GOOD THINGS COMING TO AN END DEPT
Dad Jokes: Nursing Home Edition
Senile isn’t just a river in Egypt
Hey son, do you know what kind of fish those are in the pond in the lobby? Come on, don’t pretend like you don’t know! They’re orange. And have spots. Orangespotfish maybe?
The staff people here are really lazy. The nurses asked me if I made my bed. I told them no, you’re supposed to make it.
Remember when we used to go camping? What do you call those triangle things we used to sleep in? They were really exciting!
Do you know what time my dentist appointment is? 2:30? That’s kind of late in the day.
Will February March? I don’t know why I said that, it doesn’t really make sense. February is a month. Besides it’s April now. Then it’s May. When can I get the hell out of here?
The handyman came to my room to put up shelves. He used this thing called a studfinder on the wall to see where to hammer in the nails. That thing beeps really loud when it finds a stud. It’s very handy!
I hate eating in my bed. I went to the dining room downstairs to eat. They asked me if I have reservations. I said no. I’ll have to go find out how to do the reservations.
I remember I ate in the dining room when I first got here. The guy said “Hi I’m Joe, I’ll be your waiter today.” And I said, “Hi Joe, I’ll be your waiter today.” I don’t think that’s right though. I forgot what I wanted to eat anyway.
I told them to let me out because I had a meeting at the White House. They said surely you can’t be serious. I said don’t call me Shirley. Unless that’s my name. Is it my name? It sounds familiar somehow.
Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? I think he threw the remote out the window too. And I think he stole my teeth! He’s always messing with my things. Moron! I liked the other nurse better.
I’m hungry. What’s your name? No, really, what’s your name? Who are you? Why are you here? Can you get me some real food?
They say I was outstanding in my field. At least I was last night. I walked outside and nobody noticed. They said I was staring at the grass. I don’t know where my pants went.
My door is not a door. It’s just an open hole since they took my door away because I kept locking them out.
I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes open. It’s freaking everybody out.
You know, you were always so bright I used to call you “smart guy.” Do you remember that son?
