Kim Lures President With Shiny Toys
POTUS’ relationship with world leaders a 10. Kim? 11
June 9, 2018
One day after asking, “Do I really have to meet with those European fucks?” the President bailed on the G6 summit and flew to Singapore. German Chancellor Angela Merkel suggested POTUS left for the lure of “the big prize, the Nobel, which Kim dangles like a shiny jewel, or maybe a dog treat, every time the Big Orange thinks about backing out.”
The President, however, told reporters “I need the extra time to not prepare. Not preparing boosts my deal mojo.” Before he climbed into Air Force One, which he plated with 24 karat gold, he added, “Just so you know, however, I’d rate my relationship with world leaders a 10. Except for my relationship with Kim. That’s an 11.”
“I’d rate my relationship with world leaders a 10. Except for my relationship with Kim. That’s an 11.”
“A 10 on a scale of 20,000,” confided a confidential White House source. “That’s why he’s so eager to jerk off North Korea. Kim’s the one leader who knows how to play him. G6 leaders expect POTUS to behave like an adult. Kim promises shiny toys. The Big Letter is a perfect example.”
Opening the The Big Letter
White House sources say the President’s eyes lit when he saw The Big Letter from Kim which is why he told reporters they should see it (just before admitting he didn’t read it). The letter was actually a greeting card with the cover depicting a badly Photoshopped statue of 45 next to Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il at the Mansu Hill Grand Monument. The image of the Las Vegas Trump Hotel rises in the background.
The card also included a chocolate Nobel Peace Prize and a dozen Trump ecstasy pills. POTUS waffled for twenty minutes whether to eat the chocolate medal or display it in a glass case next to his nuclear football. He decided to save the glass case for his real Nobel and ate the chocolate facsimile in one bite.
Our source reported, “He thought the ecstasy pills were vitamins and threw them away. One of Kelly’s aides pulled them from the basket and we partied later that evening.”
“(POTUS) thought the ecstasy pills were vitamins and threw them away. One of Kelly’s aides pulled them from the basket and we partied later that evening.”
The President admitted to reporters he hadn’t read the letter, something he still hasn’t done. According to our source, Kim anticipated that he wouldn’t. The note inside the card said, “Since your illiterate dotard President won’t bother to read this because he’s lazy, or can’t read, or both, feel free to tell him this letter says whatever you think he wants to hear. You can tell him something different every time he brings it up because he’s too busy thinking about himself to pay attention.”
“Kim was right,” the source admitted. “Every time he waffles, we remind him the letter addressed the exact problem he’s worried about. He hears ‘Kim took care of that’ and ignores the rest because he’s too busy looking in his desk mirror.”
Bailing on allies with a photo opp
Presidential observers suspect the President finally agreed to attend the G6 Summit to create publicity, a suspicion confirmed when he skipped the morning sessions on trade to hold a press conference. It was during that conference the President announced he needed to leave the summit early to boost his “deal mojo.”
“You probably don’t know what mojo is, not being as smart as me, who has a double Ph.D. in business economics from Wharton, but mojo is the super power that lets me look into Kim’s eyes and know in a minute whether or not he’ll take the deal or run from the meeting like a whiny little bitch. Which he’s not, because he’s a great guy, by the way, a far better leader than the whiny little bitches in what should be the G8 but it’s not because they have no respect for a great man like Vladimir Putin, who’s a far better leader than them, which is why Russia has a far better economy than all of the so called G6 leaders put together. You may not know it but Russia gives more jobs to blacks, women and murdering Mexicans than any country in the world but us, which is why Kim will take the deal because he wants to help his fine people and Make Korea Great Again, which it never really was, great I mean, but let them have their little delusions until they sign in blood, which I require on all my contracts by the way, that they sign in blood to make sure they can’t back out because God strikes you dead when you back out on a contract you signed in blood.
“Russia gives more jobs to blacks, women and murdering Mexicans than any country in the world but us, which is why Kim will take the deal because he wants to help his fine people and Make Korea Great Again, which it never really was.”
“You may not know that,” he dragged on as usual, droning like a Scottish bagpipe blowing wind with no one at the mouth piece, “but it’s God’s truth, the evangelical Christian good God’s truth, not the terrorist Jihadi Moslem God, or the Atheists’ God, which is why I use blood I take from one of my assistants when I sign. Instead of my own blood. That allows me to pull out of deals and only face bankruptcy instead of God’s wrath. Speaking of bankruptcy, which I was speaking of, not you fake news morons, although I have no personal experience with bankruptcy having become the richest man in the world my first year out of Wharton, did you know America’s economy is stronger than its been since Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden when God wouldn’t give them a better deal than Democrats gave Americans in the history of democracy. America’s economy is better than it’s ever been, and our military too, absolutely unbeatable. We could win twenty wars at once with only half our planes and cruisers, but, of course, Obama and the Democrats reduced our military to a shell of it’s former self, a ghost military really, which is why I imposed a steel tariff on these European fucks that treat America like their five-year-old child, which we’re not.”
The President bubbled effusively about his “copatriot and copadre” Kim for fifteen minutes even though the North Korean dictator unilaterally extended summit invitations to the Chinese, Syrian President Bashar Al Asaad, Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and Iran’s Hassan Rouhani (whose nuclear treaty with the US, POTUS killed a few weeks ago).
When asked by reporters why he was skipping the G7’s afternoon sessions on the environment, he replied, “Let’s be honest. No one gives a shit about the environment. When my good Buddy Scott Pruitt gets done, we won’t even have one. So instead of crying over milk that will spill anyway, we should be talking about important things, like paving Africa to build more skyscrapers and Trump hotels, like the new Trump Hotel Pyonyang.”
“No one gives a shit about the environment. When my good Buddy Scott Pruitt gets done, we want even have one.”
POTUS then boarded Air Force One which flew away spewing toxic fumes into the environment because he had the pollution control devices removed.
When asked if they were considering the President for a Peace Prize, Committee Chair Berit Reiss-Andersen told Emphasis, “Is the Pope a lesbian, black Voodoo Priestess who sells cocaine to minors? The chances of that happening are a billion times greater than a Peace Prize for a trigger happy orange clown.”
Photo Credits:
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
