We are a perfect match

We are a perfect match to wound each other, to trigger the hell out of each other. Is weird, but is true. Is like this: we have matching wounds.

I read a nice description of how we humans construct our Dream and hurt each other in our relationships. Our skin is covered with emotional wounds filled with emotional poison — anger, envy, jealousy. Fear is what governs our life — can you imagine moving around covered with infected wounds, afraid of not being touched? But love is so strong that we do reach out, open up and allow ourselves to be touched. And of course, that will hurt. And the rule is that the more we open up, the more we hurt.

The fun part about this process, at least from my experience, is that my wounds and his wounds are perfect match. My behavior, who I am, seems to be perfect for touching his deepest wounds. His behavior and who he is seems to do the same for me. And the result is a kind of a ping pong match between us where we engage in the same combination of matching wounds over and over again, regardless of the context of the fight.

We talk about a serious topic. I get into my academic mind and start exploring the topic systematic and yes, using some difficult words, exploring different facets and asking for conceptual clarity. It is just how I am. He engages in discussion but at some point he looks out the window, sees two pigeons and interrupts the discussion because the two pigeons. I feel pain and the thought comes up: “See? He’s not listening to you, he’s ignoring what you have to say, your ideas and what you have to say are not important for him”. Or, I see him getting agitated and he says “Lets stop, this is too complicated, too much for me”. I feel pain and the thought comes up: “See? You cant sound too intelligent and competent, he doesn't like that”.

I tell him “Your behavior makes me feel hurt”. He gets defensive “We can always talk about whatever but these pigeons are here only now, in this moment”. I think that this is just some excuse to divert the discussion and actually the issue is that “See? You cant sound too intelligent and competent, he doesn’t like that”. I feel even more distressed because deep down there is that belief that as a woman I cant be too competent because men will feel threatened and will not like that and as a result they will leave me. Competence and love in my head, somewhere deep down, are incompatible. At least for women.

Last we participated in an Encounter week for couples. We wrote a lot of love letters and read them aloud to each other. If you try that it is really weird: just try that once, take 10 minutes to write a love letter to your partner about the ways they make your life more beautiful and then read it out loud. To them. First of all, when you write, you use different ways to express yourself (maybe you use a metaphor or two) so when we read the letters it felt really weird, I though that I sounded like a wacko.

Second, all that vulnerability. To admit that they do things that positively impact your life, it felt so raw and vulnerable that it made me feel uncomfortable. My body tensed like under threat, and I found myself feeling apprehensive. It felt like admitting that he has some kind of power over me, the power to hurt me. I used to think that to be honest about my feelings and to express them openly is a weakness. Experiencing the tension in my body and the apprehension during that retreat showed me that the belief still resides inside of me, even though it has lost much of its power.

The level of openness and honesty during that retreat was incredible. We could share about our wounds and we could listen to each other. And yes, he has a deep-seated belief that he is not smart enough. Which gets touched when I am just being me and talking like me. His reaction to stop the discussion is natural — he wants to protect himself from the pain of that wound being touched. Which in turn touches my wound.

I fell in love with a partner whose wounds are most sensitive to me just being me and whose reactions in turn touch on my most sensitive wounds. It is really funny if you come to think about, a kind of a cosmic joke. Matching wounds. So yea, welcome to Samsara my dear B., let’s investigate together all the ways we can hurt each other by just being ourselves.