Leaving other people’s eyes for my own view
Startup Cycling: 40/120
What if I was more afraid of me than of anything else?
I believe that I am here today. I needed 27 years to identify the place of my ego* (*the consciousness which I have of myself).
“Have ego” is an expression which evokes most of the time a judgment with negative connotation. I think that it’s the reason why I never worried about it. According to me, to have an ego was the illustration of selfishness, final point. I sometimes acted selfishly, with no consciousness of the notion of ego, with the intuition that I made a decision which was the good one. It’s not true, I simply made the decision which I wanted. The ego doesn’t give the proper advice because it’s not my inner self.
My ego is the reflection of thoughts which dictate me what I have to make to be aligned with the idea that I have of myself.
Since childhood, my ego is comforted. I grew up loved and well surrounded. I haven’t missed anything. I aspired to everything.
2 years ago, my ego took a blow. I didn’t see it coming, nor I didn’t understand it, because I didn’t know what meant the ego.
We all have an ego.
Ego isn’t the unique companion of people who act according to it. It’s the epicenter of the people who aren’t even aware of having one.
For 2 years, I write online and I experiment. I lived different experiences. According to periods and moods, I tell everything or I remain silent about the essential. I tell stories to myself that I tell you. These stories are my life, but they aren’t me. However I don’t lie, or I should say my ego doesn’t lie to you.
These last two years, I lived experiments which allowed me to discover the person that I am, or the person I was without being aware of it.
I am a woman with ego.
Ego isn’t a strength.
For me, ego is either a sensibility that I manage to turn into creativity or a sudden sadness difficult to calm down.
Meeting Thomas and the experiment to travel by bicycle from New York to Toronto led me to self-awareness, far from ego.
I learn to observe my ego in daily situations, from the most insignificant to the most significant: check the number of online like, feel judged on an opinion, hear me say I am well when I am not to avoid being judge or say that I am not when I am to get some attention.
I am a woman with paradoxes which I so badly understood that I judged them. I can be adorable or detestable, I can transcend myself of authenticity or be so manipulative that I even lie to myself, I can be amazingly positive and confident or feel destructive uncertainties. These paradoxes are the illustration of the daily fight between who I really am and who my ego let me think I am.
Today, I decide that I won’t fight anymore. No matter the fights I lost yesterday and those which will appear tomorrow. I won’t leave space for fights.
I thought of creating and building the person who I am, but meanwhile, my ego worked to rebuild itself. I won’t fight against its recovery but from today, I am going to watch at it doing instead of letting it do. My ego isn’t going to give me any more direction in life, it will follow mine.
When my ego lead the way, I look for recognition and I bet onthe future. It takes me away from love, peace and it prevents me from living in the now.
I have made remarkable things ** (** which draws the attention), I met extraordinary people *** (beyond the ordinary) and I spent a lot of time to live this past. But that’s what it is: passed.
Today, when I go away from my ego, I go away from you.
I realize that I was afraid of nothing but myself.
I wanted to tell you that certain days are difficult for everybody, because everybody has an ego. It happens to all of us to be irritated, frustrated, sad, tired or annoyed. It happens to all of us to have the feeling to not being enough or to be at the wrong place. But when it happens, remember ourselves that nobody cares and that the way we feel isn’t who we truly are.
We can’t see clearly when we don’t look at the right place. Don’t look where the others look and don’t pay attention to the look carried by our negative thoughts.
We may observe ourselves and leave other people’s eyes for our own inner view.
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I share one article a day within the publication True Calling.
