111, 1111, 11:11
I see the numbers 111, or 1111 a lot. Be it addresses, the time, a phone number, a url… the list goes on. I never used to take notice. Coincidence, I thought. Maybe they are, but I don’t know if I believe in coincidence.
For a while, though, I’ve been trying to take notice as to what that sign is trying to show me. What am I thinking when I see it? What am I hearing? Seeing? Feeling? I try to write down what’s happening in that moment, but usually I forget.
Last week I was having a particularly terrible day. I won’t go into details but what transpired had me feeling hopeless, alone, and like I didn’t want to exist. On top of that, I was forced to walk part way home due to busses not running for whatever reason. I was a complete mess walking down the sidewalk, cradling my jacket and trying not to cry. Didn’t want the passerby’s to see.
I hadn’t seen 1111 in a while. I’d forgotten about it. But on that day, walking home, I looked up from the concrete beneath my feet just once, to see this.
Despite the fact that I was immensely upset, I laughed out loud. Was this some kind of cruel joke? Did the universe think it was funny, taunting me when I didn’t think I could stand on my own two feet? At that moment I felt defeated. Even the universe had given up on me, telling me to just get it over with already.
I hadn’t thought about it since that day. I locked it away, after snapping that picture, and forced myself to not think about it. Besides, I had more troubling things to deal with.
Today I stumbled across this brilliant man’s website, and slipped into Moments of Lucidity. Wow! I’m absorbing it up like a sponge, trying to take as much of it in as I can. I got to 111 and laughed again. It’s a good observation that pretty much sums up all of my issues. (Probably anyone's, right?)
The power of conditioning is enormous. Once we have been programmed to believe, we defend beliefs as if they are who we are.
As if they are who we are.
DAMN.
It reminded me of that Funeral Home, and how I instantly thought of the negative. I immediately sunk into my familiar thoughts and feelings, even though they are like daggers stabbing at my brain, I strangely turn to them for comfort. It’s what I know. It’s what I am.
NOT.
I CAN change this! I can change myself and reset myself and make things right. I don’t have to follow the same line I always have. I can be the real me. I can just be me. But man, is it going to take a lot of work! I’m both excited and scared, but I know this is necessary for me to survive. I’m only 29. I’ve got some time!
Thank you, arthur, for such great inspirations.
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