Compassion in Parenting
A compassionate parent has a happy, healthy, grounded child
In my previous article, I discussed compassion in a general context. It stems from conviction, determination, and reason. Compassion, as we read, is possible at all times. And it is certainly possible in parenting. Yes, even when our children push our buttons, drive us crazy or are doing something wrong. But parents have a very unique job when it comes to compassion. Not only do we have to practice it, but we are also responsible for teaching it to our kids that they might then practice it in their lives. Hence, parents need to understand how to practice compassion and how to explain it to children. This requires a deeper understanding of the concept.
In this article, we will try to do just that — understand compassion as it pertains to the parent-child relationship. While this article focuses on parenting and that relationship, the elements can be actually applied as is or with some modification to other personal and even professional relationships.
If we were to look under the hood, we can see that
- there are some situations where the other person is right
- situations wherein they are wrong
- times when they are feeling emotions like sadness, anger, etc
- times when they are elated
- generic situations
We are going to take each of these cases, and analyze what are the possible compassionate acts we can do along with the acts that will not be kind. Here is an interactive poster detailing the points we are about to discuss.
Before we start off on the discussion, I want to segue a bit and talk about personal biases.
Personal biases
Personal biases are our inclination to lean a certain way on a given topic or situation. They range from seemingly small things like how certain items have to be kept to larger issues like politics or religion. Our personal biases make us behave the way we do in situations and to different people. While our own upbringing, culture, nationality, place of residence, exposure, education, ideology, and many other factors might have had a hand in shaping these biases, one thing is for sure — that all of us have personal biases. Some of us acknowledge the biases and this awareness helps those of us take the necessary action to ensure that these biases do not affect us or others. The acknowledgment leads to conscious change. Some of us deny that we have any biases and this lack of awareness possibly makes us more rigid. Our personal biases have a part in helping us discriminate between the right and the wrong, be it on our part or on others.
I do want to point out that personal biases are very different from core values. Core values are fundamental to our existence. Personal biases are layers rooted in core values but define how we sway, and how much we sway. Here’s an example to highlight the differences — say a core value of a person is faith in God. One personal bias of that person could be the tolerance towards others who might not share that core value. Now, core values are personal to a person, organization or entity and might be different from those of others. Finally, there are universal values that are common to all or most people in the world.
Why are we talking about biases, personal core values, and universal values here? I put the topics up here as we will be relying on their definitions later while we are discussing the five areas.
Agree Completely
In these situations, you have determined that the other person is doing something right. In fact, you agree with the way they are handling the situation and would have done or advised to do the same. Isn’t this the best possible scenario that we all wish we are in all the time? These situations also seem to be the place where most of us are compassionate. However, I do want to put out as a reiteration what is true compassion in these situations.
Appreciating the other person, and encouraging them would be compassionate acts. We should deter from labeling the person, as positive labels hurt as much as negative ones do. In the case of a parent-child relationship, the parent might want to consider using an appropriate physical touch to encourage the child. We should, however, understand and respect the child’s preferences about the touch. The same works and is applicable to some personal relationships as well.
Agree to disagree
In these situations, setting aside personal biases, and taking into account the collective core values (family values or community values), you have determined that what the other person is doing is correct. However, you wouldn’t have done the same. This is a “bite the lip” moment. An example would be the parents want the child to learn a particular instrument. The child doesn’t want to learn any instruments. Did the child deviate from the family values? I would argue that the child didn’t. But the parents may have a personal bias and hence this situation is a perfect “agree to disagree” situation.
Here, the appropriate way to show compassion is to accept the differences. It is definitely ok to even celebrate the differences. We as humans are different from each other and in our diversity, lies our strength. As parents (and in other relationships too), we are not looking to create clones but strongly grounded individuals who will be compassionate to everyone. With that objective in mind, we have to accept the differences. Following that, it would be easy to appreciate and encourage the other person. It is very important to remember that labeling (both positive and negative ones) isn’t a compassionate act at all.
Accountability & Ownership
From the lens of the collective core values or universal values, if the other person is wrong, then the compassionate thing to do would be to help the individual be accountable for their actions. If you are dealing with a young child, then you will also need to help the child correct their action. If your child is an adolescent, then you are a mentor and hence you should elicit the steps to correct the mistake, from the child. If your child or the other person is an adult, then you can’t correct or elicit. But at this point, it becomes necessary to still show compassion by exhibiting your awareness of the situation and preserving your boundaries. In the case of harm or hurt to others outside the relationship, it becomes important to take some hard decisions. For example, taking action to protect the others, and preventing the person from hurting themselves by hurting others (some call this Karma theory but regardless of the name, hurting others always empties one’s emotional bucket and thus hurt).
The key elements here are
- Correction should be preceded by a display of love in a way the child will understand. However, if the case is that of others outside the relationship getting hurt or harmed, then an open display of love might not be possible. After all, we are humans too. Hence, we could send unconditional love to the person. Note, that as humans, we might not be able to forgive immediately. Forgiveness is a process and it takes time.
- If you are correcting a child or helping a teen correct their mistake, then you will have to restore the connection with your child to ensure that the circle of connection, correction followed by connection is complete. Without connection, the child is left resentful, revengeful or might develop issues like low self-esteem, depression, or dejection.
- As humans, we all make mistakes. The right thing to do would be to apologize, correct and move on. But if we get caught in either the “I am right” or score-keeping modes, we are not open to accepting a genuine apology from the kid. But accepting a heartfelt apology is very important. Not only is it compassionate, but it also teaches the kid the importance of an apology. We can use touch (but appropriately) to confirm our support. One thing to point out here: kids learn the importance of apology from us — not by us forcing them to but role-modeling when we make a mistake. When we show them that we are correcting the mistake after the apology, they learn that empty apologizes seldom work.
- In the case of a child, if we send them away after a mistake, or punish them, the child doesn’t learn anything. The same thing goes with labeling. All these techniques lead to issues immediately or later in the child. For anyone, shunning or stonewalling or withdrawing doesn’t send a message of kindness. It is definitely emotional abuse when a kid is stonewalled. However, in the case of adults, when boundaries are violated, or actions cause more hurt and harm, or when the mistake is repeated more than an acceptable number of times, withdrawal and preservation of boundaries become the only way out and as we read, is the compassionate action to take.
Elated & Excited
If your child is going through easy emotions — happiness, excitement etc, and are elated about something, we think we can easily show compassion. The right way to show compassion in this case is to actively listen, and help the child stay in the moment for a bit longer. For example, if the child scored a goal in a soccer game, and came back to share the good news at home, being curious about what happened, and how the child felt, helps the child relive the moment another time. This way of listening extends the child’s easy emotions for a bit longer and also strengthens the emotional connection between the parent and the child.
Down & Mad
When someone is going through hard emotions, it is a call for help. Those of us who take the call feel empathetic or sympathetic about solving the problems for the person. However, it doesn’t help the person who’s struggling to handle emotions. In this case, the compassionate act would be to be present, to exhibit understanding, and accept their emotion. It is important to help them (especially young children) label their emotions, and limit their behavior. When we rush the process of expressing, and understanding emotions, the difficult emotions are fueled and can even turn towards us. Unlike the case of the easy emotions, compassion in these cases would be to help these emotions abate.
Conclusion
To practice compassion in parenting, the parent needs to have the explicit intention to show compassion, have the awareness of their own emotions, understand the child’s behavior (and thoughts behind the actions), and exhibit unconditional love.
