Love is not enough for a good marriage
5 Money stories to look out for before you marry her
Is “His money is OUR money and my money is MY money ” the root of marital evil?
What’s the most you’ve ever lost in a coin toss? -Anton Chiguhur
Thats a great scene from NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN(2007. The suspense was unbearable as we the audience knew the odds for the innocent man.
Crazy comparison but for many men that’s the gamble they make going into marriage based on Fun and Attraction alone.
Dear Nephew,
The money stories you believe and those of the woman intend to marry are critical.
When women file for divorce a lot of the time it’s income/finance related.
Ironically Money is also the reason young men delay marriage.
It’s a serious matter.
So serious that from a Biblical perspective its Mammon is rated higher as a competitor with God for the heart of humans than Satan .
“You cannot serve both God and mammon. 💰
There are people who will do anything for money.
They will kick down moral and ethical doors like the DEA on a drug bust if they see a financial benefit on the other side.
Step on any throat. Stab any back.
Make any trade like a politician on House of Cards.
As long as it “secures the bag” 💰💸 or gains them some leverage.
This is aim of many people these days going into a relationship.
The book The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel explores how we think about money and it’s ripple effect on lifestyles and choices.
1- CONTENTMENT
“Comfortably living below what you can afford, without much desire for more, removes a tremendous amount of social pressure that many people in the modern first world subject themselves”- Morgan Housel
Is she content with what she has?
Not to be confused with lack of ambition and growth which can be done without material acquisition.
But constantly wanting to non-essential accumulate material things cos others online and offline have them ?
Incurring consumer debt on credit cards. Engage in shopping therapy.
Must have every new gadget.
Buy the latest phone upgrade even when they got a new one 12 months ago.
Based on her spending habits, her demands/expectations for money. Would you have any wiggle room financially or with too much month at the end of the money?
2- EASILY INFLUENCED
“Being swayed by people playing a different game can also throw off how you think you’re supposed to spend your money. So much consumer spending, particularly in developed countries, is socially driven: subtly influenced by people you admire, and done because you subtly want people to admire you”- Morgan Housel
The Americans call in “Keeping up with the Jones”, in Nigeria we have a variation called “Pepper dem” roughly translated as spend in a way that makes them envious.
Unfortunately its middle class and up and coming young adults who get into this mentality.
When she’s constantly competing with their friends, sibling, co-worker’s spending and material accumulation.
She must have a bigger birthday party, newer phone, better shoes, most recent car etc.
Her life is about keeping up appearances and how her life is perceived regardless of the financial strain.
Not necessarily a red flag but its necessary to address and decide, because it can eventually spiral into a big problem.
3-SPEND OR SAVE
“Personal savings and frugality — finance’s conservation and efficiency — are parts of the money equation that are more in your control and have a 100% chance of being as effective in the future as they are today.”- Morgan Housel
In an age of consumerism, frugality is often labelled as Stingy.
Do a search on social media for the word “broke men” and you’ll see how derisively it’s used to shame men.
The guy with a budget for how much he’ll spend on a first date is seen as stingy/broke.
But considering she can decide to block him after the date, isn’t that a wise choice?
If you are frugal and intentional about putting as much as possible into saving for investment and emergency fund, while she is all about enjoying the now “money is for spending” particularly, your money
Then you’ll will constantly clash and whoever gets their way will be resented by the other person.
4-WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY?
“Savings can be created by spending less. You can spend less if you desire less. And you will desire less if you care less about what others think of you. …..money relies more on psychology than finance. And you don’t need a specific reason to save.”- Morgan Housel
Many wives spending habits rises with increased income. Sometimes it’s not her’s income but her husband’s. She believes his money must reflect on her appearance and lifestyle.
“People will think you arent taking care of me”
All of sudden she MUST have that new dress, clutch bag and shoes to match, Take a holiday, change her iPhone.
While her husband sees the increase as creating more wiggle room for independence and not worrying about money.
While there must be compromise to enjoy and splurge once in a while, get yourself a treat
As Ramit Sethi, writer/podcast host of I Will Teach You To Be Rich (Now a Nexflix show) says
“Frugality, quite simply, is about choosing the things you love enough to spend extravagantly on — and then cutting costs mercilessly on the things you don’t love.”
Clashing on this while dating is a huge red flag and if unresolved, a Final Destination situation.
This next one is not from Housel but a rhetoric frequently seen on social media conversations about Dating,Marriage and Money
5- His money is OUR, my money is MY money
How many economies in the world can a household be comfortably sustained on only one income within the median range?
Not outlier men who earn $100,000+ but those in the $50,000 and below?
If done there are a lot of sacrifices made for his wife to stay at home as the Chief Domestic Officer.
But how about women who earn a full-time income?
Should her money only be for her and not the home?
Some men are ok with this.
They love being a provider and don’t even think about the money their woman brings in.
Built an identity in being the man of the house who handles everything.
Some of it is just nonsense machismo because the entirety of the relationship was greased with money i.e him meeting demands, making grand gestures, apologising with money, paying her rent, car note, endless gifts etc
Some don’t want the drama, disrespect and power tussle that comes with accepting money from a woman as some women never let it go or increase in disrespect.
But young man, here are some scenarios to consider.
The 2020 lockdown and the December 2022 to February 2023 tech layoffs are a reminder that life throws everyone curveballs.
So what if something happens to your income ?
What happens if you wake up and are one of many high earners, suddenly unemployed, like the December 2022- January 2023 mass lay offs in the tech world?
What happens when the unexpected like the 2020 lockdown affects your ability to earn?
What if you fall ill and cant work for 6 months and she has to take over all the bills your previously handled? Will she do it without daily complaining and implying you’re a burden or less of a man?
Will she have your back or is she going to cut and run to another man to finance her life?
Will she grumble about every cent she has to spend of her money
Will the respect remain the same ? Or will she grow in contempt and emasculate you every time she pays a bill you previously handled with no problem?
These are CRITICAL questions to ask yourself and make observations on how she relates with money.
Don’t be so distracted by fun dates that you miss obvious red flags.
Some women have denied their husbands of food, affection, respect and sex because of income problems “you’re broke and you want food/sex”.
These were not lazy, irresponsible, abusive or controlling men.
They provided and handled the bulk of the finances before the unfortunate situation.
These wives resented having to now spend their own money on the home because it previously was solely for her discretion and enjoyment.
So it’s not about planning to spend her income but observing her character and money story.
Know if she’s the type to play power games if she’s the higher earner. (This means YOU don’t play power games because you bring in more money)
Is she likely to become disrespectful because she automatically sees a man not paying majority of the bills as useless to her?
Does she keep friends who’ll make her resent you for spending her money during this period.
Does she always expect a re-fund directly/indirectly anytime she’s spent money on you or paid for something ?
Does she expect you to over-extend yourself financially for her(outings, outfits, gifts, dates) while being frugal with her own money?
Once again this is not about you keeping an eye on her money but knowing if she’ll abandon ship at the slightest sign of a financial iceberg.
Some women have valid reasons due to what she saw in their parents marriage or in their favourite aunt’s marriage so its a subconscious thing that through therapy and pre-marriage counselling can be resolved.
Others are entitled and want to live on a man’s income till she tires of him, falls out of love, lands someone richer or has a new adventure to pursue, and leaves with all her income intact.
In either situation, talk about it and get on the same page before going into marriage.
If she’s adamant that “HER MONEY” is separate from the family income, never to be used on the home and not even on the children.
While yours should finance everything
It’s an indication she already has one foot out of the door at the slightest inconvenience or discomfort. She’s keeping her income as an escape plan.
Have you seen any of those viral videos of a wedding where the lady refuses to say For Richer or for poorer and insists on saying For Richer or for richer?
That’s a conditional relationship. Conditional on financial convenience/comfort.
That’s not a marriage. That’s a temporary Joint Venture. A kept woman with the legal coverage of a wife.
PICTURE THIS
Imagine a tag team match in the WWE and one partner refuses to be tagged in as their team mate receives a severe beating, then walks out of the auditorium, heads to the parking lot, then airport.
Absurd illustration, right?
Marriage is FULL of inconveniences and the unexpected and it’s only a matter of time it implodes.
So if you are a man reading, it’s a good thing to desire to provide for the woman you love.
It’s a God thing.
“If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” — 1 Timothy 5:8
But as they say in the military, Stay Frosty don’t place so much of your identity in
“I’m the man, i pay for everything”
That’s how you get taken advantage of by a woman who won’t throw you a life line and walks away with everything she’s saved over the years, while you drown
Or worse, stays, daily growing in contempt as she mocks, emasculates and belittles you every time she has to pay a bill.
Remember the story of the Prodigal Son and his fair weather companions?
I’m certain he was surrounded by an abundance of women in his own playboy penthouse, who enjoyed his money while it was flowing free and abandoned him immediately it dried up.
Any woman with a full time income who believes her money should not be spent on the man she’s dating, finds a way to get a refund for the Pizza she paid which they both ate.
She’s signalling how she’ll behave in a marriage.
BONUS :
WHAT MONEY STORY ARE YOU PRESENTING HER?
Have you as a man spent the relationship giving her the impression that you are Alpha and Omega and her money will never be needed?
Did you pursue her with money, lead the relationship with money, fix things with money?
As much as you want to do nice things for her and should.
Don’t start anything you cant sustain in the long term,
Don’t over-extend yourself financially because you want to impress a woman.
Don’t go into debt/take a loan on behalf of a woman you’re dating.
Its a sign of financial irresponsibility if she has numerous unpaid (consumer) debt and doesn’t have the desire or integrity to pay it off. RED FLAG.
Proverbs 22:26 AMP
Do not be among those who give pledges [involving themselves in others’ finances], Or among those who become guarantors for others’ debts.
If she breaks up you are on your own as she starts a new relationship and forgets you exist.
If you do marry and are stuck in debt. It creates problems.
Does this sound cynical? Unromantic?
Maybe.
But millions of good men around the world have emotional, psychological and financial scars because they didn’t find out the money story of the woman they married.
Or they chose to ignore it either out of idealism, psyops, delusion or the notion that life would never throw curve balls which strike out his finances or ability to earn.
Just don’t do it.
Make smart choices.
If you like this entry in the #DearNephew series or know a young man who would benefit from them, please share and consider subscribing. Thanks
