There’s a dormant part of you waiting awakening
How men in a dead relationship can get unstuck, regain their mojo and respect
When you realise this. Everything changes
The personal, professional and societal expectations on a man are never ending.
It doesn’t end when a man marries the “love of his life”.
Some homes are not a sanctuary but a place of endless pressure and judgement.
Many women have an ideal life they desire once married.
A Happily ever after provided by her husband. After the Honeymoon period, they tend to get resentful that their daily life is actually, life. Paying bills.
Taking care of a home and kids Not the fairy tale of their childhood or their favourite Hallmark Christmas film.
The husband is on the receiving end of this resentment as he’s seen as, “not doing enough”
Not making enough money. Not intentional enough. Not inspiring enough. No attractive to her anymore. Not deserving of courtesy.
Well you get the picture.
Three films came to mind about characters who found themselves in such a situation.
Hutch Mansell In NOBODY(2021) played by Bob Odenkirk
His marriage has turned into co-parenting and room mates
His wife looks down on him for a non-violent response to home invasion
His son sees him as incapable of responding to a violent situation
Doug Varney In BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY(2014) played by Sam Rockwell
His wife does not respect him. Publicly embarrasses him.
His Father-in-Law and boss does not respect him, steamrolls him, reneges on agreements.
He’s sleepwalking through his life. A doormat for everyone who sees that he’s conflict avoidant.
Lester Burnham in AMERICAN BEAUTY played by Kevin Spacey
His wife doesn’t respect him and regularly berates him.
His daughter thinks of him as embarrasing
He hates his and his younger boss doesn’t respect him and passes him up for promotion.
Lester and Doug get an awakening when an attractive blonde comes into their life .
Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement of Lester or Doug’s lustful pursuits/choices/motivations.
Hutch due to the home invasion. His retrieval of the Kitty Kat bracelet and the fight on the bus, which made him feel alive again.
Fun Fact: Bob Odenkirk was in his late 50s when he trained and prepared to play Hutch. That’s encouraging.
“Too many men have taken a passive approach to their lives and, in turn, have created a life they’re not at all proud of living.”
― Ryan Michler- SOVEREIGNTY
Hutch, volunteered retirement to a quieter life. Going through the motions in a boring, monotonous life.
Living in the suburbs. The pillow separating him and his wife in bed as a visual metaphor for the division in their marriage bed.
It’s a passionless and sexless marriage, they live like passing ships.
Main difference in NOBODY is she didn’t openly show her disdain for him in the presence of their offspring.
Lester and Doug had lost any sort of fight in them. Stuck in learned helplessness.
Both resigned themselves to a life of never pushing back on disrespect or disregard. Learned helplessness.
Avoiding conflict at all costs. Never rocking the boat.
Passive and accepting a fake sense of Peace at the cost of Dignity.
Accepting things as “just the way it is”.
A state of inertia until a blonde comes into Lester and Doug’s life.
A lot of men often let disrespect, being taken for granted slide “for peace to reign”.
Told to accept it “that just how women are” “thats what it takes to live with a woman” or told it’s his fault for not knowing how to make her happy.
Doug’s awakening was from a gorgeous woman who made him feel seen and desired again.
Each man starts to assert himself.
As if unplugged from the Matrix and see the possibilities of life, socially and professionally.
Becoming more assertive and less concerned about upsetting the people who didn’t give him the same courtesy.
Both Doug and Lester started running and lifting weights. Lost a tonne of weight. Started getting in shape, in Lester’s case, well after middle age .
They looked much better, regained their confidence and their wives noticed this transformation.
Hutch stopped repressing himself and unlocked his primal nature to come put to play.
Hutch: There’s a long dormant piece of me, now awake, that wants so very badly out
The home invasion lead to him being emasculated by his wife and son for not doing anything.
He gets his chance when he takes down a group of hooligans and save a female passenger and bus driver.
He begins to feel like his old self again. Empowered, capable, in -charge, battle ready.
In his book WILD AT HEART, John Eldridge writes
“Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”
Doug’s home life changed when he stopped being passive, asserted himself and stopped taking her snark, dismissal and disrespect.
Hutch’s wife saw his capability to defend their home and protect her and the kids.
Hutch got his marriage back and the fire in him
Doug ’s marriages was already over (not a divorce endorsement) But he recovered self respect and enthusiasm for life and the fire in their belly
Lester’s regain himself and desire to live , not just exist.
LESSONS
- Don’t wait for an external force to come inspire you to become the best of yourself Physically, Mentally. Not a muse, situation or curve ball
2.Don’t live your life as the “nice guy”. The conflict avoidant guy who allows everyone get their way disrespecting him and never facing any consequence.
3.Be assertive. Be tactful but know you can never please everyone and some people need to get unpleasant feedback.
DON’T TRY TO BE A NICE GUY.
Be a civil guy. Nice is easily manipulated. Easily malleable by the need to people please and give in to guilt.
Doug was too concern with being the nice guy, never pushing back and everyone around him exploited that weakness.
Your duty in your life and then in your marriage is to be Chief Security Officer. Keeping everyone safe is a higher priority than if the people are having fun or happy with you.
You are a Warrior Priest, there to protect your home from negative external influence and their own bad decisions.
4. Never tolerate disrespect. You don’t have to scream or make a scene. DON’T GET PHYSICAL
But speak up. Most bullies only continue when they don’t meet any resistance and they see no fight.
Speak up and most times they back down.
“Happy wife, Happy life” is from the pit of Hell.
Male Relationship coaches who say this to men because they want to keep selling books, seminars and pandering to their female audience, should be publicly flogged.
Aim for Happy Spouse, Happy House, her “happiness” at the expense of peace and respect is unacceptable. It has to be mutual.
A wife is meant to be “a good thing” to “obtaineth favour of the Lord”
Not an albatross around the neck. A dripping tap in the middle of the night.
Doug’s wife was a bully because there was no fight in him. She met no resistance to her combativeness, aggression and verbal attacks.
Once she did, the disrespect stopped and she was turned on by him once again.
5.Keep the fight in you
Don’t lose your frame or the fight in you in attempts to keep false peace and avoid conflict.
Don’t negotiate with (emotional) terrorists or pay blackmailers, it never ends and only emboldens them.
Whatever temporary relief you get from giving in is only giving them momentum to come back stronger.
While you pick your battles and know that sometimes a woman is just being a woman and just seeking attention.
Know when to baby her, de-escalate a situation peacefully, pattern interrupt or shut it down in such a way that its clear that treatment wont be tolerated.
Once you become passive or lethargic it’s over. Might as well let her castrate you and keep it in a mason jar under the sink.
Make smart choices kiddo
Till next time
Your Uncle
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