”Trumpxhaustion” added to dictionary
Condition joins “Covfefe” in White House linguistic canon
CNN reporter Jim Acosta collapsed during the middle of a Presidential press conference. The collapse occurred while Acosta pressed the President to explain whether he would hold the North Koreans to the same strict standards he held the Iranians.
After providing six conflicting answers, the President added, “We hold everyone to the same high standard, which is whatever standard we need to hold them to to get the best results for America and how good it looks on FOX News.” Acosta’s pants fell first and then he dropped into a stupor.
When the paramedics carried Acosta from the room, the President said, “Anyone who wears polka dot boxers deserves a career at CNN.”
That lack of sympathy by a sitting President may have contributed to Acosta’s condition, which Doctors have coined “Trumpxhaustion.” The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reported more than four dozen cases in April, a 1200 percent increase since the first case was reported in January. The word gained so much traction that the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) added it to the official lexicon.
Latest OED definition describes disease
The newest listing in the OED online reads:
Trumpxhaustion: /ˈtrʌmpɪɡˈzɔːstʃ(ə)n/
noun
- A state of extreme mental or physical tiredness brought about by listening to, thinking about or discussing United States President Donald Trump.
- The state of being used up until all that remains is an empty husk of a person brought about by listening to, thinking about or discussing United States President Donald Trump.
- A permanent comatose state brought about by listening to, thinking about or discussing United States President Donald Trump.
“The only thing the victims have in common is daily exposure to the President’s Tweets, speeches and press conferences,” admitted Dr. C.N. Cerne, CDC’s Director of Psychoneurotic Diseases. “To date we can verify 117 cases within the United States and thirty more beyond our borders. The most serious cases involve journalists, bloggers and political researchers.”
Just this week, three women at a New York diner lost their tempers when news broke of POTUS fondling Barbie dolls in the new Oval Office hot tub.[1] All three women were taken to emergency rooms later that evening exhibiting the symptoms.
Cerne added “the main symptom is total physical exhaustion. The patient can’t move even when conscious. Many fall comatose. Other symptoms vary but often include weight loss, high blood pressure and even the loss of teeth.”
“The main symptom is total physical exhaustion. The patient can’t move even when conscious. Many fall comatose. Other symptoms vary but often include weight loss, high blood pressure and even the loss of teeth.”
Acosta’s doctors confirm that he lost forty-five pounds and three teeth covering the White House. He lost so much hair, he purchased a toupee. “Better than the President’s I might add,” said his attending physician. “And he makes peanuts to the President’s dollar.”
For once, a truly historic moment for President
Trumpxhaustion’s inclusion marks the first time one person has been credited (or blamed) for the introduction of two new words in the same calendar year. Last May, the President introduced the word “Covfefe” in a Tweet and the OED added it before the end of June.
According to OED editor Stefanie Nerdlinguist, “Once the Stedman’s and Taber’s medical dictionaries included the term, we knew it would only be a matter of time before it entered the layperson’s vocabulary. Given that Trumpxhaustion is a serious medical condition that more people are contracting daily, adding the term was a no-brainer.”
Ironically, no-brainer may be the perfect description for the disease. Dr. Hope Holding, head of neurology at John Hopkins, reported that, “Studies of Trumpxhaustion indicate the human brain shrinks the longer the exposure to Presidential speeches and teleconferences. We’ve measured brain shrinkage in the double digits in more serious cases.”
“Studies of Trumpxhaustion indicate the human brain shrinks the longer the exposure to Presidential speeches and teleconferences. We’ve measured brain shrinkage in the double digits in more serious cases.”
Trumpxhaustion attacks the hypothalamus, the part of the brain that regulates energy and stamina. The more prolonged (and intense) the exposure to the President, the more severe the damage. In many cases, the hypothalamus is squeezed to a fraction of its size and pushed into other regions of the brain.
Holding added that the President’s supporters don’t suffer the condition. “I’m not saying they’re not affected. Many have shown brain shrinkage up to fifty percent. But something in the President’s speeches triggers the lateral septum, or the rage center of supporters’ brains. Their rage protects them from Trumpxhaustion. At least for now.”
Unlike Covfefe, which enjoyed a month of popularity and faded from public consciousness,[2] Trumpxhaustion threatens to become better known than Ebola and Marburg. “Not nearly as deadly,” Holding admitted, “although sufferers may wish it were.”
[1]: More accurately, Stormy Daniels lookalike dolls.
[2]: So much so that the OED may remove it from the 2019 edition.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
