Are Two Mothers Better Than One?
My biological children are blessed to call my husband’s second wife their mother.
I didn’t want to wait till mother’s day to write this post and wanted it to be the first post I write this year. Had I not accepted the support and help of another woman, who also happens to be a soulmate to both my husband and I, I would not be here writing stories for the world to read today.
Being born in a conservative Islamic patriarchal nation made me like women more than men. In our part of the world, women rely on other women for household chores like watching children or calling out to the maternal mother next door when a child is bitterly ill. The man of the house must and should not be worried about such menial tasks.
Five years ago, my life completely changed when my husband Ishaan brought home another wife for himself. Had I been financially independent and able to support my two children from him on my own, I would have had other options. But this was not the case, and I accepted an alternative to myself in the house.
It isn’t easy feeling second-hand, but when one does not have another option, it is best to accept what is coming with an optimistic outlook towards life. I tried to look at the positives. My Islamic in-laws were not like other in-laws in Pakistan. I could drive, go out shopping with my friends, and attend dance classes. I did not have to be bothered about cooking for the whole family every day. We had part-time servants to swab and dust, and cut the vegetables, for mealtime. I had someone to leave the two children with when I had beauty appointments.
I could not afford this type of lifestyle had I retaliated and not accepted Ishaan’s want for another woman in life. While Islam gives a free hand to the man to bring in and support up to four wives, the woman must live under his thumb. Had I a man who would support me and the children, I could not have walked out without a divorce. A woman cannot simultaneously bear children from two men, and that is why she cannot have more than one husband. But my husband could do the same if he was financially supporting his old and new family.
I wish I would have studied and made myself a little independent when I did have the time and the energy, but with two children under 7, my plate was full and hands tied. Instead of creating a rant and spoiling the environment of the house, I trained my heart to love Ishaan even more. I started to find happiness in his passions, and his passion, from the very beginning, were women. I thought that this would change after we were married, but neither a man, nor society, ever changes.
Getting used to my polygamous household
A monogamous lifestyle is what is accepted in most parts of the world because people are closed-minded and want to accept and teach their children what is normal. I did not grow up in a polygamous household, but my father had a second wife elsewhere. He did not dare to mingle his two families together, but when this accident happened, instead of fighting with my father’s second wife, my mother used her womanly strength to manage her own problems.
She taught me that all a woman needed in life was another woman. Yes, women are jealous of each other. But they are also naturally more emotional and can be moulded. All one needed was a little time.
My father had secretly married and had a family without telling my mother, but Ishaan and I had a very trusting relationship. When he told me that he had had sex with our junior from college and that she was pregnant, I was angry at first, but more aware of the fact that I am completely dependent on him — both emotionally and financially. I knew that I would not be able to find a more liberal husband, and so I made myself a liberal wife.
Don’t let society tell you how to live your life
I used this opportunity to welcome Ishaan’s love into my heart and my home. Unfortunately, Saskia, his second love had a miscarriage. Our polygamous household was functioning okay. Now, instead of believing that men could love only one woman at a time, Ishaan had proved to me that he could love two women, and treat them both equally. I do not know if Saskia feels the same, but I became the more important woman after she came to the house, or at least, this is how I felt.
If my husband could love two women at the same time and they could adjust together in the same household, why could two children not be raised better with two mothers instead of one? When Saskia couldn’t conceive, I encouraged her to make my children hers.
It takes a village they say. The village was right here at home. All I had to do was loosen the leash a little bit and trust that my husband’s second wife could do a job better than me. This is a challenge for any mother and was also one for me, but I decided to follow my mother’s advice and mould Saskia into the best mother she could be to my kids.
Why are two mothers better than one?
Having two mothers for my children blessed me with peace of mind and security every time I went on errands. Life is uncertain and if I happened to not come back, my kids had another woman to give them the same love and support I could. Yes, their father would always be there, but the love of a mother is incomparable and irreplaceable with that of a father.
Many people in the west hire an au-pair to help with the children and the household. I have read horrific stories of men who sometimes waver and marry the babysitter instead. Here, my husband’s lover was living with us. She was eager and ready to learn to step into her new shoes. She was willing to shrivel up her feet to fit right into them.
Saskia’s trust and willingness to be Ishaan’s best second mate led to my victory. She was there for our family unconditionally, at all times. She was young, but also practical. She knew that she was new to the family and had to adjust just like a new employee needs to stay quiet for the first six months of his tenure. But like a new employee, she knew she could not leave when she found another job. Being a mother is a lifelong bond.
Instead of getting jealous and shoving away the help of my husband’s second wife, I decided to make her mouldable character my strength. Doing this helped me experience things I could never have, had I not toned down my maternal instinct. Had I not accepted the strength of another woman in my house, I would not have earned a cent from my writing or been able to locate the confident woman in me.
Every mother has the strength to let go. Yes, the bond of a mother with her child is irreplaceable and strong, but she deserves to loosen the leash when the time is right. We all give our kids control of their lives when they are 16 or 17 and go off to college. Why not do this beforehand. If you are willing to let in another woman in your life and help you with the children, you will find her. Maybe she is right there but you have been too blind to see her.
Motherhood is very very hard work. It comes with its own pressures and responsibility. It is being there for your child when he does well in class and also being there for him when he is addicted to drugs. It is being there for your daughter when she tells you that the father of her unborn child will not accept her, and also being there for your son when he comes home telling you is gay. It is being able to advise your children if they should accept a second partner in the house.
I have let my husband’s second partner share my load of motherhood. My children today love both their mothers equally. When one of their mothers leaves the house, the other one is almost always unconditionally there. This is what I call peace of mind.
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