I Am Not Alone: Yosemite (Part Two)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Read Part One here.
Vernal Falls via the Mist Trail
Okay, don’t panic, I tell myself. Thinking rationally for a minute, I figure that heading back down is not an option.
Climbing down this path will be scarier and this path is one way only, dum dum. Taking deep breaths, I let the dread die down. Remember what your friend told you, Prachi, “Take your own time”. I fixate my gaze on a next set of steps and decide on a target where I want to reach. A few steps at a time along with a corner for me to stand. Repeating this several times, I am able to cover some distance. This may work out after all.
Fighting my instinct to hide under a rock, I have somehow managed to reach the last set of treacherous rocks to climb to the top of the Vernal falls. I can see the end. But visually, this stretch of the hike seems the most difficult. The path is extremely narrow, slippery and sits on a ledge which means I can see how deep the valley is. I take a few extra moments to prepare myself mentally. I am ready get down on all fours if I have to.
I don’t know if it’s the fatigue or a mental block but halfway through the climb, I decide to stop. I am scared to move at all and can’t find the strength to go on. I know I can’t look away from the ground because I will, inevitably, look down on the valley. I fixate my gaze on my hands which are holding on the ground now. I, then, notice that there is a small line of people forming behind me waiting to get up. Usually, they would have just overtaken me but this path is too narrow to do that.
To my surprise, I hear something incredible. You can do this!!!
How do these people have more faith in my abilities than I do?
One step at a time, I think and decide to move. The rest is a blur but I find that I am standing on solid, flat ground overlooking the falls. The realization of fact that I have made it to the top and the stress of holding back my fear along the way are finding a way out. I am crying loudly and shamelessly. It’s my moment celebrating an achievement. I am also greeted by a couple of people who were supporting me back on the trail. I sit down, exhausted and overwhelmed.
Nevada Falls via the Mist Trail
I spend a good hour at the top clicking pictures, eating, and hydrating. I can’t explain this feeling but after months of enduring feeling of loss of control, I have been able to achieve something, to finish what I started. There’s a sense of empowerment. I am actually looking forward to the downward journey.
I come across a fork in the road with one road leading me back to the base and another leading to Nevada falls. I figure it’s less than two miles to the top of the falls and even if it’s exactly like the climb till now, I can do it! After all, I was able to this climb.
Never equate the length of the hike with it’s difficulty level.
The illusion of empowerment is real.
Thinking that I’m not going to let some two mile stretch of land faze me, I take the road leading me on the scariest journey of my life (up until that point). My legs feel strong and can still support the climb. Unlike the trail up until now, this one starts off with a slight uphill walk. I start feeling good about taking this on. Big Mistake.
When the climb really starts, I begin noticing that there’s no railing on the side for support. There is nothing between me and the ground but the ground itself. The climb is strenuous and adrenalin takes over. I am surely on auto pilot.
Hugging several boulders along the way for moral and literal support, I reach the top of the Nevada falls. The climb is a blur but I remember a few moments. These moments are filled with kindness shown by complete strangers towards another fellow distressed human. I may not have been able to vocalize my gratitude in that moment but to all those who stopped to ensure I was doing okay: THANK YOU!
Thank you to the group of teenage, fearless girls who offered to make me a fourth member of their team
Thank you to the group of international tourists who were only there by happenstance but still decided to check up on me
Thank you to the amazing and trained hikers on the route who motivated me to keep going and offered helpful tips
Thank you to that one random person who I was following when there was supposedly no one else on the trail. You never gave up which made me didn’t want to give up.
Thank you to the people on the top who recognized me and offered words of encouragement
Finally, thank you to everyone along the way who offered a kind smile and a heartwarming story
The End
The view from top of the falls is indescribable but more so as I sit there watching myself.
I feel nothing. I exist and that is enough.
This imaginary race that I have been a part of all my life has has torn me apart. Though I wasn’t necessarily competing against anyone but myself, I always wanted to do better than what I had done. One extra award, one extra promotion, one extra accolade, never stopping. And when I couldn’t, I got scared and shut down convincing myself that retreating is not an option.
Fear is a strong emotion and when it takes over, it blocks your mind from processing critical details. I could have never visualized what this climb has meant for me. I could have never prepared myself to face my fears in a way which provided no escape. Yet, here I am, doing exactly that.
Having exhausted all of my anxiety on the climb up, I numbingly start my journey back to the base.
Utterly tired, I bathe, eat and sleep that night knowing that I am not the sum of all my failures. I am more than that. I don’t want to conquer the world but I occupy space on this earth. I will not deny myself the right to live my life how I want to, doing what makes me happy.
The rest of the days at Yosemite are full of adventures and laughter. I seem to have broken my shell of self doubt. I am laughing fuller than before and enjoying every minute of this experience. I spend my last two days driving through Kings Canyon and Sequoia National Parks and head back home to San Francisco with a resolve.
I want to travel full-time.
