I Never Knew Rage Like This
How tiny things can tip anger over the edge.
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Most people would say I’m a calm person — I’m logical and in control even under pressure. Sure, I can get passionate about things, but I’m more likely to burst into laughter in the middle of an argument than to start shouting.
I’ve proved to myself that I can be calm in stressful situations.
An advertising pitch done in the small hours of the morning at the end of an 18-hour day? That’s cool. I can do that.
A loved-one unconscious on the floor? I’ll just pop them in the recovery position until the paramedics arrive.
A poo explosion soundtracked by two screaming babies? Hand me the wipes and step aside.
In my 20s I put ‘works well under pressure’ on my resume and talked about it in interviews. “I’m a natural problem-solver” I’d say (like everything could be solved if only you thought about it creatively enough). I saw myself as this unflappable stalwart. Someone who could give out sage advice in the midst of a crisis. Cool-headed. Reliable.
And then somewhere, somehow, something changed.
When my twins were born, I had 4 of the risk factors for depression: I was a first-time parent, two kids under 2, a recent death of a loved one, and financial stress. The first year of raising twins broke me (more on that here), and I was still trying to pick up the pieces when COVID hit and we went into the longest pandemic-induced lockdown of any city.
I’d walked into a stress firestorm.
Without thinking, I just kept pushing and pushing to try and make things better. My life could be as good as I make it, right? I’m a problem-solver — I’ll just solve the problems! I’ve since discovered the term ‘overfunctioning’ which describes me a little too well. So when I was unhappy with things in my life, I set about trying to fix them, obviously.
I find messy, cluttered spaces very annoying, so I clean them up. I like to eat food that tastes good, so I cook. I want a good relationship with my partner, so I organise date nights. I like being able to pay the rent, so I work freelance on top of my day job. I like spending time with my kids, so I set aside my weekends to be with them. None of these things is asking for a lot, is it?
I took on too much responsibility and — as you may have guessed — it didn’t go well.
I started to lose my temper at my partner. I’d be walking around with a head full of work deadlines and overdue bills, picking up clutter off the floor, and my partner would say something that would trigger me. My biggest one was any implication that I wasn’t doing enough. This seemed so grossly unfair that I’d — Utterly. Lose. My. Shit.
I’d become a different person. I was a cornered rat, ready to lash out.
Full rage. Swearing. Screaming. I wanted to break and hurt and destroy. The world became tinged in a blood red. My body was twitching and shaking and I couldn’t stop. It almost felt like an external force. Eventually, I’d just walk out, either of the house or the room — shutting the door behind me just a little too hard. I’d slowly work myself down from the peak of the rage, and sadness and despair would overtake. I felt shame and regret. I despise the feeling of losing control.
It became a cycle that would be repeated every couple of weeks. I’d be okay for a while, then the stress would slowly build again. I didn’t know how to break out of it. The feeling of being trapped makes it much harder.
As a mum, I often see articles telling us to lower our standards. That we just need to stop being perfectionists and we wouldn’t be so stressed. But sometimes the stress is not from high expectations, it’s just maintaining a basic standard of living.
Should we sit on the couch to watch TV with a barbie doll under each butt cheek? Send our kids to school in pants with gaping holes in the knees? Should we not bother eating — saving ourselves the time and money of shopping and cooking? Should we cut back our work hours and hope someone else pays our rent, or maybe just not sleep?
Is that what they mean by lowering our standards?
I was already cutting all the corners (trust me, there were times I couldn’t remember the last time the floor was vacuumed), there were no corners left to cut.
A saw a therapist who helped me realise I was carrying around ‘background’ stress all the time. This stress was making me unable to deal with less-than-ideal, but relatively minor, situations. And I needed to do something about it, no one else could reduce that stress for me.
I noticed the physical signs. I was getting headaches. I’d developed an almost constant (very annoying) twitch in my eyelid. My periods had stopped. I was falling to pieces. I started watching out for the feeling of the stress building and would take time out to meditate and calm myself.
I recognised how important it was for me — an introvert — to have alone time at least once every day and started taking that time regardless of whether my partner agreed. Our financial situation improved. And as I didn’t need the work as much, I could be more discerning about the freelance work I was taking on.
Talking about my behaviour still makes me feel ashamed. But maybe if it was spoken about more I’d have seen the warning signs and been able to do something about it earlier. Or maybe not. I don’t know. Motherly describes how ‘mum rage’ is a common issue. I think it’s partly because society expects mums to shoulder so much responsibility, with very little support. And I’m not sure that’s changing anytime soon.
But it made me realise everyone has a breaking point. Even the calmest, kindest person you know will explode with rage if you put them under enough pressure for long enough, and they can’t see a way to escape it. I mean, this is the basic premise of torture, right?
Many of us are suffering from ‘background’ stress and it’s making us the worst versions of ourselves. Relaxed — we’re patient, creative, loving people. Stressed — we become selfish, short-tempered and narrow-focussed. A good life requires a relaxed outlook. It requires time and patience and an investment of emotional energy. Without those things, how can you build relationships? How can you problem solve? How can you have fun? And so the stress snowballs.
There’s a lot that’s outside our control, but let’s not glorify an ability to work under pressure, let’s help relieve the pressure. Meet short tempers with an offer of help rather than a cold shoulder. Where you can, be patient, be kind.
(Ahem. It also wouldn’t hurt to pick some toys up off the floor occasionally.)
If you’ve enjoyed reading this, check out more of my (free) Medium articles here: A little bit about me and my writing.
