I am not depressed. I have depression.

Up until recently, I’ve been fighting it all on my own. For years, no treatments and no therapy. I had no idea depression wasn’t always an illness. I had no idea I didn’t have to take medications for the rest of my life, though I did try this with no success.

I figured, “this is how I am, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sick, and if the medicine doesn’t work, what will?”

I often read how there’s no cure for depression, only treatment. And every time I saw that, I took it to heart and believed it. I believed I was a lost cause, because I thought medicine was the only way. How could you treat an illness without medication?

A little over a year ago, I met a guy. And he was perfect. Everything I ever wanted my knight in shining armor to be. He did it all. Held doors open for me, bought all our meals, made me breakfast in bed. I was smothering in a love that I had never felt before, and everything seemed perfect for once.

I felt happy.

But of course the honeymoon phase wore off and my demons emerged, to wreak havoc on my unsuspecting Knight, leaving him worn and confused. He started to see I had little control over my own emotions and thoughts, and even though he still never gave up on me, I knew deep down that if I didn’t make a change, I would lose him. And more importantly, if I didn’t make a change, I would never find myself.

I started reading more, learning more. Not just about depression. About everything. The world, the people, the universe. I started watching video explanations of science theories, I started to see things from a different light. A new light. And I liked what I saw.

Except…

Here’s the crazy thing about knowledge for me. The more I learn, the more I know, the more I realize. And these realizations aren’t always the greatest. My mind works by taking the most insignificant worry, and blowing it out of proportion — times a million. Something as simple as someone looking at me a certain way can set it off, and I’m sent into a spiraling pit of sadness, despair, anger, negativity.

In the span of 3 months, I ended up in the hospital 3 times for depressive episodes. Major life changes combined with my mind expanding was more than I could handle. I kept thinking, with all I know about the universe, what’s the point?

But now I knew I wasn’t doomed to live out my life alone, in the darkness of my mind. I could change my thoughts. Change the way I react. Change my entire self. All I had to do was do it.

Easy, right?

In theory, heck yeah. Easy as pie! In practice, I have never done anything harder in my life.

My journey to rewire my brain has just begun, and I know it’s going to be a long and hard trek, but for once in my life, I am ready. I’m ready to take control and be who I was meant to be. I’m ready to be free of my demons, and seek out my angels. I am ready to live my life.

Let the battle continue!

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