People confuse the way I talk. They take me as condescending. As irritated or angry.

I'm pretty terrible at conversations. It's one of my biggest weaknesses. With a severe lack of social interaction growing up, the effects are still rippling through my life today.

I'm so bad at keeping eye contact, and when I do, it feels so forced I want to die. Smiling is just as sketchy. I have to actively tell myself to smile.

Focus. Smile. Listen. Smile. Look at them. Smile. Wait, what did they say? I have no idea anymore.

And then there's those awkward conversations where I have no idea what to say in response but I try to sound convincing and it comes off as rude or disrespectful. When in reality I'm just really unsure of myself and the whole encounter.

I automatically sink into my head when someone is talking to me. Hell, I'll do it before they even approach me! I'll anticipate them talking to me, try to decide what they'll say and how I'll reply before they've even looked my way! And by the slim chance they do speak to me? It never goes how I planned. Never.

Yet I continue to do this.

It’s not like I don’t recognize the problem. I’m in my head so much, I’m beginning to see nothing but problems. But it’s all about how I use it in practice. I can tell myself every night when I tuck myself into bed — "I have a problem and I’m going to fix it!" — but if I don’t practice in my daily life, it’s pointless.

So how do I go about making it known that, hey, I'm not the huge jerk you seem to think I am. I'm not choosing to have a certain tone with you to portray some hidden annoyance. I'm just trying to communicate the best way I know how. And with time, I'll get better.

It's just a matter of lasting through enough conversations to get there.

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