Overcoming Your Negativity Bias
I heard someone once explain that we as humans often focus more on the negative than the positive because of an ancient animalistic instinct. Our predecessors needed that awareness to be able to learn from and avoid encounters with outside aggressors. However, in modern, developed times, where predator attacks are far less frequent, we do not have the same use for this mental trigger. Actually, in a society where there are far more, less aggressive stressors, this innate predisposition to focus on that which is perceived as harmful can drive us even madder than the concern with intermittent, higher-stake episodes (e.g. being chased by a bear), with which our ancestors were familiar. However, when we learn to change our negativity bias toward all the little, inconvenient events that occur in daily life, and instead, as my grandma would say, find the silver lining in them all, we can come to find greater peace and trust in the present moment and in the larger periods of terrible trials and difficult decisions that we encounter throughout life.
I can often be what is euphemistically called a contingency planner. More accurately, it could be termed a worry wart. Many times, I will become overly concerned about what others will think of me if x happens or what I will do if y comes to pass. Usually, my expectations are exaggerations of what others really make of the situation and what could actually happen. However, what I’ve slowly and repeatedly come to realize is that worry does not usually affect the outcomes of a given situation. It only makes one’s experience of the present moment more chaotic. There are instances where thoughtful attention can help catch an error or fix a problem. But, more often than not, worry is usually not worth it.
A term related to worrying about what others think of you is what is called “unrelenting standards.” In their book Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior . . . and Feel Great Again, Drs. Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko discuss several “life traps,” which are maladaptive schemas, often picked up in childhood, through which we see the world. Unrelenting standards are defined as “[striving] relentlessly to meet extremely high expectations of yourself . . . [and] probably [applying] your rigid standards to other people as well.” I believe that I have held myself to these unrelenting standards, as a way to compensate for another life trap of mine, which is perceiving myself as defective, due to my physical limitations from brain cancer treatment. Many of my unrelenting standards are based on what I think others expect of me and what society portrays as normal or important (e.g. fitness, athleticism, success, comfort, etc.).
Under my self-subjugating standards, I also worry about what others will think of me if I do not meet these often unrealistic ideals. Maybe you too in some way deal with exaggerated concern about what others think of you or your own excessive scrupulosity. However, overcoming this life trap does not mean that we should ignore all standards and morals. Rather, whenever we are feeling overly anxious, we should step back and logically analyze if our concerns are rational or not (i.e. listing the facts that prove/disprove the thought). If they are irrational, maybe we can engage in a sort of therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, to help to improve our outlook toward ourselves.
As well, when reflecting on life, it can be easy to view our past through a lens of regret and to look toward our future with an anxious gaze. However, the reality is that we cannot change our past. Often, things happen that are out of our control, or we have had to do our best to react to an inherently poor situation. But, we can rest assured if we tried our best and “left it all on the field,” as the saying goes.
Additionally, if we have been through some tough experiences, we may be cautiously worried about what the future holds. However, again, worry does not normally affect the outcomes of a given situation. Of course, we must do our best to set ourselves up for success. But, we must also know that there is the possibility that something will not work out as we had hoped. All we can do is live the best that we can in the present moment, with integrity and trust.
However, it can be hard to trust when we’ve been wronged or been through a tough trauma before. If you’ve had a serious illness, it may be hard not to worry that you’ll become sick again. If a loved one has died or you’ve been through a rift in a relationship, it may be hard to entrust yourself to anyone else again. Or, if you have been through difficulties with your finances or your job, you may believe that you will never recover or that you will not be able to find work again. However, these are all negativity biases. In a sense, it is our animalistic instinct protecting us from social stressors that we encounter in modern life. From a psychological standpoint, it is our traumatized psyches protecting us from future, recurrent injury. It is a weak defense mechanism that falsely promises that we will never be able to be hurt like that again, if only we continually worry about and stay on the lookout for future harms.
Contrarily, Kelly McGonigal, in her TED talk “How to Make Stress Your Friend,” explains the health benefits of viewing stressors as a means of growth. She mentions various studies which indicate that viewing stress positively (e.g. viewing it as an opportunity for growth or just trying to find something to be thankful for in the midst of it all), instead of trying to avoid it, is actually associated with decreased mortality. Additionally, stress makes us want to bond with others more, via the release of the hormone oxytocin. When we share with others in our difficulties, we mutually benefit one another by allowing ourselves to find companionship in our struggles and by giving others the chance to be charitable. By taking a step back and adapting our biased view toward life with this new approach, we can adopt a more constructive perspective toward our current situations.
In a previous article, Our Daily Bread: Reflecting on Your Desolation in Times of Consolation, I discussed not only the value of reflecting on your blessings in times of trial, but also of remembering your crosses when you are comfortable. The foundational Ignatian principles of consolation and desolation are central to this article. I note how it may actually be easier to reflect on our desolation in times of consolation, rather than when we are actively passing through those difficult times in life. Also, by reflecting on our difficult periods, we may come to recognize how those moments were necessary for us to make it to the consolation that we are currently experiencing, as well as how future tribulations can help lead us to a higher position. Still, that doesn’t help the fact that when we are going through troubles, we will still experience discomfort and a variety of negative emotions. However, scheduling moments of thanksgiving can help form a habit of gratitude, to counteract the tides of negativity. It comes down to giving thanks for the littlest of things. By reflecting on our desolation more frequently, we can learn to accept all things graciously and give of ourselves more generously.
Our innate negativity bias may seem like an immutable, predisposed position. But, whenever we are in the midst of a storm, it is only by passing through the wall of its eye (the toughest part of the tempest) that we can reach the center of peace. Therein, although the torrent may still be swirling around us, we can live with a joy in the present moment. But, how do we do this? By trying to see the good in our small difficulties, we can start to understand the good in the larger ones. Further, by turning to God and trusting Him in the small trials and choices in life, we can have faith in Him through the more significant struggles and decisions. Lastly, if we can learn to sacrifice in small ways everyday, it will be easier to give of ourselves in bigger ways, when we are called upon. By taking up these practices, we can slowly, but surely, start to shift our framework from a negativity bias into a preference for positivity.
