It’s Not the Truth That Hurts — It’s Behaviour
When I was a kid we had a list of rules on the fridge — things like ‘no hits, kick or punches’. (When my brother went through a particularly rebellious stage ‘don’t burn the fridge rules’ had to be added.)
But my mum’s #1 fridge rule was ‘tell the truth’. I knew that whatever trouble I got into if I was honest about it, I’d at least get brownie points for being up-front. And if I ever wanted to really, really piss her off, a lie was the quickest way to do it.
This means I’ve acquired an unusual approach to honesty. I’ve been reading articles about what not to ask your boyfriend and emotional affairs and can’t help but think there’s a better way. Sure, every situation is unique — but as a general rule, honesty is the best policy. Telling the truth should be our default.
Most dishonesty hides behind the excuse of not wanting to hurt others, but frankly — that’s bullshit 90% of the time. We’re protecting ourselves, not others. We hide behind lies to avoid discomfort and to have power over others’ choices.
Are you ready to be really honest? Yes, even about whether their bum looks big in that. Even about watching porn. Even about your past relationships. (Oh alright, you don’t have to tell your grandma you don’t like her fruit cake.)
But before you can be honest with others, you need to be honest with yourself.
Start with some home truths
Everyone feels ashamed of themselves sometimes, and it’s the hardest feeling to deal with. No one wants to face the crappy feeling of not being good enough. A failure. Not worthy. But the antidote is truth. Only by being truthful about our mistakes and limitations can we change them and move on.
We must ask ourselves why we think, feel and behave the way we do. Avoiding our problems doesn’t make them go away — give them air and light and see them for what they are. And once we’re honest with ourselves we can shift from presenting our ‘ideal’ selves, to being our true selves.
Not only will being stuck in our own heads become a bit easier, others will appreciate our self-honesty. It shows that we’re working on our damaged parts. It shows that we’re humble. It also empowers others to not live with shame — everyone makes mistakes and that’s ok.
Honesty is the basis of human connection
Being open and honest creates connection. You may have heard about the ‘36 questions to fall in love’ where researchers got participants to ask probing questions to build an emotional connection. Being vulnerable is the only way to have meaningful relationships with people. It’s the best way to build trust and affection.
Our interactions with other people are based on nuances — not just words and behaviours, but also tone, body language, pauses, gestures and expressions. When you’re dishonest you keep your guard up, and people know something is off. It creates background friction to the relationship, and the person will be left confused about what’s causing it.
Think about which is worse: knowing your wife doesn’t love you or suspecting it? Being told you offended a good friend or feeling them inexplicably withdraw. Having to deal with the jealousy of your partner’s sexual history, or being perplexed by their preferences and inhibitions?
The truth is a bridge — it doesn’t remove the issue, but it does allow people to stay connected despite it.
Often the real reason for dishonesty is fear of rejection — we’re afraid someone won’t like us if they knew the truth. But acceptance based on lies isn’t real acceptance. True love means being accepted even for the things you’re ashamed of. While you maintain a falsehood, you’re being robbed of the opportunity for someone to accept the real you.
The truth is a bridge over an issue between people. It doesn’t remove the issue, but it does allow them to stay connected despite it.
Lies are the biggest hurt there is
“But being honest would hurt them” I hear you say. No. It’s the circumstances that will hurt them, not the truth.
Being honest shows respect. Being untrue (through lies or omissions) is a way of gaining an advantage over someone. Withholding information is a form of exerting power. It’s a manipulation to suit yourself and maintain a situation you want, at the expense of the other person. If being honest would make someone behave differently towards you, then you’re perpetuating a false relationship. They have the right to make that decision for their own life — not be forced into it through misinformation.
Withholding information is a form of exerting power. It’s a manipulation to suit yourself and maintain a situation you want, at the expense of the other person.
Let’s look at it through an example: Let’s take a man in a heterosexual relationship who watches porn. Most people would say that this should be kept from their partner because the partner may get upset. The thinking is that dishonesty is justified to spare hurt feelings, but again — it’s the behaviour that may be hurtful, not the truth.
Why could the partner get upset? Maybe because it’s a sign that the man isn’t being sexually fulfilled by their partner? Maybe it suggests they fantasise about being with other women?
It’s possible that it’s something much less sinister (and not even hurtful) like boredom, habit, novelty, or peer pressure. But let’s assume the worst-case scenario: that the man isn’t being sexually fulfilled, doesn’t want to tell their partner and is turning to porn to meet that need.
The partner probably has a sense that something is amiss, can feel a distance in the relationship, but is confused about its cause. If they had that conversation — that she isn’t fulfilling some of his needs — then he’s giving her the power of information and creating a greater connection between them.
With an honest conversation, they can decide what to do about it:
- If there’s a fundamental mismatch that means they’ll always be unhappy together, they should end the relationship to find more suitable partners.
- They may be able to make compromises so both partners’ needs are being met, meaning they have a closer and more fulfilling relationship.
- She might actually enjoy meeting the need, she just didn’t know about it because it was never brought up.
- Or, she may not be able to meet that need but be empowered by knowing him better, and they can create boundaries and trust that means it doesn’t negatively impact their relationship.
All of these outcomes are positive. By being honest, the issue can be dealt with, to the benefit of both people.
It’s better to lose a relationship through honesty than maintain it through lies.
Yes, she may be hurt that she isn’t ‘enough’ for him — but that’s a reality that already exists and doesn’t change through dishonesty. He may lose the (otherwise loving) relationship. Still, it’s better to lose a relationship through honesty than maintain it through lies.
Another example that gets brought up a lot is the ‘does my bum look big in this’ scenario. In a truly truthful world, the asker would be confident in their affection — this isn’t a bid for love, they already know they’re loved. In a truthful world, they could ask ‘what do you love about me’ or ‘do you still find me attractive’ and get an honest answer. ‘Does my bum look big in this’ is asking a genuine opinion from someone they respect.
In which case a truthful answer is best. Different clothing is flattering to different body shapes, this has nothing to do with a person’s worth or attractiveness. If trust and connection are strong, it shouldn’t be hurtful to say an item of clothing isn’t flattering, if asked. It also gives weight to genuine compliments because they know that you’re not just saying it, you mean it.
It’s not always black and white
I get that not every situation is clear-cut. Particularly in lower-stakes situations, ‘white lies’ might be fine. Like, not telling your grandma you don’t like her fruit cake. Or surprise birthday parties, obviously.
Not telling your potential employer you’re planning to start a family, or your sexual orientation is definitely fine — they shouldn’t have the power to make that choice. And you don’t have to tell anything to someone you don’t like: honesty is about building a connection and showing respect, which a-holes don’t deserve.
You don’t need to tell your partner about an attraction if you’re 100% sure you’ll never act on it (although if asked point-blank, stick to the truth). Or offer up parts of your past that have very little impact on or relevance to your current life or the other person. Of course, you’re allowed to have a private life — as long as it’s not causing harm or taking any power (or choice) away.
We don’t have fridge rules at my house, but if someday I need to write some, being truthful will be at the top of my list too. Not just because I want my kids to be honest with me, but honest with their friends, future partners, bosses, and their own kids one day.
I don’t want them to be ashamed of themselves. I don’t want them to exert power over others. I don’t want them to miss out on the emotional bonds that come through vulnerability and openness.
I want them to always remember: it’s not the truth that hurts.
If you’ve enjoyed reading this, check out more of my (free) Medium articles here: A little bit about me and my writing.
