A quick summary of Spicer’s Press Conference — Feb 9, 2017
Donald Defines Reality Edition
Since Donald and his minions do nothing but lie, it’s really not healthy to listen to them. I am willing to make that sacrifice though, and summarize/fact check their announcements for you.
- The Department of Justice will launch an all out war aimed at eliminating voting rights and targeting People of Color as well as Muslims.
- There will be a fast tracked system for punishing citizens who resist police oppression, with less oversight
- A taskforce on how the entire government can be more authoritarian
- A taskforce on how we can more efficiently strip the rights from people of color in their communities
- We’re going to ramp up the War on Drugs using 80’s style tactics
- We’re going to be collecting much more data on people
- A method for quickly deporting people without oversight and punishing any who help them or resist the regime
- Way less safety and environmental regulations for planes. We’ll also find some way to give the CEO’s money
- Donald talked to Afghanistan and Qatar, we’ll let you know shortly if there are any new wars started
- Donald met with Republicans and Traitor Democrats who are willing to install his SCOTUS pick despite his attacks on the independence of the judiciary
- Donald will be making some money off the suffering of native people by forcing the Dakota Access Pipeline across their lands
- Donald will be taking PM Abe down to Mar-A-Lago so he can easily funnel more money to himself
- Donald is trying to claim credit for President Obama’s economy, because everything Donald does is terrible.
Q: Some Consumer Financial Protection Bureau bureaucrats make more money than members of Congress. Any plans to change that and should he be able to fire the head?
Spicer: He’ll respect taxpayer dollars
(Complete lie. He wastes them on keeping his wife in NY. Taking a lot of time off to loaf around in Florida. Also he funnels it to himself. He doesn’t give a shit about saving other peoples money.)
Q: Kellyanne Conway unethically promoted Trump’s brands
Spicer: She’s been counselled. There will be no accountability.
Q: Donald expressed doubts to Putin about the New START treaty. Should we expect that to be a sign of things to come with that?
Spicer: I refuse to tell you anything
Q: Vladimir Kara-Murza, a Russian opposition figure and filmmaker was poisoned, as Putin tends to do with his critics. Will Donald speak out against Putin or what happened?
Spicer: Nope
Q: Donald said that there would be business tax breaks, but that individual tax cuts would take longer. What’s the plan there?
Spicer: Donald’s working on something. You’ll see it eventually. We need to jam this through without Dem support because it’s going to be nothing but tax breaks for the super rich while ignoring everyone else. There’s no way we’ll be able to get them on-board unless we can jam it through without allowing a filibuster. So it might have to wait until the 2018 budget reconciliation
Q: Donald said we’re bogged down in combat, where was he referring to?
Spicer: ISIS. The hotspots around the country. There’s the middle east. There’s northern Africa. We have to monitor everything.
Q: But where are we bogged down?
Spicer: I gave you an answer!
(Sean doesn’t understand what “bogged down” means.)
Q: What are Donald’s plans in relation to the future US relationship with China?
Spicer: China is important to the US. Donald talks about *GINA* all the time. No, I won’t give you any details beyond that.
Q: The top US commander in Afghanistan wanted a few thousand more troops. Will Donald send them?
Spicer: Donald hasn’t talked to anyone about that. He has no clue how the military should work. He’s waiting to hear from President Bannon.
Q: Does Donald stand by Gorsuch after Gorsuch’s comments about him?
Spicer: Yes. Next question.
Q: Given what Gorsuch said about his opinion related to attacks on the judiciary, does Donald realize he was wrong?
Spicer: NO! DONALD HAS NO REGRETS! EVERYTHING HE DOES IS PERFECT! SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH
Q: With the case of Guadalupe Garcia; an undocumented American who was working, raising two kids with her husband and regularly checking in with ICE. She’s being deported. How much of the focus will be on hard working families who are an important part of the community?
Spicer: Yeah, we don’t want to talk about that. That case shows how evil what we’re doing is.
Q: Donald said Blumenthal was lying about Gorsuch’s comments, however Blumenthal wasn’t. Why did Donald lie about that?
Spicer: Donald is claiming that Gorsuch’s comment about criticizing judiciary didn’t have anything to do with Donald’s criticisms of the judiciary.
Q: But . . .
Spicer: I DON’T CARE WHAT REALITY IS! DONALD HAS PROCLAIMED THAT THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENED! SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH TOO!
Q: Is he taking those comments to heart?
Spicer: THE JUDGE WASN’T TALKING ABOUT DONALD! DONALD IS FUCKING PERFECT! DONALD HAS PROCLAIMED WHAT REALITY IS AND YOU WILL FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. DONALD IS A PATRIOTIC HERO FOR ATTACKING THE INSTITUTION OF THE JUDICIARY! IT’S PRESIDENT OBAMA’S FAULT SO SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN DIRTY LYING MOUTHS!
Q: How can you claim something that is so false?
Spicer: DONALD IS IN CHARGE NOW! DONALD DEFINES REALITY! HEIL DONALD!
Q: You understand that it makes no sense, right?
Spicer: I AM NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE GODDAMN QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS!
Q: But we have serious questions here
Spicer: DONALD CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS! WHY WEREN’T YOU GETTING MAD 100 YEARS AGO HUH? DONALD JUST CARES SO MUCH! HE CARES SO MUCH THAT NONE OF YOU GET RIGHTS ANYMORE. SUBMIT TO MEIN FUHRER!!! SUBMIT!!!! HEIL MEIN FUHRER!!!!!
Q: Why will Donald talk so much about Nordstrom but not the terrorist attack by a Trump supporter in Quebec?
Spicer: DONALD DID MAKE A STATEMENT! I DON’T CARE IF YOU NEVER SAW IT! I SAID SOMETHING! DONALD DOESN’T NEED TO TALK! STOP FUCKING QUESTIONING US!
Q: Donald and the Republicans whined about Executive Orders written by President Obama, why is Donald using so many now?
Spicer: EVERYONE LOVES DONALD’S EXECUTIVE ORDERS. WE JUST DIDN’T LIKE PRESIDENT OBAMA! EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES DONALD! COMPLETE BIPARTISAN SUPPORT FOR DONALD!
Q: But why won’t he work with Congress?
Spicer: He’s GOING TO! JEEZ! HE IS JUST SO DAMN BIPARTISAN!
Q: Is Donald going to do the ACA removal and tax breaks at the same time?
Spicer: No, ACA in 2017. Taxes in 2018. We need there to be no chance of a filibuster, because these are going to be fucking awful for everyone
Q: Does Donald have a tax plan? Has he bothered to talk to anyone?
Spicer: He’s talked to people in Congress! No answer beyond that!
Q: Does Donald plan to balance the budget without entitlement reform?
Spicer: Donald is planning on bringing in more money by cutting taxes for the rich and business and hope this magically means we’ll have more money for tons of spending. This is a dude who has had 6 bankruptcies. He is really bad at this shit. He has no idea how revenue or expenses work. He’s just used to his Daddy or Republicans in Congress bailing him out when he spends everything he can get his hands on
No comment!
SPICER OUT MOTHERFUCKS!
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