This is an excerpt from my latest book Dear Hannah: 70 Methods I Used and Abused to Change Who I Am.
How NOT to Find Work that You Love
Date: February 2, 2010
Age: 27
Location: Austin, TX
Subject: Career-Planning Text Trap
Hi Hannah. I know, I know … everything in moderation. I’ve been kind of overshooting some of the conclusions from cognitive therapy. But I can’t help it. I’m just so tired of being tired with my career.
I’m working on this Android app called StopTxting, which does exactly what its name suggests. In order to test it, I have to get in my car, pick up speed, try to text, and then make sure I cannot. I know … this is probably the most dangerous thing I’ve ever done as a software developer. Fortunately, I found a nice long stretch of road behind Pease Park, where I spend 30 minutes a day going on test-runs. On the one hand, this affords me a convenient retreat during which I can cruise around, with the shade of the park’s trees rifling through my sunroof. On the other hand, it gives me space to ruminate on how much I hate this app. The project’s been going on for a couple months now, and probably has many more months left in it, and as its project manager, I have to see it through.
The thing is, I don’t blame Mutual Mobile or the client for my unhappiness. I blame myself. I’ve become stuck in yet another text trap. I have this knack (talent?) for writing something down and then rigidly following it like a robot. Last November, I had an epiphany in one of my CBT sessions, when I realized that all of my anxiety was the result of not having a plan. So I just wrote one, telling myself to try working at Mutual Mobile for six months.
I thought this would settle my career angst, but every time I started wavering, I’d immediately open Google Docs and look at my plan. Or if I weren’t at my desk, I would visualize the actual text, with its lines and shapes, clearly in my mind’s eye, like it was Holy Scripture. “I wrote this plan, I’m committed to it, I have to stick with it. It’s the only way I can be happy.”
Of course, this wasn’t sustainable, and so I went through about five title changes in six weeks. I started out as a programmer, then I became the hiring director, then a project manager, then a product research consultant, then an idea guy, and now back to project managing.
I don’t know how I get away with it. Maybe Tarun and the other 22-year-olds who run Mutual Mobile keep giving me a free pass, because they like my “war stories” from Silicon Valley. Or maybe they’re impressed that I have the same amount of pluck as they do, despite my relatively old age. Either way, they let me do whatever the hell I want, and it’s probably harmed me more than it’s helped. If they just said, “Phil, you have to stick to one thing for at least a couple months,” I probably would have put up or shut up by now.
Finally I just snapped. Today I had a CBT session and admitted two major things. First, I hate working at Mutual Mobile. No amount of title changes or stock options can change that fact. Second, even though it’s been more than five years since I graduated from college, I still have no idea what I want to do for work. That’s why I got so locked in the text trap. I desperately want to have a career, any career, even if it’s false.
So, I deleted my Google Doc and just felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. Now I’m staring at a blank screen, and I am reminded of what it’s like when you start a new painting. When you’re staring at the blank canvas, trying to decide where to place the first brushstroke, you don’t refer to any plan or formula. You just let the chips fall where they may.
- Phil
Cognitive therapy was a little slow in stopping yet another text-based method abuse. If I had meditated, I would’ve seen within a day that this artificial commitment to a career path was a Band-Aid. Nonetheless, I put in my two weeks notice a few weeks later.
Other letters from Dear Hannah about finding work that you love:
• How to Really Pursue One’s Passion
• Creativity and the Power of “Letting Go”
• One Way to Figure out What to Do with Your Life
• How I Found Work that I Love
• How I Got out of My Funk and Got Back to Work
› How NOT to Find Work that You Love
This is an excerpt from my latest book Dear Hannah: 70 Methods I Used and Abused to Change Who I Am.
Before Philip wrote his first line of code, he tried to re-program his mind. For his 14th birthday, Hannah gave him Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, which kicked off a life-long obsession with self-improvement. Follow Philip over 82 letters as he re-tells his journey from winning ThinkQuest, to quitting Stanford, to dealing with dating, happiness, and direction, to eventually making it as an indie iOS app developer. Dear Hannah is either a cautionary tale about self-improvement, or it is a filter for the 10% of self-help that may actually change your life.
PHILIP DHINGRA is a President’s Scholar from Stanford University, where he received his B.A. in Mathematical and Computational Sciences. In addition to authoring books on life change, he develops best-selling iOS apps including Nebulous Notes and The Creative Whack Pack (a collaboration with creativity pioneer Roger von Oech). Philip divides his time between Austin, Texas, and San Francisco, California.
