Learning How to Love — An Intro to the 5 Love Languages
The Five Love Languages is one of my absolute favourite models when it comes to understanding people. In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog in the first place was so that I could write about it. So, here we are.
When I first read Dr. Gary Chapman’s books on the five love language, I could not stop thinking about them. It was actually very difficult for me to get through the books — not because they were boring, but because every paragraph would lead me down a four-hour long mental rabbit hole.
Apart from being insightful and useful, the Five Love Languages is also one of the most accessible models to learn and apply.
You have probably already heard about it — or seen it being used out of context — because it has become quite popular in recent years. But it has so much more to offer than initially meets the eye, which is why I am so excited to finally explore it on here with you.
What Exactly is a Love Language?
Love languages are the various ways in which people give and receive love.
Dr. Chapman posits that love looks different to everyone. Just like we use different languages and alphabets to communicate the same ideas, we use different behaviours to communicate the same feelings of love.
Of course, there are infinite specific ways to express love, but they can be condensed into five broad categories:
- Words of Affirmation
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
Although the love languages are most commonly spoken about in the context of romantic relationships, they manifest just as often in our relationships with our families, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
I will expand on each love language in future articles because there is a lot to cover. But today I want to talk about why this concept is important. Why do we need to know how we define love and how our definition may differ from someone else’s?
Doesn’t It Kill the Magic?
This question always makes me smile because I totally get it.
Perhaps the most important thing about this theory is that it implies that love is not just a beautiful, universal feeling, but an action that can be quantified and measured. And for all my poetic-romantics out there, that is a repulsive idea.
Now, love being as much about what we do as how we feel may be obvious to some of you, but for those of us who prefer to live in our heads and satisfy ourselves with the idea of things instead of their reality, it is anything but obvious.
And on top of that, many of us believe that how we feel about things in our inner world should be enough because we feel it so strongly. We get kind of offended that you don’t just trust that we love you when it is so obvious to us.
This kind of passion, imagination and introspection can be a very valuable gift in the right context. But when we don’t realize that our chests are not transparent and the intensity of feeling for the people we love doesn’t always come across through our actions, we keep running into problems.
That is where the love languages can come in handy. They allow us to see exactly how our inner world of love compares to other people’s. They allow us to expand our perspective and make room for other kinds of love as well.
But then again, for the exceptionally passionate, even the thought of classifying something as abstract and ineffable as love into categories and summing it up in a neat little model is exceptionally offensive. Because it completely takes the magic — and dare I say, sexy suffering—out of it.
I mean, how cold, right? How clinical. How sterile.
I humbly disagree.
Understanding the full scope of love on an intellectual level does not detract from its physical, emotional and spiritual components. It adds to them. To me, it makes love more magical.
Yeah. Magic. Great. But what’s the POINT?
Apart from enriching our concept of love, the Five Love Languages gives us direct access to the things we actually want out of our interpersonal relationships — connection, affection, intimacy, belonging, to feel seen, heard, valued and understood. And, you know, to actually feel loved and to feel like our love is being received.
It also clears up a lot of miscommunication. Being able to put your needs and experiences into words and seeing that people resonate with them is incredibly liberating. And being able to refer to an external resource and say, “See, this is a human thing!” is the cherry on top.
And finally, so many of us feel like we are in one-sided relationships where we feel like we are constantly giving and receiving nothing in return. Or where we feel like our efforts are unappreciated. Or where we feel like our feelings are not being validated. Or where we feel like we can never get it right.
The sad reality is that our interactions are often fuelled not by love but by pain, frustration and resentment.
And resentment is one of the ugliest spaces to inhabit in any relationship because it slowly transforms you into one of the worst versions of yourself.
How does this apply to the love languages?
Although the idea itself is kind of cute, mismatched love languages can wreak a lot of havoc on our relationships.
Think about it. Let’s say Love=X to you and Love=Y to your partner/mother/ son/best friend. You constantly X when they are expecting Y. They don’t appreciate X because they don’t perceive X as love. So, they keep rejecting it.
On their part, they keep giving you Y, but you don’t understand what to do with it because Y has no love-value for you. So,you dismiss it and unintentionally make them feel rejected in return. And so on.
When this is the case, there is going to be a lot of “You don’t love me. You don’t care about me. You don’t appreciate me. You never do anything for me” and also “What the fuck are you talking about?! How can you say that?!” “What do you want from me?!” going on in your relationship.
And that, my friend, is not where you want to be with the people you love. The worst part is that most of us are so used to this mode of being that we think it’s normal. That this is how it’s supposed to be.
It’s not.
Of course, this dynamic is most visible in marriages and romantic relationships. But none of our relationships are exempt from it. Learning each other’s love languages can smooth out a lot of bumps in the road.
I saw a post on Instagram the other day that said, “I hope you find someone who speaks your love language so that you don’t have to spend an eternity translating your soul.”
That is a lovely sentiment, and I sincerely hope it works out for you. Having people in your life who speak your love languages and derive the same degree of satisfaction from them is a beautiful feeling. It also equals less work.
But speaking different love languages does not have to be a problem. Not knowing that you speak different love languages and not being willing to learn is the problem. Once you discover yours, you won’t have to “spend an eternity translating your soul.” You’ll just have to communicate it a couple of times. Maybe write it down if the people you love are forgetful. Make a list. Help them out.
But we hate to communicate our needs to people, don’t we? We want them to just know. We want them to figure it out without guidance or die trying.
Look, some people can do that. They are naturally more observant, empathic and attuned to the needs of other people. Others are more emotionally intelligent. Others are hyper-vigilant around people as a trauma response. Others, still, have higher interpersonal intelligence. Their minds have an easier time processing and classifying data that relates to other people. They naturally derive a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from it.
If this is you, you too have a very valuable gift that a lot of people don’t have. So, you expecting them to just know the way you just know is your version of getting mad at the fish for not being able to climb a tree.
Is It Worth It?
Yes.
Learning your own and your loved ones’ love languages and actively trying to speak them is one of the best things you can do for your relationships with them.
It is my unwavering belief that most people want their loved ones to feel loved by them and they are willing to learn how. AS LONG AS they also feel loved in return. Because no one can run on empty.
Love is fuel. And allowing someone to feel loved by you in a way that rings true for them is the most beautiful gift you can give.
So, to rephrase the anonymous Instagram quote, “I hope you find someone who will speak your love language because they love you. And I hope you will do the same for them.”
Not as catchy. But infinitely more valuable.
So, I am going to dedicate the upcoming series of articles to the Five Love Languages.
We are going to deep-dive into each of them, look at their different dialects, learn how to discover our own and those of others, how to apply them to our interpersonal relationships, how to use them for self-love, what to do when our loved ones don’t speak our love languages and more! So, if that sounds like something that might be interesting to you, I hope you will spend some quality time here with me. ;)
You can also follow along and engage with me on my Instagram.
This is a topic I care about deeply and I hope you will find it valuable.
Take care, guys.
If you want to learn more about the theory itself, I highly recommend reading Gary Chapman’s books, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts and The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition.
You can find them on his website along with a whole bunch of other resources.
Hi, I’m Noemi, a certified relationship coach. I help you understand your patterns and cultivate self-love, confidence, and compassion to create the deep, fulfilling conscious relationships your heart desires.
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