Thank people while they’re still alive
Further reflections on thanking people each week on LinkedIn
Either side of lockdown I lost two industry peers that I was close to. Ofer Deshe and Bersi Kueper.
Ofer Deshe lost his life at sea while paddleboarding on holiday by himself. A week before I was due to meet with him. He had become more of a friend, as well as a client after we’d been industry peers, and competitors for many years.
Bersi Kueper lost her life, drowned, in a lake. She was one of the first people I mentored at LBi. We’d unfortunately lost contact over the years but were still connected to similar folk across the industry.
The death of both these people, encouraged an outpouring of appreciation through LinkedIn, Whatsapp and in various conversations beyond. And it also had a rather emotional effect on me.
As I write this now, I realise that I may have written something about this before. I check my Medium and find that I did.
Back in February 2023. That piece goes into more of the background and approach. Check it out here:
But essentially, I ended up in a bit of a spin wondering how much they knew how much they were appreciated. Had people told them? To their face? Or in a letter? Or a message?
I’ve struggled with a general gratitude practice before. Where I might appreciate everything good in my life, and keep it to myself. I would start and then I’d fall off the rhythm.
So for some reason, I felt like I’d do it publicly. Something about the public accountability could create the sort of pressure I needed to do it. Not that anyone would be waiting. But me thinking they might be, could increase the motivation.
And so it started. Every Friday evening, I’d sit in the pub near my kids’ soft play. I’d have about 55 minutes to order some food and a pint, and then write the post on LinkedIn. Before I had to collect the kids.
It worked. I’d create my ‘Friday Thanks’ almost every Friday evening. Tagging folk who I’d met, worked with or been inspired by that week. It could even be someone on a podcast that warmed up my dog walks.
I went through some motions doubting it…
Was I being too performative?
Showing off all the great people I know and meet with. All those wide-ranging topics and rich conversations.
Was I breaking confidentiality?
How could I not disclose client names, or break trust with folk I chatted to.
Would I mess up my Linkedin algo?
Most of my posts would exceed character count and often tagging count before I edited them down. And also posting on a Friday night doesn’t encourage the most views.
Was I being too shallow?
With such few characters per person, it was hard to really go into the details of what I appreciated, unlike if I was to feed back to them directly.
The value was greater than the doubt
But I realised I could get over most of these doubts for a few reasons:
- The value to me and the people just felt more important — I felt so good afterwards, and people often sent me notes of appreciation as well as comments on the post
- Others would find value in them and tell me about it in person when I chatted to them
- I wasn’t too fussed about the LinkedIn algo. If I wanted to game that system I’m sure I could. But this was meant to be genuine and heartfelt not brand building.
- I wouldn’t name my coachees or clients without permission to post publicly, and I’d be vague with the details
Regretting the lack of depth and more intimate thanks
The one thing I do still doubt, and I’m keen to work on more, is actually going deeper on what I appreciate from people. It’s something I’d hope for myself. I’m not a fan of the comments like ’that was a great talk’, or ‘I appreciate your vulnerability’. I generally want more specifics I can consider when building on what I do well and where I can improve.
But I appreciate how hard it is for people to explain how you made them feel. The impact you had on them. And how you may have helped them. Like with feedback generally, we’re not well practiced at it.
And even if I did carve out more of the time to do this with people I know how much I struggle expressing all the detail. And saying to their face. Something about it feels more vulnerable.
But I feel I do need to get better at it. And so I am going to try harder in the new year.
I’d like to still continue the broader, shallower public practice. But pair it with some more intimate thank yous where I can go into more depth.
Challenge set.
Who will you thank while they’re still alive?
It’s coming up to the end of another tough year for people. Many will be reflecting on how 2023 went. And how to move forwards in the best way possible.
I reckon that all those people would appreciate a little appreciation from you. Whether it is a face-to-face conversation, a call, a message, a letter or a public post on LinkedIn.
It might improve their day. It might encourage greater clarity on what matters to them. It might improve your relationship with them. It might make you feel better too.
I hope you don’t fret too much on how you will thank them. And just do something that works for you.
I’m pleased that my practice has inspired various friends and peers to do something similar. It almost feels as good thanking people directly to see other people being thanked in public.
Right now, I feel the world needs more of it.
This post is part of an advent calendar challenge I have set for myself. Writing and publishing one piece a day. Whatever emerges. Although sometimes I may work on an idea sparked on another day. An exercise in getting back into the writing groove. But also re-finding my voice. Lowering the barriers of my ego getting in the way of what might be valuable for others, or at least me.
You can check the other pieces here on the newly named ‘Eclectical’ Medium publication.
I am a coach, a product-service strategy consultant, a community connector and so many other things. You can find out more about me, my many interests and how to connect them with yours here.
