Change Your Mind for a Better Life
Monitoring your thoughts and re-wiring harmful patterns of thought might be one of the most powerful techniques to become a better human.
Every one of us has somewhere, and be it hidden in a dark corner of ourselves, the desire to improve and to realize the best version of ourselves. We make plans, resolutions, identify weaknesses, and dream of who we could be. Only, we often lack the mental tools to get where we want and it can be a daunting task to make progress on the path that leads to a better self. In this article, I want to share one such tool that has served me exceptionally well.
“We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.” Santosh Kalwar
There is a multitude of self-help resources available, many of them focusing on time-management or productivity (SMART goals, Pomodoro technique, to-do lists, …), often ignoring the mental realm, in particular the crucial problem of harmful patterns of thought.
Everyone develops patterns of thinking over the course of life, based on upbringing, environment, interactions, observed interactions, and much more.
These patterns help us to automatically react to situations, without spending mental resources contemplating what to do or how to feel. In many cases, they make our life easier. But if we have learned unhelpful patterns, they keep us from being productive, happy, and from being the best version of ourselves.
Noticing my own unhelpful patterns, and reacting to them in a way that corrects my response to the situation at hand is perhaps the most powerful technique for positive change I have discovered thus far.
The crucial skill here is to monitor your own thoughts. This can be difficult because you have to become aware of what you are currently thinking or feeling, and at the same time be able to distance yourself from these thoughts and feelings in order for you to change them. Let me convince you that it is worth the effort.
Examples from my experience
When I was younger, sometimes a memory of an embarrassing experience would come to mind, and I would automatically react with the thought “I hate myself.” This would happen within a fraction of a second.
At least once I learned about positive self-talk, I realized that this definitely was a bad thing to do. So I came up with a simple reaction: If this negative thought occurs, I would just think to myself, “Noo, I love myself. I’m such a sweet cupcake.” Not only would this leave me with a better feeling about myself once this situation arises, but the ridiculousness of calling myself a sweet cupcake would take the edge off my thoughts. It took some time to train myself to automatically react in this way, but it made me feel better and I believe it helped to reduce such intrusive thoughts.
A quite different, but immensely valuable, application of self-monitoring of thoughts is in situations when I would normally get angry or annoyed at someone.
Once I realize that I am in this state of mind, I apply one of my oldest tricks: rather than blaming the other person for whatever has happened, I ask myself “What could I have done to prevent this?”. As I have a much harder time being angry at myself, thinking about this question seriously, usually quickly dissipates my anger. Here, again, monitoring my thoughts and changing my reaction made me much happier with how I handle the situation and I believe that it made me much more pleasant company.
“Things will always go wrong, but it’s important to focus on how to respond.”
Matt West
3-step procedure
If you are in a situation where you experience an undesirable pattern of thought, I would suggest to:
- Become aware of it. It takes some time to get this right, and you have to be intentional about it. If you already know what situations you want to change response to, make it your mission to notice when they occur. After some time, it will become second nature to you — as if tiny alarm bells were ringing in your head every time you get into your bad pattern. In my experience, once you got better at becoming aware of your thoughts in one type of situation, it will be easier in other types of situations as well.
- Zoom out. If you are aware that something is going wrong, congratulations! That was already the hardest part. Now you need to detach yourself from the negative thoughts by recognizing that your thoughts are not you. You might feel angry now but you are not angry and you have the power to influence how you feel.
- Respond. Now is the time to deploy your new response pattern. How exactly you want to react is something you should think about beforehand. Examples from before are: a short positive assertion, or diverting blame from others and reflecting on your own responsibility.
The most difficult part is to stay vigilant and to observe yourself trying not to get consumed by your feelings.
If you have trouble detaching from your feelings, I would recommend mindfulness meditation practice. This is a splendid way to train your ability to separate your self from your present thoughts and feelings.
I also find it helpful to later reflect on the situation and your unhelpful response — in all likelihood you will find it in some way inadequate or even embarrassing once your mind has calmed down. Try to remember this post-hoc judgment when you next encounter the unhelpful pattern of thought. It can provide you with an anchor to how your calm mind sees the world.
Monitoring your thoughts for harmful patterns of thought and preparing improved reactions is perhaps the most useful self-improvement skill I have developed. Its incredible versatility makes it applicable to almost everyone and I would encourage you to be vigilant about your own thoughts and try to replace the patterns that harm rather than help.
Remember that your thoughts and feelings are not you, and you have the power to change them!