On imposter, the elephant in the room
and some other things…
For the longest time, I have been wanting to write about Imposter Syndrome. In fact, I had most of what I wanted to say written for approximately a year now. The reason why I took so long to publish this was because I was having doubts about the path I have chosen. No pun intended, but I was indeed having doubts about my own self-doubt.
See, I have had three jobs in Web Development and even though I had interesting experiences at all of them, they did, however, make me question my choices.
The thing is that all this time I had been questioning my skills and abilities, not knowing that this was the famous Imposter Syndrome everyone seemed to have been talking about. At the time I did not give it too much attention, because I grew up feeling out of place. I grew up with mental illness and talking down on myself on a daily basis had become normality.
But then I wasn’t dealing with just adversities, but also being told that I was basically worthless by my fellow colleagues and people higher in the work hierarchy. So I was doubting whether I was indeed being an imposter or if I was thinking that I was.
Regardless, this whole time has been eye-opening for me and it made me see things for what they actually are and question things deeper.
Programming seems interesting…
With constant advancements taking place in the tech world nowadays, the industry has become significantly more popular for those seeking a challenging and rewarding profession. Being a part of several coding communities, I went to a lot of either Meetups, workshops or hackathons and I often found myself networking with others. I am probably a magnet, but most of the time I end up talking to people that find the field more interesting than their current field. I sympathise with their excitement and they start talking about their background. Depending on the level they are at, they either start talking about research they have already done or that they have started on their own following a couple of tutorials online. Despite levels though, they most of the time have misconceptions — heck, as I’m writing this, I still do — and that’s when I start talking about my experiences so far as a beginner myself.
I don’t need to tell you, we have all seen them, the overwhelming amount of “instructors” out there claiming that they know the best way for you to become a well-rounded developer within X amount of time. Naturally, at this stage we are gullible, prone to believe anything from “professionals”. This single misconception is enough to give people false hope and as a result, when they finish that course and they have difficulties remembering things, they get frustrated and their spark of interest fades away.
Golden tip for life, never believe anyone who claims that they can teach you something within a specific amount of time. How you spend your time is your responsibility, therefore it is in your control, not theirs.
Am I a “real” developer?…
Am I or am I not a real developer?
Am I intelligent enough to code?
Am I actually cut out for this?
Am I too old to start coding?
I don’t feel like I belong, I don’t feel like I fit in and that I’m on par with my peers, or will ever be, am I a fraud? (Find out if you’re a real developer by taking a quiz made by Eli Fitch here.)
These were questions that resonated through my head on a daily basis. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. It almost felt like I was about to get caught for keeping this big secret from everyone (while not having any). Time was passing by, I did a lot of courses and a bootcamp. If you look at my LinkedIn, I have a few certificates displayed. None of them mattered, I felt like I had plateaued.
My friend, welcome to the world of Imposter Syndrome; something most of us feel, especially in the tech industry.
There are a bunch of articles out there talking about it, and they all use different terms that are essentially the same thing. Impostor/Fraud Syndrome, Imposter Phenomenon or Imposter Experience are a few of the most common terms out there — my problem with these terms is that they make you feel like you have something much worse, and that alone, is enough to make it some sort of taboo. How I define it is simply put, self-doubt, and that, in my opinion, automatically sounds more relatable and human.
From junior to senior devs and programmers, we all felt it at some point in time. It’s not something that entirely goes away, you just deal with it better every time the more you practise. For women and those who get in the industry the non-traditional way, Imposter Syndrome can be the turning point.
The tech industry in comparison to other industries can be overwhelming due to the large amounts of possibilities; different directions we can take, different languages and different frameworks and other technologies we can learn AND on top of that it’s very fast-paced, with changes taking place constantly.
For beginners, it can be daunting and tough to process all that’s going on. Using myself as an example; I was learning for years, I felt like I knew the ins and outs of something only to later figure out that knowing didn’t necessarily mean understanding. I struggled a lot learning, grasping and retaining that information — in a nutshell, I was stuck in Tutorial Purgatory. Yep, that’s actually a thing and in case you were wondering, I own over 500 courses on Udemy alone and more than 90% are related to coding in some way or form.
We’re designed in a way to care about what other people think of us. We all have it, some more than others, in different scenarios than others, but the main point is we have all been at different points in life where we weren’t sure about ourselves and needed someone to reassure us that we’re still doing something that’s “okay” or “acceptable” by society’s standards. The sense of not being the outcast, of belonging to something, of following — all of that is human nature. Usually, when we doubt ourselves and our abilities, it’s because we compare ourselves to other people. It’s not something we’d think about or do if we were alone, all by ourselves.
You have read this far probably because you doubt yourself to a certain extent. The bad news is that I don’t believe there’s a way to completely get rid of self-doubt, however, I am a firm believer that with enough practice you just learn how to deal with it better over time. Getting to the point, here are a couple of tips to help you deal with Imposter Syndrome as a “n00b” in the tech industry.
Given by what I mentioned earlier, my history with mental illness and the fact that I am still struggling through life should be clear enough for you to understand that I’m by no means an expert.
It should also be self-explanatory that the tips that you are about to read are not to be followed blindly because we’re all different people and what sometimes might’ve worked for me might not work for you at all.
1. Recognise and acknowledge that you have Imposter Syndrome.
If the questions at the beginning of this section seemed familiar to you, it’s likely that you have or had some fear and doubt in yourself.
People usually leave their best advice for last, but perhaps my most useful piece of advice is this;
The first thing worth doing if you want to improve in anything is acknowledging your flaws.
Be real with yourself and see things for what they truly are. Notice that despite accomplishments, you can only look at the negative things. Notice how you feel when according to you, you’re not making progress and how that leads to even more fear, anxiety and failure. This approach, if ignored, can lead your coding career to come to a screeching halt. But if you spend more time trying to notice patterns in your behaviour, you can also even predict when you feel this and what the cause of it might be.
If you’re employed somewhere, talk to your colleagues about it — chances are they can give you some tips on how they overcame it.
2. Face that fear.
This might be a bit harder done than said, but here’s the thing; you need to know that it’s impossible to know everything. No matter your level, there is always, always, ALWAYS, something new to learn in this field. Unlike other fields where over time you stop learning new things on a frequent basis, programming and coding are different. You need to eventually be okay with your performance and accept that at that specific time, that that’s the best possible you can do.
After some time I can say that I deal with this better now, but occasionally there are still times where I struggle and this gets very tedious. But if you are honest with others and talk about it, the easier it’ll become. Also, keep in mind that you’ll learn more as you progress. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll be retaining all of the information, it means that you have grasped it well enough that when you need it, you know specifically what to search for.
3. Step back sometimes and look at what you’ve accomplished so far.
We’re usually so busy trying to keep up with things and others around us, which to say the least, is distracting. We don’t focus on ourselves, neither do we welcome the opportunity to step back and pat ourselves on the back for what we have accomplished. I know that it’s hard seeing things from that perspective — otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading an article on Imposter Syndrome — however changing your mindset, reflecting, cutting yourself some slack and giving yourself some credit wouldn’t hurt (not to be confused with being a dick with a large ego).
4. Don’t worry too much about failure.
Failing has thought me so much; in fact, in this article, I wrote about failing and what it taught me.
Society usually overclouds our own needs. Not because it seems like you “failed” means that you really did. Not because failing made you feel “useless”, means that you actually are. I see failure as success in disguise. You made a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. In the future, you’ll use that wisdom to take yourself one step (or more) towards what you want to accomplish. And in case you were wondering, yes, it will get easier; for example, once you understand the core concepts of one programming language, learning another one will be much easier.
And as a wise man once told me, “the point is to Fail Forward”.
5. Consider changing your approach.
Most people at first struggle to find structure and balance combining their working/learning routine with their existing lifestyle. We’re all so used to the mentality that in order to accomplish something, we have to work, work and work some more. And just like this approach, there are a bunch more that don’t work. And really, there isn’t such a thing as a one size fits all approach either. Again as mentioned earlier, something might work great for me, but that doesn’t mean that it’ll work for you. Regardless of what might or might not work, I have noticed a simple factor that makes people accomplish things in general;
“It’s passion.”
Of course, it’s not just passion, but if you combine it with discipline, patience, curiosity and last but not least, the will to invest both your energy and time, you’re pretty much unstoppable.
6. Avoid getting burnt at all costs.
In case it’s unclear, with burnt, I mean burn-out. Imposter Syndrome can take the “fun” out of programming really quick. I have been in this burnt state for over a few years now — I even wrote about it here.
Because Imposter Syndrome makes you feel even worse and takes a lot of time to go away, it would be ideal to address your self-doubt and deal with it at an earlier stage to avoid it reaching this point altogether. As mentioned earlier, there are occasions where your ability to see and acknowledge your progress is lacking and you feel like you’ve been learning a bunch of things, but can’t put them into practice. This is indeed a point of no return for a lot of people. I’m not an expert and I have yet to overcome my symptoms, however, something I have started doing differently is just listening to my body instead. It might not seem like much, but focussing on having a relationship with yourself, can actually do wonders.
Be nice to yourself, reward yourself for all that you have been doing and accomplishing — in doing so, you effectively avoid getting burnt. And by not getting burnt you can get a lot more done.
A lot of people, when they hear “reward yourself”, they immediately think big, expensive things. But it can be something as small as breaking your current routine and coming back to it. Routines are great to have and they give us a sense of comfortable stability, but once we get too used to them it can become very dull (believe it or not, coding can become tedious). So take breaks often, use a Pomodoro timer if you can’t step away by yourself, meditate (using this, this or this), do something you like and come back to the code. You will notice that not only has the world not ended because you left the code, but it even looks clearer now.
And then you might just step away…
And sometimes you just give in to what your brain is telling you — or so it seems. I have been adamant about finding that specific thing that you’re willing to struggle for and work as hard as possible to make it happen. After all this time, I believe that I have, but after having three different “not-so-okay” jobs and getting sick on top of everything, I have determined that that was it. I went to another bootcamp to determine whether I had lost my interest completely or if it was because of my experience so far, and I was able to make a decision. Or better said, fate has made the decision I was afraid to make myself.
In the end, I stepped away. Apart from doubting myself, and my shitty experiences, I had other reasons to drop being a developer as well. Developing felt at some point, like I was contributing to something completely against my own principles. And as a person, that above all, values honesty, I felt like I was a hypocrite lying to society about things that they have yet to understand…
This does not mean that I am completely stepping away from this field, it just means that I have figured out that my career does not include being a programmer or developer. I will still occasionally follow a course or two — out of the 500+ I have on Udemy alone — and maybe make something for myself. But at the moment I have different priorities. If at the end of your journey you find yourself at a similar spot, I want you to keep in mind that this is just a minor setback. It might not be today or tomorrow, but one of these days you will be able to look back and reminisce on the interesting time you had as a developer or programmer.
Things will be fine as long as you keep your head up and keep fighting. And if you ever find yourself thinking what to do with all the experiences you have gathered over time, here’s an idea, give back to the community. Do it with pride, because it means that you are making progress and coming closer to reaching who you unconsciously want to be.
Thanks for reading, have a nice day! 🖖
