of being buried or cremated — all that human meat wasted, especially when we’re spending so much to create more meat.
I researched many ways to get the maximum possible benefit out of my increasingly useless body. But the web had few avenues; so I plunged into the depths and depravities of the dark web. And there, I found my answer — the snuff/cannibalism community. I was elated. This had to be it.
I trawled the dark web, trying to find the most conscientious of purveyors. Many were controlled by the mafia and they tended to throw away the meat they didn’t actually eat on camera. What I needed was a small family business, who knew the value of every gram of product. Finally, after seven months of effort, I found The Wild Boar. They even had a video showing how they stored the leftover bits of the carcasses in large freezers, not to mention all the recipes. I specially liked their Arm Ragu recipe, with fingernails chopped finely for extra crunch. These people weren’t wasting anything — I was so impressed!
I contacted them a few weeks ago. At first, they were suspicious and wouldn’t even return my calls. I persevered and finally, they agreed to my plan. Everything was ready and I could finally rest in peace.
Today is my last day on earth. I wrote a note to my lawyer informing her that I was planning to jump into the sea during high tide, so my body would never be recovered. I sent the note by post, so that she would receive it long after I was dead. Within days, ideally, she should have disposed of my belongings.
Then, I met one of the men from The Wild Boar in the coffee shop next to my house. He drove me to this large farmhouse where the rest of his team waited. Everyone was friendly and matter-of-fact. They showed me their freezers and their kitchens; they explained exactly what they were going to do. So professional.
Relieved at having taken care of everything, I walked into their filming studio, ready to be the main character in Episode 50.
This work is part of the Write or Die collaboration 2019. For more stories in this series, see the Write or Die Homepage —
© Indira Reddy 2019
