We’re going to need more wine
Drafty — Documenting my way to novelhood
To start this new project of documenting my journey to writing a novel (see last post), I need to set the record straight on a couple of points regarding my editor (aka my husband). First, his editor prowess is 100% fueled by wine. I honestly don’t know if this is how all editors work, but I think there’s at least a 97% chance they do. He likes to edit when he is relaxed, and despite my constant reminders of Hemingway’s advice (write drunk, edit sober) somehow he gets the fun part.
Second, I need to rename him from Shreditor to something more universally appealing. He likes Shreditor just fine, mostly because it’s an extremely accurate description, but I worry you’ll start to imagine him as The Shredder from TMNT. That would be only partially accurate, as my husband is not sinister, by which I mean, left-handed. Since we all know The Shredder is a south paw, I have decided to call him the Master Blaster instead. Ah never mind, let’s just call him J.
To give you a taste of the carefully thought out critiques I’m likely to receive during the course of writing my novel, I’ve collected some of J’s best and worst writing advice from my past projects.
I’m not going to insult you by telling you which critiques are useful and which are not. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out, clever as you are. And when you do, can you let me know?
In no particular order:
If you have to explain that something is funny, it’s not.
Your characters are not allowed to teleport unless they have a teleportation machine.
I am getting lost in your dialogue — in a bad way.
You need to have characters eat and pee in your book. Not at the same time though.
Don’t write twins into your story unless they are psychic.
Don’t assume your reader knows anything about obscure Iowa stuff.
These flashback scenes are killing me woman! Stop the madness!
No one knows what “gnathonize” means, not even you.
Readers will mostly ignore “he said” and “she said”, but it needs to be there so I know who the hell is talking.
I hope there’s a smokin’ sex scene later with these two people.
You need to get rid of this awkward sex scene.
Why! Are! There! Thousands! Of! Exclamation! Points! In! This! Paragraph!?
Their living room is boring.
Did you skip fifth grade English class? You mix your gerunds and your infinitives like a bad martini.
Who’s Jillian? All of a sudden she’s just there. Does she have a teleportation machine? Also, rename Jillian.
Can you write in a chupacabra somehow?
If I see the word “amazing” one more time I’m going to delete your manuscript from existence. Isn’t that amazing? Also noted — overuse of the words “good” and “nice”. These words are neither good or nice. Haha! I am funny.
Why do your characters notice when the sun is shining warmly, but somehow forget to mention all the other types of weather?
Seriously? No, seriously?
When you alluded to there being a “super-hot local band” that everyone was excited about, I was not expecting a mountain dulcimer trio.
Is this above my reading level or just really, really poorly written?
The cat cannot become the town’s mayor, even in this barely believable world.
Start all over.
(Anticipated future comment) I’m not sure Kenny Rogers should be in your novel.*
*Wrong! Next week’s post — I think I need legal permission from Kenny Rogers to include him in my novel.
Change of plans, Kenny will have to wait. Check out this awesome alternate topic: Characters First
If you like what you’ve read, please recommend so others can see it.
