7 Future Reviews of Inevitable Trump Films
It’s hard to believe, but we actually make it out of this thing alive. Well, mostly. And, like all grand tragedies, it will only be a matter of time before the filmmakers descend on the “The Most Awful Generation” with their cameras. Our resident movie critic breaks down the rash of films about our rash of a presidency.
MacTrump
A mostly faithful recreation of Shakespeare’s seminal play, famous for the contentious choice to replace MacBeth’s wife with his daughter, Lady Ivanka MacTrump (a never-better Kristin Wiig). After meeting the three witches — Steve Bannon, Vladimir Putin, and Kellyanne Conway — in what he believed was an abandoned Chuck-e-Cheese, the future “king” quickly ascends the throne, only to be cut down by his own son Baron. Major points for sticking to the text of the original play (choosing Baron as usurper, who was born in a sterile Eastern-European lab environment, is particularly inspired), but loses some goodwill thanks to a misguided fast-food tie-in.
Starring: 10 Dead Tabby Cats in a Suit As Trump, Kristin Wiig as Ivanka, That Kid from Stranger Things as Baron, Three Dilapidated Chuck-e-Cheese animatronics as the 3 Witches: Putin, Bannon, and Conway
The Afterbirth of a Nation
The first and only Donnie Trump Jr. Biopic. Lasts half a weekend in theaters thanks to a singular positive review on Yelp written by Erik Trump, who just wants to know if Donnie will play Monopoly with him, pleeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee.
Starring: Michael Cera as Erik Trump, Christian Bale as Donnie Jr, A Traffic Cone Left on a Hot Stove as Trump
Alien Vs. Predator Vs. The Alt-Right
Many bemoaned the fact that the pulpy sci-fi series decided to get political in it’s later years, right up until the moment a chest-burster in an anti-fa hoodie pops out of Chris Cantwell’s pasty chest. It would go one to bust numerous box office records on it’s way to becoming THE crowd-pleasing holiday hit of 2022.
Starring The Real Alt-Right as themselves, Alien McAlienster as Alien, and Steve Bannon as Predator.
My Two Pence
Sweeping the 2045 Academy Awards, My Two Pence is a prestigious, heart-wrenching drama about the age-old conflict between a man’s head and his groin. Taking place after Mark Pence, Mike’s identical twin, was literally found in a White House closet, My Two Pence follows the dual Vice Presidents as they try and figure our what they actually stand for. James Franco famously cloned himself to take on the title role, culminating in the famous “Locker Room Talk” scene where our Pences try, and fail, to come off as “two of the boys.” Highly recommended, though complete lack of women (even having men play women’s roles) hasn’t aged well.
Starring: James Franco as Pence, James Franco Jr as Pence, TJ Miller as Donald Trump, A middle-aged ferret as Steve Mnuchin, Dennis Leary as Kellyane Conway, Jared Leto as Betsy DeVos, and Mike Myers as whoever Pences’ wife is.
Poor(us) — A Documentary
128 straight minutes of extreme close-ups of The Donald’s oily skin and hair. While it gets oddly compelling around minute 47, coinciding with the 2018’s Great Self-Tanning Screw-Up, it’s not until the end — when the real president was nothing more than a literal skin puppet used to “placate the base” — that the endurance-testing gambit really pays off. It’s not easy to watch, but neither was the real presidency. Can you say, Oscar?
Directed by the re-animated corpse of Werner Herzog
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Sean Spicer
An oft-heatwarming and comedic tale of a 45 year old man child trying to navigate the beguiling world of politics, bullies, and talking good. While some will balk at Tom Cruise in the lead role, he perfectly captures the strangely magnetic duality of Mr. Spicer — pitiable, yet punch-able. The scene where a downtrodden Spicer realizes that he will never get his first period, despite Sarah Huckabee Sander’s promises, may be the cinematic moment of 2035.
Starring Tom Cruise as Sean Spicer, Jonah Hill as Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the Silhouette of a Rapidly Deflating Hot Air Balloon as Trump
All Hail the Glorious Worm Lords
While cinematic output during the Great Worming may be spotty, at best,this critic has a special place in his heart for the early masterpieces of Lord Xorbax. Though a bit clunky at times(there are a LOT of slow-motion, soft-focus shots of butterfly), part of the charm of watching the worms burrow into the brain of Donald Trump is knowing that they, like us, were just figuring it out as they went, man.
Starring the Worm Hive as Everyone, and/or Donald Trump as Himself
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Nick Geisler is a writer and videographer out of LA, GA, and Upstate NY. Like, waayyyyyy upstate. Follow him here: https://www.facebook.com/nickgeislerwriter/
