MENTAL HEALTH
The Psychology of People-Pleasing
Understand where it stems from and how to break free from it.
“We’ve become conditioned to compromise and shrink ourselves in order to be liked. The problem is, when you work so hard to get everyone to like you, you very often end up not liking yourself so much.”
― Reshma Saujani
Not long ago, I desperately wanted people to like me. To approve of me and my opinions. I thought that my chameleonic ability to blend in with different groups of people was a good quality to have. Little did I know this ‘ability’ came at a cost. The cost of not being my true authentic self. The cost of repressing my uniqueness.
Honestly, there was this woman I had to give thanks for making me realize I was a people pleaser. It happened a few years ago, just when I was starting my journey of becoming a psychotherapist. I could feel from our first session that she wanted to be in control and dominate the conversation. As the sessions progressed, she started getting more and more demanding. No matter how much I tried and did my best, there was always something more or better I could’ve done, according to her.
And then it dawned on me. During one of our supervised sessions, I realized I was projecting onto her my mother’s figure. The compulsive need I have had since childhood to please my mother and gain her love and approval my whole life was now projected onto that woman. That is because she had certain characteristics that subconsciously reminded me of my mother.
Having this insight was a game-changer for me. It made me rethink my relationship patterns and realize how unhappy I had been all those years for putting so much unnecessary pressure on myself to be liked by others. To always meet their needs halfway. It was extremely draining.
Slowly but surely I started working through these patterns and people-pleasing habits until I managed to break free from them.
What is a people pleaser?
According to Marriam- Webster dictionary, a people pleaser is a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
A people pleaser will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time and emotional or even financial resources away from them.
A people pleaser can be a perfectionist, usually spending a long time rehearsing what they have to say or taking several hours meticulously that others would not invest that much time in preparing a project.
The constant pleasing of others can become an addictive behavior that makes them feel needed and useful, and thus their only way of achieving validation. The Big 5 Personality Quiz reveals that people-pleasers tend to score higher on agreeableness. You can take this quiz here.
So the first step is becoming aware that you are a people pleaser. The mere fact that you are reading this article is proof you have become aware of your people-pleasing habit.
You are not alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. This is something you can constantly work on that can be improved!
Being a caring person who values social connections and enjoys making others happy is a wonderful thing but not at the expense of your happiness and peace of mind.
Where does people-pleasing stem from?
People-pleasing is rooted in childhood. Perhaps you had parents or caregivers who offered you, conditional love. And by that, I mean that they were either unavailable emotionally or were inconsistent with their way of showing love and affection towards you.
Parents who believed in tough love and would only show love and acceptance when you met their unrealistic expectations. Or parents who made you feel unsafe and unprotected and who might have also struggled with addictions.
“Because children take everything personally, they believe that if they are being mistreated, it’s because they haven’t been “good enough.” Being good as an adult makes them believe, incorrectly, that they have some control in life. They think that they will be rewarded for their goodness and that it will protect them from harm.”
― Marcia Sirota
People-pleasing is a coping mechanism learned in childhood. It’s understandable. But what you have to realize is that it is just that: a mechanism.
Being nice because you think people might harm you otherwise it’s a false belief you developed through the years because you thought it might keep you safe.
Also, another risk is to enter abusive and toxic relationships with narcissists and covert manipulators who will take advantage of your niceness. The more you will walk on eggshells around them, the more they will sense your need for love and approval and exploit that to their own benefit.
By taking an honest look at your relationship patterns, whether romantic or platonic, you’ll be able to tell if this has been the case for you.
“People pleasing pleases everyone but the pleaser.”
― Sanjo Jendayi
Hallmarks of people-pleasers
If you are a people pleaser then you most likely:
- mainly seek acceptance and validation from outside
- avoid conflicts and arguments
- dim yourself so you can fit in
- hold yourself in low regard and tend to put others on a pedestal
- overexert yourself to fulfill everyone else’s needs but yours
- feel like others take advantage of you
- often say sorry for small things
- feel responsible for others’ emotions
- constantly feel like having to walk on eggshells around others
- thinking you must have done something wrong or you are not good enough if others don’t like you
- you disregard your core values to fulfill other’s needs
Are women more likely to be people-pleasers?
Unfortunately, yes. That’s because of the societal ingrained gender role women had to conform to for the longest time. Women are taught to be the caregivers, less assertive or aggressive.
How to know when your people-pleasing mechanism is kicking in:
- You feel the urge to say no when you just said yes.
- You feel out of alignment with the decision you just made.
- You feel like your self-esteem just took a hit.
If you become aware of these signs, you have made tremendous progress. That’s because you are not on auto-pilot anymore. You are starting to take back your power. And that is amazing!
Yes, it might be baffling for people at first to see you take a stand for yourself. Some will criticize you, or call you mean or selfish. But that’s because they cannot take advantage of you anymore. It will take time for them to adjust to the new you. Some will even leave.
But trust me, the right people will stay in your life and respect you for it.
Here’s a 7 step guide to break free from people-pleasing habit:
1. Take some time to think
“In fact, to take time to think is to gain time to live.”
― Nancy Kline
50 to 100 milliseconds.
This small amount of time is all you need, according to a 2014 Columbia University study, to make better decisions.
The study, titled “Humans optimize decision-making by delaying decision onset,” showed that the human brain needs just 50 to 100 milliseconds to focus its attention on relevant information and block out all distractions.
This is especially true for people-pleasers since it can be an automatic reaction to just say yes to all requests asked of them.
What to do
This means taking a slightly longer pause before you give an answer. And if someone pressures you into saying yes, then simply add a:
‘I’m busy now, but let me get back to you on that.’
2. Say ‘I don’t’ instead of ‘I can’t’
“Self care is giving the world the best of you, not the rest of you.”
— Katie Reed
A 2012 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” allowed participants to gracefully exit unwanted commitments.
What to do
Whenever you feel pressured to do something, if you start with ‘I can’t’, people who don’t know boundaries will keep on pressuring you into doing things.
If you say ‘I don’t want to because…’ that will establish clear boundaries and appear more confident.
3. Don’t make assumptions
“Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.”
— Don Miguel Ruiz
Sometimes you tend to replay scenarios in your head as to how exactly the conversation went. If the person’s attitude was slightly different towards you that day, that doesn’t mean there was something wrong with you. Perhaps they simply had a bad day.
What to do
Make a habit out of not making assumptions. Whenever you catch yourself thinking it’s your fault, stop that train of thought. Do a bit of an investigation. Ask that person what is wrong, if possible. More often than ever you will find out that they had a bad day. Or that something has happened in their life that has nothing to do with you.
Keep in mind: you are not responsible for anyone’s emotions. And you cannot make someone feel good at all times if they don’t want to.
If indeed, your behavior wronged them, by communicating, it can be easily fixed. But as a people pleaser, be aware of being guilt-tripped. And by that I mean, make sure the other person isn’t making you feel guilty for something that wasn’t actually your fault so they can get something from you.
4. Know what your core values are
“Don’t be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.”
— Unknown
If you don’t know what your values are, it's very easy to get swayed by other people. It’s easier to say no when you know what you believe in and what things you are more aligned with. When you define your values, you discover what’s truly important to you.
What to do
Sit down with yourself and write down your top 5 values in life. For instance, if one of your values is a healthy lifestyle but one of your friends keeps on pushing for you to go out and eat junk food or drink a lot, having that value penned down makes it easier for you to say no.
If you feel out of alignment when tending to soeoenes’ request, it’s a sign your people-pleasing behavior is kicking in. And you need to ask yourself: am I betraying my values by doing this?
5. Prioritize the things important to you
“Don’t be a people pleaser, be a self pleaser, it’s not ego. It’s called self-respect.”
— Preeta Gupta
Not knowing what things matter to you can easily put you at a disadvantage because you won’t know what to prioritize. It’s easy for people to push you to give in to their requests if you don’t even know what matters for you and what doesn’t.
What to do
Sit down every week and pen down your short-term goals. Also, write down your long-term goals once a month. For example, if you want to partake in a course that will improve your skills, you know that’s a long-term goal that you need to prioritize. And thus, focusing on your studies should come top of your list.
When other people will call you to interrupt during a class to ask for small favors, you’ll know what to do.
6. Work on building up your internal validation
“It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine.”
— Byron Katie
People-pleasing goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. Whenever you rely on outer validation, you are at the mercy of other people’s perceptions of you. You are giving all your power away. I wrote a full article on how to drop your need for outer validation here.
What to do
Work on raising your self-esteem. Do activities that are more in alignment with your soul and don’t put other people on a pedestal. Yes, looking up to someone is great and inspiring, but constantly feeling inferior to others is not going to benefit you in any way.
Yes, we are social creates and it is inevitable to seek outer validation at times, but don’t let that be your only and main source of confidence.
7. You can’t please everyone and that’s OK.
“No matter how hard you try, you can never please everyone. Follow your heart, make the most of every day, and be proud of who you are.”
— John Cena
No matter what you do or how hard you try, you cannot please everyone. There is always going to be that person who finds some fault with you or your behavior. Or who projects their insecurities onto you because subconsciously you remind them of someone who hurt them in the past.
What to do
Be your unique self and put your happiness first. The more you shine from within, the more that will be reflected on the outside as well.
You will find the right people who will resonate with you and be on the same wavelength as you are.
Takeaways
- A people pleaser will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time and emotional or even financial resources away from them.
- People-pleasing is rooted in childhood, mainly if you had parents or caregivers who offered conditional love and didn’t provide a safe and secure environment for the child.
- The main thing is becoming aware of your people-pleasing behavior. Pinpoint when it starts kicking in and what or who triggers it.
- The 7 step guide to breaking free from people-pleasing habits:
➊ Take some time to think
➋ Say ‘I don’t’ instead of ‘I can’t’
➌ Don’t make assumptions
➍ Know your core values
➎ Prioritize the things important to you
➏ Work on building up your internal validation
➐ Make peace with the fact that can’t please everyone and that’s OK.
5. Because people-pleasing is an unconscious behavior that you most likely adopted in childhood, rewiring your neuronal pathways to stop this behavior is doable but is going to require some time and inner work.
It is beautiful to be a giving, caring person, but it is also important to honor and tend to your own needs first by setting healthy boundaries and focusing on self-love.
It doesn’t make you selfish, it only makes you realize your own worth.
And after realizing your own worth, you are not going to be willing to make as many compromises and betray yourself and what you actually stand for.
I hope this article has shed some light on the psychological aspects of people-pleasing behavior. I would love to know about your journey in regards to setting healthy boundaries and breaking away from this behavior.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate you!
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