I give up. Why I’m not trying to work with Cole Valley anymore.

3 months of efforts to communicate with Cole Valley administration and nothing to show for it

Cole Valley Speaks began unexpectedly with an enormous response to a blog post.

Then there was a Facebook support group, then a website, then public interviews, a joint statement, and documentary filming. What began as an “awareness effort” quickly shifted to a “collaboration effort” to make Cole Valley Christian School a safer and healthier learning environment for all students.

We’ve been trying to meet, talk, and work together from almost the very beginning.

And, not once, has Cole Valley shown any interest in working with us, let alone meeting and listening to what we have to say. This has been frustrating, disappointing, and ultimately demoralizing to the hundreds of Cole Valley Speaks members and sympathizers that hoped our message would be addressed by the school with open hearts and minds.

After three months of good faith attempts to collaborate with the school, I am officially giving up.

As far as I can tell, they don’t care about the people of the Cole Valley Speaks movement (many of which have suffered at the school), and they would rather ignore us in an attempt to save face than have a conversation about the wellbeing of past, current, and future students in their school.

So that no one can question whether we “really tried” to talk to them, I’ve listed all of our major efforts below.

We tried something new virtually every week for three months, and nothing worked. When it became clear they were grasping for any and every excuse not to meet with us, I realized it was time to give up.

Our remaining options are exposure and awareness.

As collaboration no longer appears to be possible, our strategy must shift towards greater exposure and awareness. As we’re figuring out our next steps, please don’t hesitate to share your ideas to info@colevalleyspeaks.com.

Attempts at communication

• Shortly after the blog post, the high school principal texted me some kind words. Within a week, she stopped responding to any of my messages. (2/14)
• As things escalated, we asked for a meeting with the school to talk about ways to work together. (2/22)
• I asked the high school vice principal to help connect the dots in planning a meeting. After consulting many inside and outside the school, he said no one would meet with us besides him and the previous superintendent, both of which had very close relationships with me in high school. (3/1)
• Cole Valley Speaks publishes the joint statement to Cole Valley, articulating the problems, themes, and possible solutions we see and inviting a collaborative effort to improve the school. (3/12)
• Mark and I met with the vice principal and previous superintendent for dinner. We reconnected, had a great conversation, and everyone left feeling encouraged and optimistic about collaboration opportunities. (3/14)
• I asked the vice principal again if we could schedule a meeting with the school. The response was “They are not ready to meet at this time and are asking that I take a step back in further communication while we process it.” I was left with no communication channels with the school. (3/20)
• A Cole Valley Speaks organizer with a father on the school board asks for him to intercede for us and facilitate a meeting. (3/20)
• After weeks of waiting for the school board to meet and deliberate, we’re told they have decided that Justin Jordan, the school superintendent, should talk to us. The organizer with the father on the board is given Justin’s phone number. (4/10)
• Justin and the organizer text for weeks trying to organize a meeting. Justin says he won’t meet with more than 3 people (we had 8 organizers then), and he absolutely wouldn’t meet with Mark or I. When the organizer proposed specifics for a next step, communication stalled. (4/27)
• At our meet-and-greet potluck, all organizers express frustration and disappointed in the school’s lack of interest in meeting with Cole Valley Speaks. The group explained they were about ready to give up trying. (4/28)
• A Cole Valley Speaks member connects me with his dad, a pastor at Cole Community Church. I met with him at his office, and we had a great conversation about the need to bring the parties together for dialogue. He said he’d talk to Justin. (4/29)
• A few Cole Valley Speaks members stand outside Cole Valley on the morning of the National Day of Prayer to symbolize our interest in talking. (5/2)
• The Cole Community pastor and I meet again. He suggests that Justin and I meet 1-on-1 as a trust building step. I agree. (5/6)
• Cole Valley Speaks is invited back by students to discuss our points of view at lunch. We do that, and have great conversations with dozens of students. (5/7)
• Apparently in response to pressure from parents, Justin emails all the school families, acknowledging us for the first time. He mischaracterized us and dismissed us as unimportant. (5/8)
• Avoiding communication with Cole Valley Speaks organizers, Justin meets with the son of the Cole Community Church pastor. Justin is urged to talk to the Cole Valley Speaks organizers. (5/10)
• The son of the pastor recaps the meeting for the Cole Valley Speaks organizers. With his review and support, I send the below email to Justin requesting a meeting as an opportunity to build trust and take a step towards a larger dialogue. No response. (5/13)
• I meet with the pastor again (3rd meeting about a meeting), and he tells me that Justin and the board took my email as a bad sign and have retrenched. The pastor seems despondent and says he can just try asking Justin again. Realizing that this seems to be going nowhere, I said I needed a commitment to talk in the next three days, or I would be officially giving up on collaboration. (5/28)
• The deadline passes and the pastor says he’s heard nothing from Justin. (5/31)

My email to Justin on 5/13

Can we chat directly? Some thoughts on motives, the documentary, and trust.

Hi Justin,

There have been lots of people interceding for us over the last few months ([name redacted], [name redacted], [name redacted], [name redacted], etc.), but after hearing reports, I feel that it’d be helpful for you and I to connect directly. If we can find our common ground and have a civil discussion, I think things will fall into place much more easily between our groups.

It seems like there are two big things for you and I to discuss: motives and the documentary. I won’t do either of these topics justice in an email, but I’ll share some thoughts briefly.

When I wrote my blog post, I had no idea anything bigger than a few follow-up conversations would occur. The outpouring of stories and emotion was completely unexpected, and it didn’t take long for my goals to shift from getting these views off my chest to needing to be a part of solutions.

We’ve identified a lot of tragic stories. They appear to be a constant (still happening), and because we care, we want to help make them less likely going forward. Our group of 153 students, parents, and past staff has a lot of life experience and perspective now to offer helpful suggestions. We want a seat at the table to represent these stories and help make Cole Valley a better school for all kids.

The documentary is showing what’s happening. No matter the outcome of these talks, the story of Cole Valley Speaks is remarkable and relevant to Christian education throughout our country and beyond. It’s targeted at a bigger picture vision of contributing to national conversations about religion, trauma, and healthy environments. The goal isn’t to hurt Cole Valley. We’re eager to be able to document some collaboration successes in this film.

The biggest theme of reports I’ve heard is that there needs to be more trust. Trust that words won’t be twisted, taken out of context, and used to polarize the other side and shut off discussion. I couldn’t agree more. That’s why I’m so focused on transparency. When there are actual source materials, people can always see what someone actually said, if they care to. To me, that’s far better than everyone having their own versions of events that they propagate.

I’d like an opportunity to build trust with you. I think a meeting between the two of us would help a lot. And including [name redacted] could be a great addition. To me, there’s only upside to talking, and we don’t need to record initial conversations in any way. Though I feel Cole Valley Speaks will be unsuccessful if we don’t eventually have a roundtable discussion of all leadership, initial steps can be smaller. The point is that this builds to an exchange of ideas that doesn’t mandate who can talk and who can’t. This feels artificial, unrepresentative, and unnecessary to me.

Think we can connect soon? My phone number is [redacted].

Cam

Other organizers’ takes:

Katherine Beck

“I am deeply saddened by Cole Valley’s apathy and lack of response to its former students, parents, and staff. Their hypocritical attitudes continue to be seen in the outright ignorance of our efforts to work with, and collaborate with Cole Valley. I am no longer affiliated with any church, and I do not continue to share in the beliefs of the church, however I do believe in treating all persons fairly and justly. This is why my continued support of the Cole Valley Speaks movement will not waver. My concern is for the mental and physical safety of all students, parents, and staff; past or current. It is my sincere hope that the leaders of Cole will open their hearts to working with us in the future.”

Heidi Ware Carlisle

“As the eternal optimist of our group, I have to start by saying that although I’m discouraged about how things have gone so far, I will always maintain hope that we can make a difference. I want to hold on to any shred of hope that we will get to collaborate with Cole Valley to make it better. But here is why I’m discouraged, and heartbroken.

I am a Christian. I believe Christians are called to bring the goodness of God’s kingdom to earth (love, peace, forgiveness, and justice for the oppressed). I always believed that Cole Valley Christians thought the same. That they had compassion, cared about “the least of these” and cared about treating people fairly and supporting those who are hurting. When I read the stories in the support group I was heartbroken and felt a strong pull of compassion for those who were hurt. As we compiled the Joint Statement, I was full of Hope. I really believed that my fellow Christians would read the stories shared there, and leap into action.

I myself was a part of hurting others. My actions and inaction in situations inadvertently hurt others. When I learned this, I wanted to make it right and was hopeful others would too! But the reactions I heard to the joint statement from Cole Valley Christians included: “well, that didn’t happen to me”, “that assault was ten years ago, can’t they get over it?” “Heidi I’m glad you still call yourself a Christian, but what you’re doing with Cole Valley speaks isn’t Christian-like, it’s against God” “Suicides happen I public schools too. That’s the way the world is, and there’s nothing we can do to change it” “ you are bullying or betraying the school” “she wrote that she was assaulted but I heard she wanted it” “I heard that you wrote a Joint Statement but I’m too busy to read it. And I think you should stop complaining”

From many I heard “Heidi I watched your YouTube interview with Cameron and we are so proud of you for doing it and speaking up” when I provided a middle ground view. But the second I started speaking for those who were hurt much more than I was I was told “ you’re going about this the wrong way” “why can’t you take this up in private?” “it’s really disappointing that you are aligning yourself with this group” “YouTube and Facebook is not the place for you to do this”

I listened to the support group stories with an open heart, I saw many instances where I treated people poorly or I allowed others to treat them poorly. I view this as a good thing that I can acknowledge this, and try to make things better. It saddens me that the response from within the school is to ignore, minimize, deny, and misrepresent the hurt that victims have experienced. And yet I’m not surprised. I was raised in this bubble. I was taught to defend all “attacks” against my group. I was taught to plug my ears and ignore people on the “outside” who disagreed. I was taught to learn everything about my “enemy” from those in the same bubble as me … rather than actually talking to others. I remember being just like them. But, I also remember that my bubble was popped. I got out. I viewed the bubble from the outside in. I changed and grew. I allowed God to break my heart for the people and causes that break God’s. I took action.

And that’s why I still have hope. I didn’t change my mind because someone made me. It happened over time. I really believe that God changed my heart. And it was a process. I was them, and I changed, so I know they can too. I hope that as Cole Valley Speaks continues our work to help those who are hurt and prevent future hurt, we can slowly help change the hearts of others. I pray for more compassion, more justice, more truth, and more love as we all work together from here on out. We can bring about positive change without them, but I pray that someday, somehow, Cole Valley will join us in our efforts.”

Apollo Annisen

“I gave Cole Valley some credit, initially. I can see it from their side. Over a decade has passed since many of the incidents we’ve heard about occurred, and most of the staff from my time there have since moved on. I understand the argument of, “things have changed.” (Even if they had, the abuses still need to be addressed.) But more and more I’ve heard from students who graduated this year (2019) or last, who say there are still glaring problems. I understand being met with some opposition, too: If I was part of an organization, and suddenly accusations about its past were brought to light, I’d be defensive. I understand that many of our personal opinions are in direct opposition to the opinions of Cole Valley. Moreover, I understand the hesitancy of a religious organization to take suggestions from a partially non-religious group. Cole Valley has some good reasons to not want to meet with us, but they are not sufficient to excuse this goose-stepping behavior.

I entered into the CVS leadership truly believing it would only be a matter of weeks before I was in a room with faculty, discussing potential solutions. I quickly found my place as an advocate for the queer members of Cole Valley Speaks, and sunk my teeth into dealing with the homophobic abuses still rampant at the school. I spent at least 30 hours getting stories from individuals and scrambling to develop a workable solution to protect Cole Valley’s LGBT youth before our first meeting. There won’t be a meeting. They’re not going to look at it. They won’t even give me a chance to discuss it. I feel naive for believing I could make a difference. I feel like a fool for even trying.

We wanted to collaborate, but every single thing we tried either set us back or kept us in limbo. We reached out to individual staff, and they either refused to take a side or claim there is nothing they can do. We reach out to administrators and are told to wait, that we are being too aggressive, that we aren’t doing it the right way. Every move we make, no matter how careful, has been skewed as an attack. We spend hours discussing how to not come off as aggressive or accusatory, and we are invariably told we are making Cole Valley too uncomfortable to come to the table and work on the problems. Make no mistake, these continued excuses are bullshit. We are dismissed, ignored, and demonized, not because of what we are doing, but because Cole Valley wants to save face.

This is the motus opprandi of tribalism. This is the MO of abuse. These are the methods of a cult. If Cole Valley truly cared about its students, they wouldn’t be treating their former students this way.”

Tara McClees

“I feel disappointed and hurt, to say the least, by this unwillingness to even have a conversation. Cole Valley’s refusal to engage with us tells me that they do not care about the students, past or present. Real hurt and trauma happened to the children in their care, but the administration is more concerned with protecting their image. I know negative feedback is painful, but if Cole Valley truly cares, they will find a way past their fears and listen.”

Source: Giphy