Should I be Monogamous or Non-Monogamous?
Perhaps Think Twice Before Incorporating Your Relationship in Delaware
I’ve been a dating coach and dating industry consultant for over 10 years, and one of the most common questions I get asked about monogamy vs. non-monogamy is whether one is better than the other. Should someone in a monogamous relationship aspire to one day “level up” to being non-monogamous / polyamorous? If non-monogamous folks believe themselves to have put so much work into crafting a more modern, highly communicative style of relationships, does that mean that monogamous folks are being left behind?
Though I’m a huge proponent of non-monogamy as a viable relationship option and I do consider it to be at least partly an orientation, I do not believe one relationship style to be naturally superior to the other. That said, they can be wildly different in terms of their expected complexity and fungibility, and I’d like to offer up a metaphor to help shed some light on what I see to be the primary difference between monogamy and non-monogamy.
I would compare monogamy to incorporating your business in Delaware, and non-monogamy to incorporating your business in literally any other state. For whatever reason (be it taxes, tort law, etc.), incorporating a business in Delaware is one of the most common and highly recommended options when starting out. There’s a tremendous body of case law that makes Delaware-based businesses far easier to navigate for far more people, and Delaware doesn’t tax DE-based businesses that do business outside the state (i.e. nearly all of them).
As a result of this, when you incorporate in Delaware, things are just…easier. The work is already done for you. You’re not taxed as much. Complications are fewer and further between.
Monogamy is like incorporating in Delaware.
Non-monogamy is, naturally, more complicated. It’s like incorporating anywhere else. The case law may not be in place. Your business may be taxed at far steeper rates, so to speak. There may be lots of cofounders, equity splits, even contractors milling about.
Let’s consider some real world examples:
If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you see someone cute on the street and want to ask them out, you simply….don’t do it. Simple as that. Resist the urge, think about the commitment you made to your partner, and move on.
In non-monogamy, there is no established precedent for what to do here. Decades of society’s ‘tort law’ don’t give you an easy answer. It’s the wild west. Everything comes down to the specific agreements you have with each of your partners. Maybe you’re in relationships with three different people, and while one of them is perfectly fine with you pursuing whomever you want, your other partner might have requested that you first let them know before actively pursuing a new prospective partner. Existing partners (known knowns) are typically less intimidating that newcomers (unknown unknowns). All the while, your relationship with your third partner may still be too nascent to even know what their preferences might be for how you engage with additional partners, so you realize that you may need a more nuanced relationship discussion with them before even proceeding with this new potential love interest you met while walking down the street.
Now do you see why so many people choose monogamy? Why so many people choose incorporating in Delaware? It’s just an easier default. We live in an attentionally divided age, facing an endless bombardment of stimuli each day. For countless millions of people, they simply don’t have the available emotional, physical, attentional, or monetary resources to sustain interest in, let alone investment across, multiple partners. According to the dating app OkCupid, only 9% of users would consider being part of a committed non-monogamous relationship. Given the complexities undergirding non-monogamy, that number isn’t a surprise to me at all.
Do I fault people for choosing one relationship style/orientation over another? Absolutely not.
Do I believe the world would be a better place if we didn’t assume monogamy to be the default, and if we were better versed in understanding and negotiating the complexities of human relationships, and if we weren’t so quick to judge or fault people for their specific relationship decisions, the facts of which we likely know little to nothing about? Yes.
Yes, I do believe that we, on the whole, utterly lack a well-rounded conceptual understanding of relationships that would otherwise help us thrive amongst one another, and moreover, I think we fundamentally lack practice with more nuanced relationship styles, and we rely entirely too much on shoddy (and frequently sexist, racist, misogynist, classist, etc.) social and cultural assumptions that prevent us from seeing the struggle, the creativity, and the raw, vulnerable humanity present in everyone’s relationship choices.
Incorporating your business in Delaware may be the societal default, and the option recommended by most accountants and lawyers, but perhaps before doing so next time, you’ll take a moment to consider whether that is indeed the best option for your specific relationship. Societal defaults are not necessarily the social or logistical optimum. Sometimes, it’s worth creating a new body of case law. Sometimes, the taxes we pay are worth it, if in the end they go toward supporting the communities and causes we care about.
Are you looking to incorporate a new relationship and want to brush up on some case law? Here are a few building blocks I’ve thrown together, inspired in large part by the iconic Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord* infographic:
🧱 Future Plans: Children? Where to live? Community involvement? Career trajectories?
🧱 Legal/Financial: Are you looking to get married? Domestic partnership? Joint property or business ownership? How soon?
🧱 Communication: Do you expect morning and evening texts/phone calls? Sexts? Weekly IRL check-ins? What do you actually need?
🧱 Exclusivities: Which boundaries are important to you? Sexual? Emotional? Romantic? Social? Structural?
🧱 Physical: How do you physically coexist? Dance? Cuddles? Hugs? Massage? Hand-holding? Nudity? Kissing? Co-sleeping?
🧱 Domestic: Do you want to build a household together? Routines? Chores? Cooking together?
🧱 Sexual: What do you need, sexually, and how frequently? What’s your relationship to STI testing & safer sex practices?
🧱 Emotional: What makes you feel safe/secure? When and how are you vulnerable? How do you approach difficult conversations? What kinds of commitments are you prepared to make, and when?
🧱 Romantic: What makes you feel loved? What are your love languages, both for giving and receiving?
🧱 Religious/Spiritual: Do you want/expect shared ritual/prayer/beliefs/traditions?
🧱 Creative: Do you want creative camaraderie? Arts, crafts, music, dance, yoga, theatre, improv, martial arts?
🧱 Technological: How integrated would you like to be? Shared accounts/licenses/tools/consoles/passwords?
🧱 Public-Facing: How “out” do you want to be about your relationship? Facebook official? Out to friends, family, coworkers?
🧱 Caregiving: Are you able to be relied upon? Do you have any (relatives with) disabilities or conditions a partner should know about?
🧱 Values/Political: Do you want to work toward the same future, or will your respective efforts and trajectories directly conflict?
*Updated by maxxhillcreates; explained on the Multiamory Podcast: https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/339-the-smorgasbord-of-relationships
I’m Steve Dean, an NYC-based dating industry consultant and relationship coach.
I offer coaching to individuals who need help with dating & relationships, as well as customized consultations for dating companies who need help with product strategy and growth.
I like to write and podcast about dating, relationships, and how to get connected to awesome jobs, roommates, and events. If you’d like to keep tabs on what I’m working on, you can follow my Patreon page, or connect with me anywhere:
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