MODERN DATING IS WAR FARE SUN TZU DIDN’T SEE COMING
Shame,Insults and Guilt are attempts to manipulate you. Identify them and become bullet proof
Your spidey senses need to pick up these dangers to your mental health
You’re broke a virgin who lives in his mother’s basement, get out of my mentions, loser.
Ever heard or read something like that?
Most young men who’ve been on social media have been money or body shamed at some point.
Dear Nephew,
You will come across of bullies and aggressive people, of both genders of all ages in your lifetime.
In school the neighbourhood, on the streets, in the mall, in the office, in a family gathering and need to learn how to approach, resolve or de-escalate each situation as necessary.
And when you seek or enter romantic relationships you are on 24/7 call.
If humans have behavioural animal equivalents for preying and violence:
Men would be eagles, lions and bears which use physical strength and speed to hunt, overwhelm and kill their prey.
Women would be snakes, spiders and scorpions which rely on poison, venom and trapping their prey, not strength.
This explains why in the Human world/predatory behaviour,
Male serial/spouse killers usually rely on physical violence
Female serial/spouse killers usually rely on poison/stab him while asleep /sedated
There are exceptions but those are edge cases.
You already know how to meet male aggression but handling female aggression is not the same, as much as it is within your control, never let it get physical.
So let’s talk about your options.
In an interview with Anne McElvoy senior editor at The Economist and head of Economist Radio.
Clinical psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson in a back and forth with McElvoy responded to a question on aggression, innuendo and gossip in males and females.
“It’s a well-documented field. People look at aggressive and anti-social behaviour in women and in men, and in women it tends to take the expression of innuendo, gossip and reputation destruction. In men, it tends to take the form of outright physical aggression. There’s a whole literature on that. It’s not a surprise to anyone. This has been known for 30 years.
Women use verbal stamina to attack men.
Women are more proficient at word use to manipulate or stick a knife in the hearer’s heart.
By the same token, women will often try and make a man feel ashamed, bad or guilty for behaviour that the woman does not agree to. For instance, if a man does not comply with her set of dating rules, she might call him a “jerk” or label him “cheap”. She may try to vilify him and make him feel bad about his sexuality. — -Esther Vilar (The Manipulated Man)
You will never win an argument with a woman because after a while it won’t be about who is factual but about who is willing to
shift the goal post,
deflect with “but what about”,
bring up the the past,
deny reality and play dirty.
The person who has a stronger need to be right will ignore facts and keep going regardless of how flawed the position.
Like Dr Peterson pointed out, bullying between women is rarely physical but a combination of psychological attacks and reputation damage as seen in High school films, Carrie(1976), Jawbreaker(1999) Cruel Intentions(1999) and Mean Girls(2004) many continue this long after graduation and do it in the office, neighbourhood association, PTA and their relationships.
HOW TO WEAR YOUR BODY/MIND ARMOUR
It will take you a while do de-programme yourself from everything RomComs, Love songs and Telenovellas have told you is the way things are, so don’t get discouraged when change is not immediate.
Stay alert for SIGN language:
Shaming Insults Guilt tripping Need to be right.
If you want healthy relationships with minimal stress, anxiety and confusion you need to learn how to identify them early.
Its not always malicious, its sometimes socialisation but when on the receiving end it doesn’t really matter the source.
SHAMING — They attack your identity as a man. The cultural expectations of men and her own expectations from men, to shame you for not matching it.
That’s why they say “a real man would” “if you were a real man” “as a man it’s your duty to” “you’re just a broke guy, that’s why” “your mates are buying things for their girlfriend and you can’t”
INSULTS — “You aren’t a real man”. “You’re a failure as a man”. “You’re a coward”. “You’re a useless man”
GUILT- “If you loved me you would do it for me”. “If you really loved me i wouldn’t have to ask, you would know my needs.” “i cheated on you because you stopped paying attention to me”
NEED TO BE RIGHT- This is when despite evidence she won’t admit being wrong, misunderstanding or missing the point. She then deflects or redirects the conversation, changes the topic, just because she needs to be right.
Petty, effeminate and socialised misandrist/feminist males also resort to these tactics to win arguments or deflect from the present situation.
Mockery and emasculation is also a tool in their arsenal as well as accusations of sexism and misogyny at any sight difference of opinion, perspective or expectation of accountability.
Many relationship coaches, gurus & unfortunately even pastors enable this behaviour telling the men to just agree with her even when she’s clearly in the wrong.
In West Africa we say “Na so woman dey do” loosely translated as “That’s just how women are” “women are emotional” to get temporary peace or unblocked sexual access. Similar to destructive male behaviours downplayed with Boys will be Boys.
This may explain why many men die 10–20 years before their wife. Silently enduring things, swallowing in silence unresolved issues just to avoid an argument, denial of sex or a bad mood.
Society deemed toxic behaviour from women as normal under the cloaking of emotional expression, time of the month, the man not doing enough to please her, a clueless neanderthal, response to patriarchy, other double standards.
Are some of those things true for some women? In some cases and in response to some men. YES.
Do badly behaved men who bring out the worse in a woman exist ? YES, you’ll meet a lot of them in college, work and life.
That’s just humanity, regardless of gender/race/ethnicity.
But don’t buy into the propaganda that men are only ones with an ego problem, in the office or relationships.
Women also have egos and delight in being pandered and getting their way or there will be trouble.
Watch any daytime talk show or relationship seminar which puts all blame on the man and exalt the woman for putting up with him.
As a man it’s your desire and delight to make the woman in your life happy.
That’s a natural desire and commendable.
But in this desire, you MUST avoid manipulation or that woman will lose respect for you, if she had any to begin with depending on how you approached her and carried yourself at the beginning.
She will enjoy getting what she wants easily for a while but after that gets old. She wont respect you and will seek out someone she can.
Learn to discern manipulation, be un-phased by it and refuse to give in to it.
You can only control and are responsible for your own emotional responses and reactions.
Don’t blame anyone for them and don’t allow anyone blame theirs on you.
Life coach Mel Robbins says
“You are not responsible for somebody else’s emotional reactions. Your life will get very simple and much easier when you focus on telling the truth.”
Like a parent who refuses to give in to a child who throws herself on the floor in the supermarket, hoping the parent will give in to avoid embarrassment.
A parent who gives in is finished and that child has now identified the power to get their way.
Author of “No More Mr Nice Guy”, Robert Glover writes
“In many ways, humans aren’t much different from pets. People often behave the way they have been trained to behave.
For example, if a person gives his dog a treat when he pisses on the carpet, the dog will keep pissing on the carpet.
The same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner’s undesirable behaviours, she will keep behaving in undesirable ways.”
Some women are not conscious of it, it’s learned from her mother, aunts, friends, fictional characters and other women from her life who saw it as a means of survival and getting what they want.
Some women are fully aware and use it to their advantage.
Some when it’s brought to their attention and if they care about the person and relationship, they’ll make an effort to change.
When you become bulletproof, people’s words intended to hurt you eventually bounce off your chest like bullets off Superman’s chest.
It doesn’t mean that you won’t nip it in the bud and give an appropriate response.
It means you don’t react emotionally and give anyone that power over you.
Not strangers, co-workers, relatives, neighbours. NOT ANYONE.
Former Secret Service Agent, Evy Poumpouras writes in her book, Becoming Bulletproof,
“Of course, there will be certain times when you have to respond. When it directly relates to a relevant issue, then by all means reply, just do so from a place of logic. Focus on the issue at hand, be methodical in the words you choose, and condense your communication to the bare minimum, when appropriate
You will fail miserably at this for a while due to social conditioning and frankly, beautiful women who we desire have a way of turning our reasoning into scrambled eggs, just ask Samson.
Strong enough to kill thousands of enemies with a jaw bone, but not strong enough to resist the emotional weight put on him by the women he desired.
It’s not easy and won’t happen in a week, a month, might even take more than a year.
It won’t happen just because you read this.
But you have the opportunity to start now.
HOWEVER,
Don’t interpret everything she says, requests or expresses is a manipulation ploy. That’s a quick way to frustration and invalidating genuine concerns and Bye Bye relationship.
So don’t over-correct and get so guarded that you become unfeeling towards her emotions and desires, that’s a quick way to lose a good woman.
Don’t let yourself get cynical while becoming vigilant of human manipulation. It’s tough but necessary.
So meditate upon 1 Peter 3:7
In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman.
Show her honour and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.
Learn this long before you get married then apply to the woman you marry.
Start practicing patience now with the women in your inner circle who you know care about your highest good.
But always remember your brains interpret things different, so what means nothing to you, could be a lot to her.
She feels things a lot stronger than you, even those things that don’t register with you as significant.
So while being building your bullet proof-ness, also build your patience
Make good choices Kiddo
Then you’ll be a man my boy
Your Uncle
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What are some tips you would give to avoid being manipulated by guilt, shame and gaslighting? Please leave a comment.
