ABCD of Parenting
In depth understanding of parenting
Parenting is defined as the activity of bringing up a child. While sometimes parenting also includes the act of bearing a child, it is not necessarily to be restricted to physically or legally having a child. A parent is one who engages in the action of parenting. The goal of this article is to dive deeper into the foundations of parenting. Once we understand the foundations, we will be able to work on strengthening the pillars of parenting, in an effort to become better parents and also buttressing the bond with the child.
Here are the four columns on which the robust relationship with the child is build:
A — Awareness: Knowing the child
B — Building: Building life skills in a child
C — Correcting: Course Correction
D — Demonstrating: Showing Love
The four blades of the windmill spinning in conjunction and collaboration with each other helps the generation of the power that fuels good parenting and hence healthy relationship with the children.
Now, we will go into great detail for each of the four elements working in unity:
Awareness
We said this element was knowing the child. In fewer words, awareness is understanding the child. What do we mean by understanding the kid? As parents, we spend a significant amount of time correcting our children’s behavior. In pursuit of that, sometimes, we forget that there’s a veil that covers the person behind the behavior. With children, including the teens and tweens, there’s often a reason behind the action, even the wrong ones. Dr. Jane Nelsen says,
A child’s behavior, like the tip of the iceberg, is what you see. However, the hidden base of the iceberg (much larger than the tip) represents the belief behind the behavior, and the child’s deepest need for belonging and significance.
Watch the above video to hear directly from Dr. Nelsen on this topic. When we move the screen covering the person, the perspectives, ideas and thoughts, beliefs, there is more clarity on the root cause of the issues.
The understanding of the child stems from connecting with the kid. In order to connect with the child, we need to invest some time. Spending time with the child, while keeping the negativity bias at the door, and unscheduling correction for the duration, improves the understanding. When you know your child, you know if you need to correct or not. Not always is correction necessary. My own perspective on this is
Just because your answer isn’t what I expected doesn’t mean that it’s wrong
When parents don’t understand the child, the veiled image combined with the negativity bias creates a wedge in the relationship. The child lacks the sense of belonging and connection. This disconnect leads to more mis(guided)-behavior, creating a vicious cycle. Awareness is an important and primal step of the parenting fundamentals.
Building
The second and next important aspect of the parenting is building skills. Any human being is born with a few skills and all other abilities must be taught to the children. We all learn at different rates, and there will be some failures along the way. If we have the understanding of the child, then it becomes possible for the parent to
- Teach the child in a way the child will learn well
- Have the acceptance of failures
- Determine the reason behind the failures
- Elicit a plan of action to help move the progress
- Celebrate milestones along the way in a manner deemed appropriate
In a style similar to sculpting a statue, a parent is able to help shape the capabilities of the child and build skills needed for a successful life. If we were to attempting building the skills without the clear image of the person, then the intention becomes murky and hence the actions as well as the reactions turn to be unexpected. It’s very important to know the child’s personality, feelings and desires to determine what needs to be taught and when.
Correcting
The third element of the parenting foundation is course correction. As fellow humans, our children are going to have moments of getting off course. Of course, we need to be grounded in what this course is. In fact, that path should have the buy-in from the entire family. Both parents if available should be in sync and children too should be in agreement with rules of the house.
When we’ve determined that course correction is indeed needed, then we need to pay attention to the modus operandi of the actual correction. When we incorporate our understanding of our child into the act of correction, correction turns into love and kindness instead of criticism and nitpicking.
Discipline, a very misunderstood and probably misused word, merely means to train. The methodology we use in this training either fosters or hurts the relationship. I once heard a wonderful story of a single parent father whose teenaged so became a drug addict. The father didn’t have a strong connection with the child, strong enough to stop him. He regularly started visiting his son at his school during the lunch hour, requesting his son to join him for lunch at a nearby restaurant. Initially, the son refused, possibly even suspecting his motives. But the boy eventually started to go with him. Even when they had lunch, the father didn’t broach the topic until he knew that the connection was strong enough for him to do so. At the end of this segment of the real story, the child turned a new leaf. The point here isn’t the way the father approached the problem but his intention of building the bridge first to reach out to his son. Unless there’s a connection, any attempt to correct is merely a dissection of the other human and a huge disservice.
Demonstrating
The last and definitely not the least component of tetralogy of parenting is demonstrating the love. Every child longs for a sense of belonging, a display of love and affection, and the knowledge of having people who truly care. When these fundamental emotional needs aren’t satisfied, the child feels intense inarticulable dejection. Eventually, the child develops physical or mental (or both) issues. When we openly demonstrate affection in a way that the child understand it, the kid’s emotional account is filled. An emotional satisfied child tends to misbehave a lot lesser and also is able to avail of the help that the parents will be able to offer. The key for demonstrating love is doing it in a way that the kid will understand. If we were to display “love” in any other way, then the child doesn’t feel loved. Remember that this element is about the child knowing the love and not whether parents love the kid or not. Therefore, the language, the mode has to be something that resonates with the youngster. Again, the understanding comes into play!
Conclusion
Connection, understanding also known as awareness forms the foundation of the house called parenting. The pillars are the building of skills and course correction. The roof is the demonstration of love and affection. With these four sides, a strong construction becomes possible and a good parent becomes the indweller.
