What To Do With Trump’s $4,000 Raise?

So. Sarah. Nice of you to ask. Since this is a B.S. non-estimate that is based on the theory that giving tax breaks to the rich translates into money magically appearing in middle-class pockets…. these are the options I’m currently looking at:

1. I would ask for that money in advance, since you’re estimating $4k over 8 years and per current market and reality indicators the apocalypse will happen within 2.
2. Pay the journalists/economists that will explain how that “raise” is not a thing.
3. Buy 1/573th of a Republican representative (or a Democrat, let’s be honest here).
4. Pay the first two installments of hospital stay cost while I make arrangements to flee the country.
5. Invest it all in a Shangai Stock Exchange index.
6. Pay green card costs for any social democrat willing to move to the States. If they don’t know anyone here I will commit to hang out with them for at least 5 years. We’ll do fun stuff, like join a sci-fi reading group, finish at least one NaNoWriMo, start a post-rock band [potential name: Adam Smith’s Invisible Band], lobby for better public transport and not go to any wine-tasting events. None. After those 5 years they will apply for citizenship and finally be able to vote in a federal election. See if we can turn this ship around.
   As for my foreign social democrat friends, we will probably part ways as New York City is simply the prelude to people scattering to the infinite winds. We’ll forever treasure the memories of our time together and will regularly comment on each others’ Instagram posts. But sadly, when we migrate onto whatever the next social media trend is some of us will lose touch. When society inevitably collapses, past friendships will occupy only a very small corner of our minds, one we try to shut out in order to properly scavenge at shuttered Wallgreens and 7-Elevens.
   Yet one day, as you survey the severed landscape ahead you see a small convoy about to enter your valley, your territory. You approach the leader to demand that he either pay tribute or best you in hand-to-hand combat. His torn clothes and lean body prove the convoy has little left to give you, but your heart has grown cold. You show no mercy. The only remaining choice is battle. Though he is a better fighter than you expected, he’s still no match for you (ever since you found that stash of old multivitamins you are unbeatable). You smell victory as your hands close around his throat, when suddenly, a flicker in his eyes gives place to an instant recognition. “Giuseppe?”, you say, “Giuseppe Manfredi?”. And just like that, you are friends again.
7. Contribute to a GoFundMe kicking off single-payer healthcare.

—

If you enjoyed this you might like some of my other pieces. These seemed to be popular:

• Spicer Resigns To Spend More Time With Props,
• Job Prospects For The Mooch,
• Stephen Miller Inaugurates The Antiheroic Epic,
• Furniture Resigns From Trump’s Manufacturing Council
• Protecting White People from Affirmative Action Is Not Enough,
• 4 Other Places Where David Brooks’ Friend Got Uncomfortable,