I kept thinking: “If he would just change this one thing, everything would be better.”

And later on: “Maybe we’re not as compatible as I thought…”

It turns out, this is completely normal.

We’re taught that relationships either “work” or they don’t. That if things feel hard, you probably picked the wrong person.

But according to Dr. Susan Campbell, relationships are supposed to get hard because growth is hard. Difficulty is not a sign that something’s wrong. It’s a normal relationship developmental stage you have to move through.

Turns out relationships aren’t supposed to make us happy forever…they’re supposed to help us grow.

Campbell studied hundreds of couples and identified three predictable stages that every couple goes through: Romantic, Power Struggle, and Mature Love.

The Power Struggle is the hardest stage. You start noticing – and being annoyed AF – at certain things about your partner that you didn’t notice before. There’s a lot of conflict and many couples start to question whether they chose the right person.

This stage sucks, but it’s also the make it or break it of every good relationship. Every couple enters the Power Struggle stage, but most never leave it. They get stuck there forever constantly fighting, quietly resenting, keeping score. You know exactly who I’m talking about.

Great relationships learn how to move, or rather grow, through it.

In this article, I’ll share what the Power Struggle is and why it happens. Part 2 (coming out in a few weeks) covers how to move through it, because working through this stage is the only way to reach Mature Love.

The Three Stages of Relationships

Campbell’s three stages can be summed up to:

• Romance sees only the good.
• Power Struggle sees mostly the bad.
• Mature Love holds both without needing to fix either.

Think of them like developmental stages. Just like a teenager has to get through adolescence to become an adult, you have to get through the Power Struggle to reach Mature Love. You can’t skip it. You have to move through it.

Below is a breakdown of all three.

Stage 1: Romantic Love (also known as the honeymoon stage)

Feels like: OMG, we’re like the same person!

Key theme: Similarities.

You notice everything you have in common and minimize the differences. Romance brings out your best selves – you glow, you’re kinder, more open, more accepting. Your partner can do no wrong. You’re blinded by how perfect they seem.

Goals: Get them to like you. Convince yourself they’re “the one.”

Biggest trap: Dishonesty – both with yourself and your partner.

• You hide parts of yourself because letting them see the real you might scare them off.
• You overlook red flags because acknowledging them might mean they’re not perfect.

Bottom line: They’re amazing, and the parts that aren’t perfect? Those will change.

What triggers the shift to the next stage? Usually when permanence enters the picture, such as moving in together, getting married, having kids.

Stage 2: The Power Struggle – The Hardest One

Feels like: I never realized that about him and it’s annoying AF

Key theme: Differences (and the fact that he won’t change)

Reality arrives. The differences that seemed charming now feel like problems. The very traits you were most attracted to become the traits that you find the most annoying. The “spontaneous free spirit” feels childish and irresponsible. The “stable rock” feels boring. The “passionate emotionally available partner” is exhausting.

You start noticing all the ways your partner isn’t who you thought they were, or hoped they’d become. This is where most couples get stuck.

The power struggle is where you fight to be right, to win, to change your partner back into the person YOU thought they were in the beginning. But here’s the catch: they ARE that person. You just didn’t see them fully. They haven’t changed– your perception has.

Biggest trap: Believing the relationship is broken because conflict exists. Most people assume fighting means something is fundamentally wrong. So you either work harder to change your partner, or you wonder if you chose the wrong person. But conflict isn’t the problem. How you navigate it is.

Bottom line: They’re not who I thought, and I’m exhausted trying to fix this.

Stage 3: Mature Love

Feels like: We’re different, and that’s ok // I know what’s mine. I know what’s yours. Now we choose each other anyway.

Key theme: Acceptance and interdependence

This is where the relationship finally grows up. You stop trying to change your partner and start genuinely accepting them — not in a resigned “I guess this is as good as it gets” way, but in real appreciation for who they actually are.

You can disagree, even intensely, and still feel secure. You’ve learned to repair after fights, ask for what you need, and let your partner be a separate person without it feeling like a threat.

Biggest trap: Complacency. Once you reach this stage, it’s tempting to think the work is done. But mature love requires ongoing attention and effort. You can easily slip back into power struggle patterns if you stop being intentional about how you relate to each other.

Bottom line: We’re both whole people who choose to be together. The relationship is something we actively create, not something that just happens to us.

A few important things to know:

Relationship stages are not strictly linear — you can slip back. Even couples in Mature Love will find themselves back in Power Struggle patterns during stressful periods: a new baby, job loss, illness. The difference is they recognize what’s happening and have tools to work through it.

Sometimes the answer is to leave. Not every relationship should make it to Mature Love. If there’s abuse, contempt, or a fundamental incompatibility in values or life goals, the healthiest choice might be to end things. These stages aren’t about forcing a relationship to work — they’re about knowing the difference between “this is hard because growth is hard” and “this is hard because we shouldn’t be together.”

The Truth About The Power Struggle Phase

Every relationship will inevitably enter the Power Struggle stage. Here are three things to know:

• It’s inevitable. No long-term relationship escapes it. Look around — every couple you know is probably somewhere in this stage right now.
• It’s the price of real intimacy. Very few make it to Mature Love, and that’s not because they chose the wrong person. It’s because growth is hard and navigating the Power Struggle requires skills most of us were never taught.

So what do most couples do when they hit the Power Struggle stage?

• Most divorce. They assume conflict means they chose wrong and leave – not realizing this stage is supposed to happen. But you can’t outrun your own patterns. The same dynamic often shows up in the next relationship (which may be why the divorce rate for second marriages is over 60%).
• Some stay but flatline. They stop fighting, but they also stop connecting. They’ve given up on real intimacy but stay for the kids, the mortgage, the fear of starting over. They criticize, they keep score, they exist in parallel lives.
• A rare few do the work – and make it to Mature Love. They recognize this stage is supposed to happen — it’s not a sign of failure, it’s a developmental necessity.

The difference? Skills. The couples who make it aren’t the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who learn to fight differently – and stop fighting reality.

So Why Does The Power Struggle Happen?

The power struggle doesn’t happen because you chose wrong. It happens because you chose well – in a very specific, unconscious way.

You chose someone who felt both familiar and promising.

Relationship therapist Harville Hendrix calls this the imago match: we’re drawn to partners who embody both what we longed for growing up (warmth, attunement, safety) and what wounded us (criticism, distance, unpredictability).

In other words, we fall in love with a pattern. We choose someone who is familiar enough to feel safe (like home) and different enough to feel like growth, and heal our past traumas.

This template is electric. But it’s also destabilizing. It activates both our past and our potential. When we resist that activation, we fight.

This is what Campbell means when she says the Power Struggle is designed for your growth. The triggers are the curriculum.

Here’s how that works.

1. We choose what feels familiar

We’re unconsciously drawn to people who feel emotionally familiar – specifically, people who activate the same emotional patterns we experienced growing up.

Your nervous system recognizes certain emotional rhythms as “home.”

• Maybe home was calm
• Maybe home was chaotic
• Maybe love meant closeness
• Maybe love meant walking on eggshells

Whatever your early blueprint was, your system learned: This is what intimacy feels like.

Not because you want pain. But because familiar feels predictable, and predictable feels safe.

As Terry Real says, “You marry your unfinished business.”

When your partner’s stress feels like your dad’s stress, or when their withdrawal feels like something you’ve felt before, that’s not random.

That’s your nervous system saying: this feels familiar.

2. We also choose what feels like hope and growth

But we don’t only choose familiarity. We also choose someone who seems to have what we lack.

• If you grew up feeling unseen, you’re drawn to emotional openness
• If you grew up in chaos, you’re drawn to stability
• If you over-function, you’re drawn to ease
• If you suppress yourself, you’re drawn to ambition

In Stage 1, this feels incredible.

• Their authenticity feels freeing
• Their stability feels grounding
• Their intensity feels passionate

It feels like healing, and in some ways it is. But here’s the catch: the same qualities that feel like relief in Stage 1 become the source of your biggest conflicts in Stage 2.

3. Enter the power struggle

When the Power Struggle begins, two things are happening at the same time:

The familiar traits reopen old wounds.

You chose someone who felt familiar because part of you hoped this time the story would end differently. That’s the repair fantasy: if I can love someone like this and it goes well, it will fix what hurt before.

But when your partner triggers those same emotional patterns, your reaction isn’t just about the present moment. It’s activating old childhood wounds and reactions. You hoped their love would change how you feel inside, but those wounds were formed long before them.

Hendrix gives this example: a man grew up with a mother who was emotionally unavailable – warm sometimes, distant others, never quite there. As an adult, he falls for a woman who is independent, self-contained, a little mysterious. In Stage 1, he experiences her independence as attractive and exciting.

In Stage 2, she comes home distracted after a hard day at work and goes quiet. She’s not rejecting him. She’s just tired.

But his nervous system doesn’t know that. It feels exactly like his mother going distant. And suddenly he’s not a grown man reacting to his partner’s bad day, he’s a seven-year-old who doesn’t know if he did something wrong.

He pushes for connection. She pulls back further. He escalates. She shuts down.

Neither of them is being unreasonable. But they’re not really fighting with each other. They’re fighting with ghosts.

Your partner can support your healing, but they can’t do it for you. At some point, recognizing the ghost is your work.

The positive (hope) traits flip into threats.

Here’s where it gets confusing. Even their strengths start to irritate you.

Take authenticity. In Stage 1, you fell for someone genuinely, unapologetically themselves. No performance, no people-pleasing. It felt like relief.

It also made you feel safe to be yourself. If they weren’t faking it, you didn’t have to either.

In Stage 2, that same authenticity starts to cost you something. Your partner struggles with small talk and doesn’t warm up easily in groups. They’re not willing to fake connection they don’t feel, which means sometimes they don’t connect at all. You find yourself anxious before social events, embarrassed in the middle of them, frustrated on the way home.

But here’s the thing: they didn’t change. You just got close enough to feel the full weight of the whole package.

The trait didn’t suddenly become a flaw. It was always both things at once — the quality that drew you in and the quality that would eventually cost you something. You just couldn’t see the cost yet because you were too busy experiencing the relief.

There’s a shadow side to every strength and it can drive you f*ing crazy.

That’s when control shows up: “If you would just do X, I could finally relax.”

You’re not trying to change your partner because they’re wrong. You’re trying to regulate an old wound through their behavior. And it never works, because the wound predates them.

Every strength comes with a shadow. Every partner comes with a cost. And once you’re close enough to feel that cost, you have a choice: accept the full human in front of you, or fight reality.

The Power Struggle is what happens when you stop dating the highlight reel and start living with the whole person.

The real question: Did I choose the wrong person?

Nobody says it out loud. But everyone thinks it.

When the Power Struggle hits, it doesn’t feel like “development.” It feels like doubt.

We expect relationships to be easier, and when they’re not, we immediately think we chose the wrong person. Trust me, I’ve been there. And it feels very rational, very calm.

But then I read about the difference between discomfort and incompatibility:

• Discomfort is: I don’t like how this makes me feel. I feel annoyed, exposed, unsettled.
• Incompatibility is: We don’t share core values. I don’t respect them. I don’t feel safe. We want fundamentally different lives.

They’re not the same thing, though they can often feel the same.

The question isn’t “am I annoyed?” Of course you are sometimes. The real questions are: Do I respect this person? Do I feel safe? Are our values aligned? Are we both willing to grow?

If yes, you didn’t choose wrong. You chose a real person and now you’re learning how to love them. And it’s hard because growth is hard.

Conclusion: What We’ve Learned About Relationship Stages

If you’re in the Power Struggle right now, here’s the hard truth: knowing why it happens doesn’t get you out of it.

Understanding the imago match, the repair fantasy, the shadow side of every strength is useful, but just knowing won’t change the dynamic. You can understand exactly why you’re fighting and still have the same fight on Tuesday night.

What actually moves the needle is learning to fight differently. And that starts with recognizing the pattern that’s running underneath most Power Struggle conflicts, one that Hendrix, Campbell, and Terry Real all point to as the engine of the whole thing.

In Part 2, we’ll get into exactly that: the specific dynamic that keeps couples stuck, why it escalates so predictably, and the concrete tools to start breaking the cycle.

A few months ago I was feeling uninspired and, well, bored. Someone recommended Gay Hendricks’ The Big Leap and his idea of the Zone of Genius.

The book is oddly structured, but the core idea stuck with me: we often feel bored or uninspired because we spend too much time outside our Zone of Genius.

Hendricks says that everything we do falls into one of four zones:

• Zone of Incompetence (things you’re not good at),
• Zone of Competence (things you can do fine, but others could do just as well),
• Zone of Excellence (things you’re really good at and often rewarded for, but that slowly drain you),
• And finally, the Zone of Genius (the rare overlap between what you’re great at and what gives you energy).

The big unlock here is energy.

Most of us over-index on competence. We think, “I’m good at this, so I should keep doing it,” and forget to ask: does this actually give me energy, or does it drain me?

That’s why this framework resonated with me. It’s not about “finding your passion” or “your one big life’s calling” (I still don’t know what that means). It’s about noticing the specific activities you do in a day and identifying which ones both use your strengths and light you up.

Because energy doesn’t just feel good , it creates momentum.

The more Genius activities you choose, the more energy you generate, and that energy fuels even more Genius activities. It’s a positive-feedback loop.

Because we’re always making choices about how to spend our time. Every yes and no is a decision about which zone we’re operating in. The more often we choose Genius activities, the better our days feel.

Think of this as a systems approach to passion. Instead of waiting for one big life calling, you design your days to double down on the activities you’re both good at and energized by.

My four main takeaways:

1. Genius = competence + energy. It’s not just what you’re good at, but what gives you energy.
2. Small shifts compound — and create energy momentum. You don’t need to spend all your time in Genius. Just 5% more is enough. Because energy creates more energy, and life starts to feel a lot better.
3. Excellence is the trap. Most people get stuck here. It looks like success on the outside but feels exhausting on the inside. Don’t confuse it with Genius.
4. Resistance is part of the process. Procrastination, self-doubt, and even sabotage show up when you’re stretching into Genius. That friction is a sign you’re on track.

The question isn’t “How do I redesign my whole life around my Genius?” It’s smaller: How can I spend just 5% more time there?

Over time, those small, repeatable shifts build energy momentum, creating more fulfillment, and joy, not from chasing one big passion, but from choosing it moment by moment.

So let’s break it down. What exactly is the Zone of Genius, and how do you find yours?

What is Your Zone of Genius?

In The Big Leap, Hendricks asks us to think about the things we do in our lives (mostly professionally, but also in other areas) and categorise them in four ways.

At the most basic level it’s the idea that:

Our day is filled with things that we do. For example, as a marketeer, my day is comprised of:

All of these things can be categorized in four ways, four Zones. You spend your life going between these different zones.

The reality: Most of the things you do every day fall outside your Zone of Genius.

The more things you do that fall in your Zone of Genius, the more energized, fulfilled, and successful you’ll be.

The goal isn’t to spend 100% of your life in your Zone of Genius (real life requires answering emails, and attending meetings).

The goal is much simpler: what would happen if you increased the time you spent in your Zone of Genius by just 5%?

The Different Zones

At the core, the zones are defined by two dimensions:

• Competence — how good you are at something
• Energy — whether it fuels you or drains you (how does it make you feel?)

Most of us optimize for competence. We build careers around what we’re good at, but skill alone doesn’t guarantee fulfillment. You can be excellent at something and still feel drained by it.

That’s why energy is the real unlock. Instead of chasing “passion,” notice how activities feel: does time fly or drag? Do you finish energized or depleted? Those are the signals that tell you whether you’re in your Zone of Genius or stuck somewhere else.

Here’s how the four zones break down:

1. Zone of Incompetence

• Competence: (LOW) Tasks you’re simply not good at and others can do them much better
• Energy: (LOW) Frustrating, draining, time-consuming
• Key insight: Staying here wastes energy and time, because you’re fighting against your own weaknesses.
• Example: For some, it might be fixing tech issues, bookkeeping, or detailed admin work.

2. Zone of Competence

• Competence: (MEDIUM) Things you can do fairly well, but others can do just as well (or better).
• Energy: (NEUTRAL) Not terrible, not energizing.
• Key insight: It’s easy to get stuck here because you’re “fine” at it, but it doesn’t differentiate you. Outsourcing or delegating is often smart.
• Example: Responding to routine emails, basic project management, standard reports.

3. Zone of Excellence

• Competence: (HIGH) Skills you’ve mastered and often get rewarded or recognized for. You’re highly effective here.
• Energy: (MEDIUM) Comfortable, safe, sometimes even lucrative, but not deeply fulfilling.
• Example: A corporate job you’re very good at, but secretly leaves you feeling flat.
• Key insight: The biggest trap. Many people stay here because it feels secure, but it blocks them from reaching their highest potential.

4. Zone of Genius

• What it is: The work you are uniquely gifted to do, that both uses your natural talents and brings you energy, joy, and meaning.
• How it feels: Effortless, playful, energizing. Time seems to flow.
• Example: Creative problem-solving, storytelling, vision-setting, or whatever makes you lose track of time and feel most alive.
• Key insight: Living here requires courage because you have to leave behind comfort (the Zone of Excellence) and embrace vulnerability, risk, and expansion.

The key distinction:

• Zone of Excellence: Gives success, but drains you
• Zone of Genius: Gives success and energy

The difference isn’t just how these zones feel, it’s the effect they have over time. Excellence slowly depletes momentum; Genius creates it. The more energy you gain, the more capacity you have to keep creating, connecting, and expanding. That’s how energy momentum works.

Finding Your Zone of Genius

Finding your Zone of Genius isn’t about chasing a single grand “purpose.” It’s about paying attention and getting curious about where your natural abilities intersect with energy and joy.

Here’s a simple process to start:

Step 1: Ask Wonder Questions

Gay Hendricks suggests beginning with reflective prompts he calls Wonder Questions. I use them in my Morning Pages practice: I set a timer for ten minutes and write whatever comes up.

• What am I world-class at?
• What activities give me the most energy?
• What is my genius, and how can I bring it to my work, my family, my community?

These aren’t one-time questions. They’re meant to guide you again and again.

Step 2: List Your Competence

Write down the activities you’re good at. These are things people rely on you for, or areas where you’ve built real mastery.

Step 3: Run the Energy Test

Next to each item, ask:

• After two hours of this, do I feel tired but accomplished? → Zone of Excellence.
• Or do I feel energized and wanting more? → Zone of Genius.

Your Genius lives at the overlap: things you’re good at and that give you energy.

Step 4: Do an Energy Audit

Look back at your calendar from the past two weeks. For each activity, ask:

• Did this give me energy? (green zone)
• Did this drain me? (red zone)

Important: There are no neutrals in his framework. Every hour must be marked one way or the other. If you’re unsure, count it as draining.

Step 5: Adjust by 5%

Notice where you can replace a draining task with something from your Genius list. The goal isn’t 100%. It’s to spend just 5% more of your time in the Zone of Genius.

That’s the nature of energy momentum, the more energy you create, the more you have to invest. Small gains multiply, because energy fuels clarity, confidence, and creativity.

Matt Mochary, one of the top executive coaches in the world, known for working with leaders of companies like Coinbase, OpenAI, and Stripe, encourages his clients to spend 80% of their time in the energy-giving (green) zone. That’s the long-term benchmark.

Hacking Resistance and the Upper Limit Program

Now, here’s the really annoying part: it’s not like you figure out your Zone of Genius and suddenly you’re thrilled to do more of it.

No, no.

We sabotage the shit out of ourselves. I don’t fully understand why, something about being comfortable with comfort, scared of ease, allergic to change.

• Expectation: I’m happy! Life is awesome! Can’t wait to do more “Zone of Genius” stuff!
• Reality: I suck. I have nothing to write about. What should I make for dinner tomorrow? Ooh a cat.

Ironically, resistance shows up right when your energy momentum starts building. It’s your system’s way of slamming the brakes the moment life starts feeling too good, too effortless.

Hendricks calls this the Upper Limit Problem, the invisible ceiling we hit when we begin to experience more love, creativity, or success than our nervous system is used to. We panic and unconsciously pull the handbrake: we procrastinate, overthink, pick fights, get sick, or bury ourselves in busyness.

Writing this article is in my Zone of Genius, and yet I face resistance every single time I sit down to write. My brain offers all the usual excuses: I’m tired. I should check email first. I have nothing new to say. Every time.

And yet, if I just start. If I push through and override my brain, even for five minutes, I’m able to get into flow. The resistance dissolves.

That’s the paradox: resistance isn’t a sign you’re off track; it’s proof you’re expanding.

Bottom line: we’re weird. We want to be happy, but also… we kind of don’t. I don’t get it either.

So how do you hack resistance?

That’s where the 5% rule comes in. You don’t need to write a book or reinvent your career. You just need to spend the next ten minutes doing something you’re good at that gives you energy. That’s it.

Resistance, upper limits — whatever you call it — it’s always there. Breathe through it. Keep going. The choice is simple: do the thing, or stay where you are.

Your Zone of Genius Beyond Work

The Zone of Genius isn’t just for work. Once you start noticing energy patterns, you realize they show up everywhere, in how you spend time with your partner, your kids, your friends.

Lately, I’ve started asking myself the same questions outside of work: What gives me energy here? What drains it?

With friends, my Zone of Genius shows up in small, intimate gatherings where I can connect one-on-one, not in big events filled with noise and small talk. With my son, it’s when we’re outside making art together, fully engaged in the moment.

It’s the same principle: notice what feels light and alive, and do 5% more of that.

This isn’t about perfection or turning everything into a self-improvement project. It’s about awareness, choosing more of what fuels connection and less of what quietly depletes it.

Because once you start noticing where your energy expands and where it contracts, you begin to design your life around what actually gives you life.

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

“Mild success can be explainable by skills and labor. Wild success is attributable to variance.” — Nassim Taleb

This post is inspired by an excellent article called The Great Online Game, written by Packy McCormick, and several posts on luck written by Naval Ravikant and Marc Andreessen, here and here.

A few years ago, I started writing for 30 minutes every morning. My only goal was to consistently write about things that interest me. I posted my work on Medium to keep myself accountable.

One day I wrote a post on Adult Development (I had read about the concept in a book and decided to dig deeper). Medium shared it on their Facebook page and suddenly it had over 350k views, and I started getting strange emails — emails from people I had never met asking me to join their podcast or consult with them on psychology (I’m not a psychologist, nor have any training, though I sometimes forget this).

A few days later, I got an email from the CEO of a design company asking me to ghost-write a book on design. I ended up writing a few posts and loved it.

What just happened here? How did I go from writing a post on Medium about psychology to getting paid to write about design?

Call it luck, serendipity, chance, whatever you want to call it. *I call it luck here.

To access the most interesting opportunities — the ones that can completely change your life in ways you never imagined — hard work isn’t enough.

You need luck.

Luck opens you up to wacky and wonderful opportunities that you never thought were possible.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was optimizing for luck by doing what Packy calls “Playing the Great Online Game.” Putting myself out there on the internet and reaping the lucky rewards.

In today’s turbulent economy, we could all use a bit more luck. Yet, most of us don’t spend enough time cultivating luck in our day-to-day lives.

By the end of this post, I hope you’re excited to create more luck in your life.

What is luck?

Luck is the creative interaction between:

You need both of these to be lucky. However, I’m assuming that if you’re reading this you’ve already invested heavily in your skills and talent.

So let’s focus on increasing your luck by increasing the number of awesome opportunities in your life.

But not just any awesome opportunities, the goal is to increase the number of awesome opportunities that are a great fit for your skills, interests, and values.

The more awesome “great fit” opportunities you’re exposed to, the luckier you are, and the more awesome your life will be.

So how do you access more of these opportunities?

How to increase your luck — i.e. the quantity and quality of awesome opportunities

Naval Ravikant shares four main ways to increase the number of opportunities in your life. I’m focusing on two (shipping & unique luck). You can read about the rest here.

First, focus on quantity. Increase the number of awesome opportunities that may or may not be a great fit for you.

1. Always be shipping — generate luck through motion

“Chance opportunities are a numbers game. The more people and perspectives in your sphere of reference, the more likely good insights and opportunities will combine.” — Richard Wiseman, The Luck Factor

Do something. Have a bias for action, or what Seth Godin calls, shipping (to publish and put something out into the world). This isn’t only about shipping work, it’s also about bringing yourself to the world (showing up at the events, etc.).

The goal of shipping is to increase the number of creative interactions between yourself and your work, and the world. The sheer act of shipping‘ stirs up the pot’, and brings in random people and ideas that will collide and stick together in fresh combinations.

And, most importantly, it creates luck momentum and gets you excited to do and create more.

Yet, most people spend too much time thinking about and trying to create something perfect (like the ‘perfect personal brand’), and not enough time getting it out into the world.

• Creating — Doing the work, writing the article, creating the strategy, etc.
• Shipping — Publishing, executing, pressing “Send” or “Submit”

I didn’t realize it at the time, but this is what I was doing when I started posting on Medium. I was creating a habit of shipping — of writing and publishing stuff. Not perfect stuff that completely embodied who I am and what I believe in — but stuff that interested me. And this stuff ended up exposing me to some wacky and wonderful opportunities that I never thought were possible.

In short, you increase your luck by becoming a shipping machine — being equally comfortable shipping your work as you are creating it. Shipping is a powerful concept. Once you get it and apply it, it will change your life.

Second, increase the quality of these opportunities to ensure they fit your interests, desires, and values.

1. Create unique luck (aka personal branding)

If luck through shipping increases the number of opportunities you’re exposed to, unique luck increases the quality of these opportunities.

Unique luck is when luck comes to you, unsought, because of who you are and how you behave. It’s the result of cultivating a unique personal brand and sharing it with the world.

Unique luck is closely related to Luck from Motion except that here it’s not just about shipping for shipping sake — it’s not about random motion.

It’s about shipping things that are uniquely you, and that have a distinctive personal flavor. And, even more specifically, ship in areas and domains that you want to be in. This will increase the ‘fit’ of the opportunities you attract.

Now you may be thinking that increasing your ‘unique luck’ sounds a lot like personal branding. That’s because it is. The only difference is the framing.

And framing is everything — especially when it comes to:

1. Motivation — it’s about increasing luck

If you’re anything like me, building a personal brand makes you want to die a bit inside. But increasing your (and other people’s) luck, well that feels good. It’s what motivated me to write this piece.

And I hope this new framing will motivate you to share your work with the world.

2. Perfectionism — always be shipping

Most people spend too much time trying to create the perfect personal brand, and not enough time sharing their work with the world.

That’s why the concept of first creating more luck through shipping is so important.

First, focus on increasing your luck by consistently shipping (post articles, finish projects, attend random events). Over time you’ll start finding your authentic voice and personality and generate more unique luck.

Your luck exponentially increases when you consistently ship things that are authentic and valuable.

Increase your luck, play the game

Now that you know a bit about luck, I want to make it easier for you to share yourself and your work with the world. This is where Packy’s post on The Great Online Game really helped me.

Here’s how to play:

1. Realize you’re playing a game

We’re all playing The Great Online Game. The Great Online Game is played concurrently by billions of people, online, as themselves, with real-world consequences.

How well we play determines the rewards we get, online and offline.

And this game is exponential instead of linear. The opportunities are endless.

Basically, if you have any online presence, you’re already playing the game. Might as well get better at it.

2. Score some points — collect free lottery tickets

“[In the Great Online Game] every tweet is a free lottery ticket. That’s a big unlock.”

This is my favorite point. Every new interaction (online and offline) is a free lottery ticket — you never know where it may lead you.

From now on, think about how you can add more luck lottery tickets to your jar every day.

Some examples include:

• Responding to a comment on LinkedIn
• Sharing your desires (new job, new girlfriend, etc.) with a new group of people
• Going to the networking happy hour

Disclaimer: I’m not saying always choose the option that will increase your luck.

I am saying: make more decisions that will increase luck and serendipity in your life. It’s not just about increasing your professional opportunities — luck comes in all forms.

2. Play as yourself

“You can escape competition through authenticity when you realize that no one can compete with you on being you.”

That would have been useless advice pre-internet. Post-internet, you can turn that into a career.” — Naval Ravikant

As Packy writes, in an open world like the internet, the more you signal who you are and what you care about, the more you open yourself up to new possibilities, i.e. increase your luck.

Focus on sharing your unique, weird self with the world.

3. Don’t trip

This is all a game. When in doubt, just do the thing. Leave that comment, post that article, whatever. As Packy writes below, you never know what this can lead to:

Your financial and psychological well-being is at stake, but the downside is limited.

The upside, on the other hand, is infinite.

Good luck to us all!

P.S. I’d love to hear from you — how do you define luck? And what (if anything) are you doing to increase it in your life?

References

The Great Online Game by Packy McCormick

Luck and the Entrepreneur by Marc Andreeson

How to Get Lucky by Naval Ravikant

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

Thanks so much for reading!

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing, and right-doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” — Rumi

Everybody argues. Whether it’s with your partner, best friend or colleague at work — we all have disagreements and fights.

Fighting is inevitable.

What isn’t inevitable is working through and dealing with fights in a healthy way. This rarely happens.

As a result, our fights typically end in one of three ways:

1. The fight is “ignored” — We “move on” and pretend that nothing happened, while suppressing feelings of resentment, hurt or anger towards the other person.
2. The fight escalates — We blame, criticize, and yell and end up angry and hurt.
3. Someone compromises — One person compromises (gives up something that is important to them) and the fight is “resolved” (but not really, since you never talked about the root causes and how to address them in the future).

This happens because we all have a hard time understanding and communicating what’s actually going on with us when we’re fighting.

When we don’t understand and resolve the root cause of a fight we’re doomed to repeat it, which ultimately stunts our relationships’ growth. It’s impossible for a relationship to flourish in conditions of fighting or pent up resentment and pain.

This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in.

NVC is a framework for thinking and talking that will help you connect more and fight less. Ultimately, it will help you have higher-quality relationships with the people in your life.

With NVC, you’ll learn to:

1. Understand yourself better (what you need and how to get it)
2. Understand other people better (what they need and how they can get it)
3. Get unstuck and solve fights faster

NVC is a 4-step process. Part 1 focuses on (what I think) is the most important part: Needs and Strategies. Part 2 will review the entire 4-step process.

NVC — Needs & Strategies

Developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960’s, NVC is a framework for better communication and conflict resolution used by companies, conflict negotiators, and therapists across the world.

NVC is based on the idea that we all have universal human needs and that the goal of meaningful conversation is to connect to every person’s needs, not to “win”.

According to NVC:

• Conflict happens because Needs aren’t met
• We get stuck in conflict because we confuse Needs and Strategies
• Needs are never in conflict, only Strategies are

The first step to reducing the amount of conflicts (and their intensity) in our lives, is to realize that we all have Needs (here’s a list). Rosenberg found that human needs universally fall into one of a handful of categories, including connection, honesty, peace, play, physical well-being, a sense of meaning, and autonomy.

The second step is to realize that anytime we experience conflict or negative emotions (judgement, anger, criticism), it’s a sign that our needs aren’t being met. In fact, the more our needs aren’t being met, the more violent in language or action we may become.

Moreover, our needs motivate our behavior. Everything anybody does is an attempt to meet a universal need.

Needs

• Needs are universal — we all have the same set of core needs. Some core needs include: acceptance, communication, connection, clarity, etc. Here’s the full list.
• Needs guide our behavior — everything we (and others do) is an attempt to meet one or more of our core needs.
• Needs are to be celebrated — needs are awesome and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with any of our needs.

It’s important to realize that needs are NOT connected to people or actions. For example, connection is a need, going on a date with your partner isn’t (that’s a strategy, see below).

Strategies

Whereas Needs are universal, Strategies are specific things we do (and actions we take) to meet our needs.

• Strategies are things we do to meet our needs.
• There are many strategies and few needs — there are hundreds of strategies that we can use to meet a single need.
• Strategies are NOT universal — strategies are super specific actions that we take to meet core needs.

Remember, needs are universal (same for everyone). Strategies are not — they are super specific to the time, person, place, etc.

An easy way to tell the difference between a need and a strategy is that a strategy will usually include a Person, a Location, an Action, a Time, or an Object.

For example:

• Need: Relaxation
• Strategy (there are many strategies to meet a need): Meditating, Getting a massage, Going to sleep, Watching a movie, etc.

According to NVC, every conversation or conflict is about needs and strategies. Take this example:

• Sara: When are you coming home tonight?
• Joe: I’m working late, I’m sorry
• Sara: You’re always working late, you’re never home for dinner. I wanted to have a special dinner tonight together.
• Joe: You think I want to work late? I need to do this for my job!
• Sara: You’re so selfish!

What’s going on here?

The first step is to understand what each person’s needs are. At first glance, it seems like each person has a need that is in opposition to the other person’s needs.

Without NVC — The conflict seems stuck:

• Sara’s need: Dinner with Joe tonight
• Joe’s need: To work late tonight

How can they resolve this if they both need different things right now?

This is where the magic of NVC comes in.

NVC — The difference between Needs and Strategies

The most revolutionary part of NVC (for me) is the distinction between Needs and Strategies.

We get stuck in conflicts because we confuse Needs and Strategies.

According to NVC, needs are never in conflict, only strategies are.

There is nothing wrong with the need itself — in fact, the need should be celebrated.

The problem is with the strategy used.

Let’s use the previous example. Reviewing the list of needs, we can see that each person’s needs are actually different than what we initially thought.

Remember: Needs are universal, they can’t have specific people/actions attached to them.

With NVC:

Needs

• Sara’s need: Connection
• Joe’s need: Success or Competence

Strategies

• Sara’s strategy: Dinner with Joe tonight
• Joe’s strategy: Working late

NVC shows us that there is nothing wrong or in conflict about Sara and Joe’s needs. Their needs are beautiful. It’s wonderful to want connection and success. There is nothing wrong with that.

The problem is with the strategies.

When we separate our needs from our strategies we discover that there are MANY ways to solve a need. We don’t need to get stuck on one strategy.

NEW strategies

• Sara’s strategies: Breakfast with Joe the next morning, Call with friends, Going out with friends
• Joe’s strategies: Working early tomorrow morning, working late a different night this week, etc.

Once you identify each person’s needs, it becomes a whole lot easier to choose a different strategy to resolve the conflict. The important thing is that everybody feels that their needs are being met — no one is compromising on their needs.

Sometimes both people need to choose a new strategy, sometimes only one person does. The important thing is that, at the end of the day, everyone feels like their needs are heard and met.

In this case, Sara’s new strategy was enough to resolve this conflict. Once you disentangle the needs from strategies, you realize how much more freedom you have to solve the argument.

How to figure out what your needs are

“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” — Marshall Rosenberg

One of the hardest parts of NVC is figuring out what our needs are. Identifying our needs is hard because we’re not taught to think in terms of needs, so it takes some getting used to.

There are two steps to figuring out your needs:

Step 1: Recognize WHEN your needs aren’t being met.

Whenever you’re in conflict or feeling negative emotions (judgement, anger, blame, etc.), it’s an indicator that one or more of our needs aren’t being met.

A famous line in NVC is that judgement, anger, criticism are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Pay attention to your feelings. They are chock-full of valuable information to help you understand when your needs aren’t being met.

Step 2: Identify WHICH needs aren’t being met

This is hard. There are a few ways to do this.

1. Go deep into your judgements, blame, criticisms of the other person or situation. Don’t do this to their face. But use these judgements to help you uncover your needs. For example, if your judgement is “That person is so disrespectful”, then maybe your need for ‘respect’ isn’t being met. Or if your judgement is “That person is so selfish”, maybe your need for care isn’t being met.
2. Review the needs list. Whenever you’re feeling negative emotions, scan the need list and pay attention to how you feel (and your body reacts) to each need as you read over it. You’ll be surprised to notice that one or more will resonate.

The “point” of identifying your needs is to understand yourself better, so you can get to the root of your distress and actually resolve it (and ofcourse the same is true for the other person). And like everything, identifying your needs takes practice.

What’s next:

• Stay tuned for Part 2: The NVC 4-Step Method

Resources:

• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

Thanks so much for reading!

Psychologists used to think that our development — the way we think and make meaning in our lives — peaked at adolescence. That we have an ‘upper limit’ to who we can become and the way we can understand the world.

Then came Harvard psychologist, Robert Kegan. Kegan spent three decades tracking a group of adults and discovered that we can keep developing and reaching higher levels of consciousness well into adulthood.

This discovery became the foundation of his Theory of Adult Development. The theory outlines 5 distinct developmental stages that adults can go through. Each new stage represents a significant transformation in the way we think and make meaning in our lives.

Why is development important? Because as we grow older, life (relationships, work, family, etc.) becomes more complicated. And to successfully thrive in this complexity — to live a more joyful, connected and meaningful life — we need new ways of thinking about ourselves and the world.

Kegan likens our development to that of a caterpillar. Like caterpillars, we have the potential to transform into butterflies (read: reach higher levels of development and consciousness). A caterpillar isn’t supposed to die a caterpillar. A caterpillar is supposed to transform into a butterfly.

However, development isn’t inevitable. Kegan found that the majority of adults do not experience meaningful growth. In short, many of us die before we become butterflies.

So how can we keep developing as we grow older?

In Part 1 and Part 2 I shared Kegan’s four stages of development and how to transition among them. In this article I outline Kegan’s fifth and final stage, Stage 5 — Self-Transforming and share some insights into how (I think) we can transition to this stage.

According to Kegan, we grow by changing both HOW we think about the world and WHAT we think about. It’s not just about becoming smarter (accumulating more knowledge) — it’s about changing our perspective. We do this by continually questioning our hidden assumptions and beliefs.

Kegan calls this the self-object dance:

• Self: Our unquestioned beliefs, assumptions, perspectives, ways of being, etc. (our ‘default’ mode). These unquestioned beliefs shape our experience of the world and the possibilities we perceive.
• Object: All the things we can critically examine, understand, question and, therefore, change.

We grow by moving more and more of what is unseen and unexamined in the way we understand the world (those things that are SUBJECT) to a place where they can be examined, questioned and changed (where they become OBJECT).

The more we question our beliefs, ideas, theories, etc., the better we become at navigating complexity, ambiguity and paradox — all defining characteristics of modern life. As a result, we become better partners, parents, leaders, friends, you name it.

Stage 5: The Self-Transforming Mind & How to Get There

Kegans fifth and final developmental stage is the Self Transforming Mind. Kegan found that very few people move beyond the fourth order, and they rarely do so before mid-life.

In Stage 5 one’s sense of self is not tied to particular identities or roles, but is constantly created through the exploration of one’s identities and roles and further honed through interactions with others.

Here are some Stage 5 characteristics:

• Nothing is black or white: Life, people, emotions, relationships are complicated and always changing. They are constantly moving along a spectrum, never just one way or another way (i.e. “I am not ‘impatient’, I’m patient in certain situations and impatient in others”).
• We can question authority AND ourselves. We can critically examine our thoughts and beliefs as well as the systems we are a part of.
• We contain multitudes: We are comfortable holding multiple thoughts, emotions, identities and ideologies at once. We can understand things from many different perspectives and feel many different things at once.
• We embrace paradox: We realize that truth often resides in paradox.

Stage 5 — Creating a “fertile space” for development

This article isn’t about landing square in the middle of Stage 5 Development (I don’t know how to do this), but rather about cultivating aspects of Stage 5 thinking to practice in our everyday lives.

Stage 5 thinking is important (and something to aspire to) because it helps us engage with people and situations in a more creative and nuanced way. It creates space for more empathy and curiosity in our lives and better equips us to make thoughtful decisions about how we want to show up in the world.

According to Kegan, we need certain conditions in order to develop. These include:

Understanding our self: Constant awareness and humility

This is always true. A key ingredient to all growth and development is to be aware of what we’re thinking and feeling and how we’re behaving, and to practice humility. To put ourselves in ‘learning mode’ and acknowledge that the problems we keep coming up against are not about the world, but about us.

This means realizing that at some level we’re inadequate, we’re not fully done. We want more out of our lives and our relationships and are willing to do the work.

I write more about this in Part 2.

Note: If you’re in a relationship, it can be an important exercise to see how much your partner is committed to his/her growth and development.

Sharing our self: Honest, real conversations with people we trust

This requires:

Psychological and emotional safety

At least one source of psychological and emotional safety. This can be a person (a partner, friend, therapist) or group of people (in a retreat setting, etc.) where you feel seen and safe enough to fully express what we’re thinking and feeling without judgement. I’m not talking about sharing opinions about a movie or a daily life update. I’m talking about being able to share hard, painful and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings without being afraid of the response.

This type of safety is critical to our development because growth requires being vulnerable and owning our stories, which can often be very uncomfortable. And we need sufficient forms of support in order to continuously push our comfort zone and question our long-held thoughts and beliefs. It’s very difficult to sustain prolonged periods of discomfort without this kind of support.

Rational Discourse

According to Jack Mezirow, the founder of transformational learning theory, rational discourse is one of the keys to transformation. Mezirow defines rational discourse as having an active dialogue with others to better understand the meaning of our experience.

I love this because it demonstrates how critical deep, authentic and clear conversation with other people is to our development. We need to be able to clearly articulate our thoughts, ideas and feelings to ourselves and other people if we’re ever going to be able to question and change them. The key here is ‘active’, it’s not about stating your thoughts, but about engaging in an exploration of why you think what you do.

Transcending our self: Experiment with self-transcendent experiences

Kegan found that a disproportionate number of Stage 5 adults had dabbled in self-transcendent experiences: often beginning with psychedelics and, after that, making meditation, martial arts, and other state-shifting practices a central part of their lives.

Self-transcendent experiences (STEs) are experiences (also referred to as non-ordinary states of consciousness) where, for a brief moment, people feel lifted above their day-to-day concerns, their sense of self fades away and they feel connected to something bigger. I’ve written about self-transcendent experiences here.

Many of them described their frequent access to self-transcendent states as the “turbo-button” for their development, leading Kegan to state that transitioning to Stage 5 requires self-transcendence: where the self transcends its boundaries (the individual ego) and becomes part of something larger.

Many of us have experienced STEs. They exist along a spectrum of intensity that ranges from the routine (e.g., losing yourself in music or a book), to the intense and potentially transformative (e.g., feeling connected to everything and everyone, mystical experiences), to states in between, like those experienced by many people while meditating or taking psychedelics.

These experiences are important because they take us out of our day to day ego-driven ‘normal’ consciousness. As David Yaden, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania and the lead author of a recent paper in the Review of General Psychology, “The Varieties of Self-Transcendent Experience, writes, “When the self temporarily disappears, so too may some of these fears and anxieties.”

And this creates space for more meaningful experiences.

Where do we go from here?

Kegan’s Theory of Adult Development lays out a path for how we want to show up in the world.

Do we want to follow other people’s expectations of us, or forge our own way? Do we want to be trapped by old patterns of thinking, or create a new way of being for ourselves? Do we want to just ‘get by’ in our relationships, or cultivate deeper, more authentic connections with people in our lives?

I hope I’ve helped shed light into these stages and provided some insight into how we can transition among them.

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

Thanks so much for reading!

“We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life”. — Marina Keegan

A while back I read something that shocked me: When surveyed, most Americans say that they have zero confidants.

That means that most Americans have ZERO people to turn to in times of need.

Moreover, 54 percent said they always or sometimes feel that no one knows them well and 47 percent said they often feel alone, left out and lacking meaningful connection with others.

In short, we’re lonely. And my generation, millennials, is the loneliest.

Loneliness doesn’t mean you don’t have people in your life — the people in the stats above probably have dozens of friends, colleagues and family.

Loneliness means that you’re not consistently sharing anything that matters to you with anyone else.

It has to do with the quality, not quantity, of your relationships.

So what’s the opposite of loneliness?

For me, it’s intimacy. And when it comes to living a happy, meaningful life, intimacy is everything.

Intimacy is a feeling of emotional closeness with anyone — friends, family, colleagues, etc. It doesn’t only refer to romantic relationships.

Yet we live in a world where intimacy isn’t valued and often discouraged, prevented or avoided.

As a result many of us have few intimate relationships — few opportunities to share our true thoughts and feelings and be seen and heard.

And this lack of intimacy has very real and sad consequences — we’re the most depressed, anxious, over-medicated, obese and addicted society in human history.

That’s why I firmly believe that intimacy is something that needs to be actively pursued and cultivated in order to thrive in today’s lonely AF world.

Here’s how.

Intimacy: The opposite of loneliness

“Almost all of our problems stem from not having great relationships with others.” — Johann Hari, Lost Connections

As mentioned above, intimacy is the feeling of emotional closeness.

And you can’t feel emotionally close to someone unless your share and express your emotions — what’s really going on with you and how you really feel about this.

Yet most of our relationships are NOT especially intimate. Most of our relationships are casual — no one really shares what’s going on with them, we have a few laughs, talk about TV, and then move on.

There are many reasons why we don’t have intimate relationships:

1. We live in a society that discourages intimacy (think of all the ways we have to avoid deep, emotional connection with anyone — social media, work, Netflix…)
2. Intimacy is hard and scary

Now it’s probably ok if 50% of our relationships are casual. The problem is when 90% - 100% of our relationships are like this.

When most of our relationships aren’t intimate, we start to feel lonely.

Loneliness doesn’t mean that we’re depressed and can’t get out of bed. It’s way more subtle than that.

It’s the sense that we can’t express what’s really going on with us on the inside. So we start to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves. Or we numb through TV, Instagram, work, alcohol, you name it.

And we start to feel a little disconnected from the people around us.

And this sucks. It sucks to feel that you can’t share your real feelings and thoughts with other people. And over time, it only gets worse.

Plus, things will happen (you’ll lose your job, feel depressed, or go through a breakup), and the only way you’ll be able to get through these things is with the love and support of the people that know you best.

When shit hits the fan, it’s your intimate relationships that will most likely get you through it. These relationships won’t just appear. They need to be cultivated over time.

This is why intimate relationships are the bedrock of a good life: Research consistently shows that close relationships are one of the strongest and most important predictors of happiness, good health and living a meaningful life.

Moreover, physiologically, not having a social support system is actually a source of chronic stress for our bodies and this type of chronic stress raises the risk of heart disease and other health challenges.

Therefore, if we don’t ACTIVELY cultivate intimate relationships in our life, then we’re increasing the chances of feeling lonely and disconnected from the people (and the world) around us.

How much intimacy do you have in your life?

“The feeling I’m talking about [loneliness] stems from the sense that we can never fully share the truth of who we are.” — Amy Tan

Intimacy is built and cultivated by consistently sharing your authentic, emotional self with other people. And it must be practiced over and over again, especially when it’s hard.

Due to the ‘laws of human connection’ (and vulnerability, in general) — the more you share yourself with others, the more they’ll share themselves with you.

This is how intimacy is built and cultivated over time.

However, intimacy isn’t binary. It’s not a matter of whether you have intimate relationships or you don’t.

Like most things, intimacy exists on a spectrum.

Let’s try a simple exercise — what is your intimacy baseline?

Here are some questions from the Cigna Study on Loneliness — a national survey of 20,000 U.S. adults ages 18 and over that explores loneliness.

Note that you don’t answer yes or no. You answer according to how often you feel this way.

Answer the questions below according to the following rubric:

A “I often feel this way” (Points: 0)

B “I sometimes feel this way” (Points:1)

C “I rarely feel this way” (Points:2)

D “I never feel this way” (Points:3)

_____________________________________________________

1. I am no longer close to anyone
2. No one really knows me well
3. My social relationships are superficial

Now assign the points that are in the rubric’s parenthesis to each statement and place yourself on the intimacy scale below (10 = being deeply connected to people, 1 = feeling emotionally alone most of the time).

Where do you fall on the intimacy scale? What is your intimacy baseline?

And the most important question of all: where do you want to be?

(*and for extra credit: where do you want your partner to be?)

Now there’s one very important caveat: Who can you be intimate with?

If you feel 100% connected to your barista or therapist and tell them every feeling and thought you have, but can’t share your emotions with your partner, then that’s something to be curious about.

Intimacy is built over time and is often hardest to practice with the people closest to us.

The reason is because they see us and know us and there are consequences to sharing ourselves with them (fear they won’t love us anymore, won’t understand us, will leave us), and that can be very very scary.

Therefore, true intimacy is sharing things that matter to you with the people that matter to you.

Now it’s perfectly natural to feel more or less intimate (close) with others at different points in your life.

For example, during an NYC winter you’ll probably feel less connected to others (I sure did), whereas during the holidays you may feel more connected to others. This is normal. There are seasons for everything.

The important question is: What is your intimacy baseline?

How much of your authentic, emotional self do you consistently share with people in your life?

And how do you feel about this?

Remember, the number 1 reason people go to therapy is because they have difficulty developing and maintaining gratifying intimate interpersonal relationships.

Choose intimacy: The conversation is the relationship

“This ongoing conversation I have been having with my wife is not about the relationship. The conversation is the relationship.” — David Whyte

An easy way to think about the intimacy is to pay attention to your conversations with other people and try to choose intimacy whenever you can.

As I mentioned, society is pulling us away from intimacy.

Therefore, intimacy doesn’t just happen. It’s something you have to choose, over and over again.

What do I mean by choose intimacy?

I started my ‘choose intimacy’ practice on one of my very first dates with my partner.

I started observing that whenever I was in conversation with my partner (or anyone for that matter), there were moments where I could go deeper and be honest and vulnerable, or brush the topic aside, go quiet or fake some sort of feeling.

I decided early on that whenever I was at such a crossroads: tell the truth and be intimate OR change the subject — I would choose intimacy. And this practice holds to this day.

It’s not always comfortable or easy. Sometimes it’s even tiring. But in the long run, it helps us cultivate a strong, intimate relationship.

And this doesn’t only apply to my partner — I try to practice this in all my relationships.

What about you? Are you choosing intimacy?

Think about your last conversation with your partner or friend:

(I think it’s especially important to think about your partner here. This is often the person you spend most of your time with. What is the quality of your conversations?)

• Did you tell the truth about how you feel?
• Did you share things that matter to you?
• Did you choose to go deep and discuss something that’s bothering you, or did you brush it aside or minimize it?
• Did you hold anything back because you were afraid? (of being judged, making the other person angry, etc.)

How often you have these types of conversations.

Remember, consistency is key, which means that one heart-to-heart conversation every 6 months probably won’t cut it.

I think a good ratio is about 1:5 — for every 5 conversations you have about reality TV or logistics or what food to order, try to have 1 conversation where you share something meaningful and hard and emotional that you experienced in the last week.

There are no shortcuts to intimacy. And intimate relationships are what will make all of us happier in the long run.

They are what will ultimately make our lives the most meaningful.

And when shit hits the fan, which it inevitably will, they are what will keep us whole and help us keep going.

In short: Intimacy is everything

I haven’t found anything more meaningful (and healthy) than intimate relationships.

But they don’t just occur, you need to work on them. And to do so, you need to first value intimacy with others and, of course, with yourself.

My next article will cover the second part of choosing intimacy: holding space. More on that later:)

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

We’ve all been there.

For example, we know there’s an important conversation we should be having with our partner - about money, sex, the relationship, you name it. We know this conversation could make things better.

But it’s hard. So we don’t do it.

Most of us delay doing hard things like going to therapy or having a tough conversation (with a partner, friend, family member or colleague) even though they’re practically guaranteed to make us happier in the long run.

We avoid doing these things because they’re hard and uncomfortable — they involve money, time and emotional investments.

The problem is that we become so focused on the cost of doing something that we completely ignore the fact that there’s also a cost to doing nothing.

We also ignore one of the most critical variables in any cost equation: time.

So in the spirit of doing hard things, here’s a way of thinking that has helped me, well, do hard things that have improved my life in so many ways.

Enjoy!

The cost of doing nothing — 3 beliefs that are holding you back

Belief #1: Doing nothing has no cost

When faced with a decision of whether or not to do a ‘hard’ thing, most of us perform a cost analysis.

We ask ourselves how much money/time/emotional discomfort will this thing cost me?

Take therapy for example:

Cost of going to therapy

• 10 sessions X cost per session
• Time away from work
• Emotional discomfort, tension, etc.

= Cost of going to therapy

Many times, we treat the decision to DO something as the only decision that needs to be made.

But there are always two decisions at play:

• Decision 1: Do X
• Decision 2: Don’t do X

And they each have a cost. Yet, we often only focus on the cost of doing something and ignore the (sometimes) higher cost of doing NOTHING.

Take therapy, for example:

That’s not all.

The interesting thing is how these costs change over time. For this, we need to examine our thoughts/beliefs about the status quo, about doing nothing.

Belief #2: Things will just stay the same over time

Most of us assume that not only does doing nothing have no cost, but that if we do nothing, everything will stay the same over time. Or better yet, that things will magically work themselves out and improve on their own.

If we don’t have that tough conversation or go to therapy or take a career advancement course, then our relationship and our career will stay exactly the same or might even get better on their own. This rarely happens.

Belief: Things only change when we make decisions to change them. Things don’t change when we do nothing.

I’ve found this to be false.

The truth is that doing nothing can have a negative impact on your relationships, personal development, etc.

In short, doing nothing doesn’t mean things stay the same. Doing nothing can make things worse. Therefore the ‘real status quo’ looks more like the red line below.

For example, not having a tough conversation with your partner:

• Builds up resentment
• Creates distance
• Causes a communication breakdown
• Manifests in passive-aggressive behavior, which creates more distance, and so on

As a result of doing nothing, your trajectory (health of your relationship, career confidence, etc.) can actually slope downwards.

Now multiply this by all the times you avoided having a tough conversation and the result is a relationship that is probably DETERIORATING over time.

Belief #3: The costs of doing or not doing something are fixed

As a result of the following beliefs:

1. Doing nothing has no cost
2. Things stay the same when you do nothing

We tend to believe that the COSTS of doing/not doing something stay the same over time.

This, again, I’ve found to be false.

The longer you do nothing, the more expensive any decision becomes (e.g. going or not going to therapy).

I see this in relationships all the time. The ‘cost’ of having that serious talk is discomfort, anger, frustration, intensity, etc. It will make things awkward. It will make things tense and bring up a lot of things from the past, you get the point.

But what’s the cost of not having that talk? What’s the cost of keeping things inside for another day, another week, another month? The cost of letting something simmer and predictably snowball into something harder and more complicated. What about that cost?

As your relationship worsens, as communication breaks down, as you start to harbor resentment and contempt, then the cost of unraveling these things increases.

Therefore, for many hard decisions, the longer you wait the worse of your reality can become, and the higher the cost of making moves in the future.

I recently used this framework to do a hard thing. I had a “falling out” with a former client and was wondering whether or not to meet with them to discuss what happened (or rather, what went wrong). Needless to say, this was the last thing I wanted to do. I knew it would be a hard conversation — it would force me to face some things that would make me uncomfortable and probably bruise my ego.

On the other hand, the cost of not going was that I would continue making the same mistakes in my career and work relationships. Moreover, by not meeting with this person and clearing the air, I would be giving up on a potentially valuable relationship in the future. Finally, the longer I delayed having this conversation the harder it would be to have it down the line (because of timing, momentum, etc.).

So, I decided to do the hard thing now: To reach out and schedule this meeting. And yes, of course, it was worth it.

Main takeaways

• There is a cost to everything we do and don’t do.
• Things (issues in a relationship, trauma, insecurities, etc.) do not fix themselves on their own. Nor do they stay the same. More often than not, if they’re not dealt with, they cause a slow and steady deterioration. Whether you’re aware of it or not.
• As a result, the longer you do nothing, the higher the cost of making moves in the future.

Bottom Line: When making a decision, consider ALL the costs. And don’t wait, do the hard thing now.

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

“These alternate forms of consciousness might in spite of all the perplexity, be indispensable stages in our approach to the final fullness of the truth.” — William James

In my research on meaning and development, I keep reading about the value of self-transcendent experiences (STEs). These are experiences (also referred to as non-ordinary states of consciousness) where, for a brief moment, people feel lifted above their day-to-day concerns, their sense of self fades away and they feel connected to something bigger.

For many of us, these experiences are very few and far in between.

Yet, research shows that STEs can have a profoundly positive effect on the human psyche. Notably (to me), they are associated with higher levels of adult development (Kegan and Maslow) and living a more meaningful life (Emily Esfahani-Smith).

This means that many people who have reached higher levels of adult development (and performance) or rate their lives as ‘meaningful’ have dabbled in STEs.

Thus, while many people seek out STEs (like meditation) to feel calmer and more focused, a growing body of research shows that these states can do much more. They can actually help facilitate our development and provide us with a greater sense of meaning in our lives.

This piqued my curiosity for three reasons:

1. I’m generally interested in meaning and human development, and STEs seem to be critical to both.
2. We’re living longer than ever before. In the past, many people died before they could reach higher levels of adult development (since these levels are typically only reached in late adulthood). We now have the opportunity to keep exploring and expanding our consciousness and development, and STEs can help facilitate that.
3. If the race is truly on between intelligence and consciousness, as Yuval Noah Harari believes, then our “competitive advantage” can only be consciousness.

While there are many ways to illicit STEs (meditation, prayer, ecstatic dancing, etc.), I’m focusing on psychedelics. This is because I’m interested and inspired by the new wave of research showing that psychedelics can not only help treat people with depression, addiction, etc. but also optimize the well-being of “healthy normals”.

Part 1 will explore self-transcendent experiences, their connection to theories of human development and meaning and what it is we’re transcending. Part 2 will describe how psychedelics facilitate self-transcendent experiences.

Self Transcendence, Meaning & Development

“Experiences of self-transcendence seem to provide some of life’s most positive and meaningful experiences, and, as [William] James claimed, may comprise some of our moments of ‘greatest peace’.” - David Yaden, The Varieties of Self-Transcendent Experience

David Yaden, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania and the lead author of a recent paper in the Review of General Psychology, “The Varieties of Self-Transcendent Experience,” defines STEs as “transient mental states marked by decreased self-salience and increased feelings of connectedness”.

In short, they help us transcend the boundaries of the self (the individual ego) and become a part of something larger.

Think about a particularly meaningful experience in your life. Chances are it involved a feeling of awe or connection (holding your baby in your arms, being immersed in nature, etc.) — experiences where you were ‘outside yourself’.

Indeed, many of us have experienced STEs. They exist along a spectrum of intensity that ranges from the routine (e.g., losing yourself in music or a book), to the intense and potentially transformative (e.g., feeling connected to everything and everyone, mystical experiences), to states in between, like those experienced by many people while meditating or when feeling awe.

According to William James, the great American psychologist of the 19th century, the magic of STEs lies in their “annihilational” aspect — the way they induce a feeling of self-loss.

So many of us spend so much time ruminating and worrying about problems large and small: What’s going to happen if I lose my job? What if he dumps me? I’m worthless. Nothing I do matters. How come she brushed me off?

As Yaden and his colleagues write, “When the self temporarily disappears, so too may some of these fears and anxieties.” This creates space for more positive outcomes.

Indeed, the researchers found that STEs are more often associated with well-being and prosocial behavior — and more intense STEs led people to feel more satisfied with their lives and rate their lives as more meaningful.

Here’s how STEs factor into two theories of human development (Maslow & Kegan) and some of the latest research on meaning (Emily Esfahani-Smith):

Maslow’s Pyramid of Human Needs

Most of us are familiar with Maslow’s 5-layer hierarchy of needs pyramid of human motivation. According to the model, we (healthy humans) have a certain number of needs, presented below:

However, we can only meet these needs in hierarchical order, starting with the lower-level (deficiency) needs. As lower needs are met (not entirely, just mostly so), we’re motivated to pursue and meet higher level (growth) needs, like self-actualization. In Maslow’s first model, self-actualization — the fulfillment of one’s potential — is the highest level of development.

What is less well-known is that Maslow changed this model near the end of his life. In his later thinking, Maslow argued that there is a higher level of development, which is essentially the pinnacle of human experience. He called this self-transcendence.

We achieve this level by focusing on things beyond the self like altruism, spiritual awakening, liberation from egocentricity, and the unity of being.

Here is how he put it: Transcendence refers to the very highest and most inclusive or holistic levels of human consciousness, behaving and relating, as ends rather than means, to oneself, to significant others, to human beings in general, to other species, to nature, and to the cosmos (Maslow, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature).

Kegan’s Theory of Adult Development — Stage 5

Harvard psychologist Robert Kegan spent three decades tracking a group of adults as they aged. His goal was simple: understand how they changed and grew over time, and determine if, in fact, there were upper limits to who we can become.

He discovered that adults can go through 5 distinct developmental stages (just like children). However, many adults remained frozen in time, while a select few achieved meaningful growth.

Right around middle age, for example, Kegan noticed that some people moved beyond generally well-adjusted adulthood, or what he called “Self-Authoring,” into the fifth and final stage: “Self-Transforming.”

In Stage 5 one’s sense of self is not tied to particular identities or roles, but is constantly created through the exploration of one’s identities and roles and further honed through interactions with others. Self-transforming is the developmental stage we tend to associate with wisdom. Yet, Kegan found that fewer than 5 percent of adults reaching Stage 5.

He also found that a disproportionate number of these Stage 5 adults had dabbled in self-transcendent experiences: often beginning with psychedelics and, after that, making meditation, martial arts, and other state-shifting practices a central part of their lives.

Many of them described their frequent access to self-transcendent states as the “turbo-button” for their development, leading Kegan to state that transitioning to Stage 5 requires self-transcendence: where the self transcends its boundaries and becomes part of something larger.

Emily Esfahani Smith’s Pillars of Meaning (research on meaning)

To find out how people can live more meaningful lives, journalist Emily Esfahani Smith spent five years interviewing hundreds of people and sorted through psychology, neuroscience and philosophy research.

In her research, she found four common themes (pillars) to a meaningful life: Purpose, Belonging, Storytelling and Transcendence. People who rated their lives as meaningful tended to have dabbled in STEs.

So what’s the deal? Why is transcendence such a critical component of meaning and human development?

But first, what are we transcending?

Before I can answer these questions, I’ll explore what it is that we’re transcending. FYI — much of this section is taken from Steven Kotler and Jamie Wheal’s excellent book: Stealing Fire: How Silicon Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Scientists Are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work.

Let’s start with normal consciousness. We all have a base level, “‘normal” waking consciousness that refers to the state of consciousness in which we are awake, alert and aware of our thoughts, feelings, sensations and our environment.

Most of us spend about two-thirds of the day in normal waking consciousness — while you’re reading his article, bike riding, or talking to a friend — while the other third is usually spent asleep.

If you pay attention to your normal consciousness — the thoughts and feelings you have during the day — you’ll notice:

• They’re ego-dominated: Your thoughts and actions are largely influenced by your ego (the ‘inner self’) — which has a strong need/desire to constantly assert and defend itself and cover its weaknesses.
• There’s always an inner critic: You have a nagging inner ‘Woody Allen’ critic who is constantly self-monitoring, judging, doubting and criticizing.
• They’re sharp: You have a heightened state of alertness, logic and critical reasoning
• They’re stressed: You experience stress, anxiety or restlessness throughout the day

These are general characteristics of 21st century ‘normal’ consciousness. And they are largely the result of the following brain activity:

• Hyperactive Prefrontal Cortex
• Heightened Beta Brainwaves
• Steady Drip of Cortisol

Ok, so our normal state of consciousness is far from ideal.

Moreover, we’re actually encouraged to alter our consciousness all the time. These are called “state-sanctioned states of consciousness” — non-ordinary states of consciousness that are actually encouraged by cultures and states and are accompanied by norms and laws to promote and support them.

For example, we live in a market-driven economy that relies on happy, awake, alert workers who can work as hard as they can, have a break, wind down, and then do it all over again.

Examples of 21st century ‘state sanctioned states of consciousness’ include:

• Awake, Alert, Hard-Working — Coffee Break, Smoke Break
• Wind-Down and Begin Again — Happy Hour
• Happy — Prozak, Zoloft

Because these states are deemed not only necessary but encouraged — these consciousness-altering techniques are legalized.

I’m bringing this up because it’s important to understand that we’re not living (or thinking) in a vacuum.

There is no neutral consciousness baseline. Our normal consciousness is characterized by ego, neuroticism, and stress. Moreover, it’s being heavily influenced (and altered) by the society and culture we live in, all the time. Yes, it helps us to think logically (sometimes) about interesting problems, hang out with friends, cook a nice dinner, etc. But it also generates anxiety, insecurity, and fear, regularly.

As Michael Pollan writes, “my ego is one of a couple of characters in my mind, and not always the best. The ego is very important — the ego got the book written. But it’s also what punishes us, what keeps us locked in our grooves of thought, and it’s what defends us against the world and against our own consciousness.”

Once you understand these things, the value of transcending this ‘normal consciousness’ becomes clearer.

What’s interesting to me is how our most meaningful moments are the ones in which we tune down our ‘self’ and connect to something bigger. This is significantly at odds with a society and culture that places such a high value on the individual. With so much self-focus (self-love, self-esteem, self-improvement), it’s no wonder it’s so hard for us to create and cultivate meaning in our lives.

Disclaimer: I am not condoning the use of psychedelics, I’m merely interested in the power of self-transcendent experiences in general, and psychedelics in particular, to optimize our consciousness and contribute to meaning and human development. On that note, it’s also important to say that there can be very clear negative outcomes to ego-dissolution. I am only focusing on the positive ones.

What’s next?

Part 1 explored self-transcendent experiences, their relationship to theories of human development and research on meaning, and normal consciousness (what it is that we’re transcending).

Stay tuned for Part 2 (out next week!) to learn how psychedelics can help facilitate STEs.

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here.

“The most meaningful lives, I’ve learned, are often not the extraordinary ones, they’re the ordinary ones lived with dignity.” — Emily Esfahani Smith

I celebrated my birthday last week and, as usual, it had me thinking about my life. Specifically about how to live a meaningful life: How do we create it? How do we sustain it?

For me, living a meaningful life has always been closely related to having a meaningful career. I would live a meaningful life when I achieved my goal of landing a dream job that aligned with my purpose in the world.

This goal-oriented approach hasn’t served me.

First, I don’t know what my Purpose is. Second (related to the first), my Purpose keeps changing. Third, if meaning only happens when I get that dream job or find my ‘calling’, then what happens in the meantime? For me it’s been: frustration, insecurity, and disappointment.

So I decided to take a different approach to meaning-making.

Instead of viewing ‘living a meaningful life’ or ‘having a meaningful career’ as goals to be achieved sometime in the future, I’ve started to view them as outcomes (or consequences) of taking very specific and deliberate actions every day.

It has to do with living in integrity. I’ve always said that I value meaning, and now I’m finally creating a system for myself that will align my value (meaning) with my daily thoughts and actions.

Based on the book Power of Meaning (and a ton of scientific research), my meaning-making system is a way for me to deliberately orient my life towards meaning every day.

Part 1 focuses on Purpose.

Why focus on meaning?

Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness. — John Stuart Mill

So why am I focusing on meaning when the entire world is focused on happiness? And what’s the difference?

First, why is meaning important?

The need for meaning is at the core of our experience and, as Victor Frankl believed, essential for optimal human development. Meaning in life is not just a theoretical or philosophical construct, but it has a bearing on human health and well being. Indeed, the absence of meaning, goals or values has been shown to provoke considerable distress — which, according to Frankl, manifests as depression, addiction, and aggression.

For many years, people relied on religion to give their lives meaning. Studies show that residents of poor nations have a greater sense of meaning than their wealthy nation counterparts because people living in poor nations are more religious.

Now that we don’t rely on religion to give our lives meaning, people in wealthy societies need to create their own meaning via their identity and self-knowledge. This means that’s it’s up to us to create meaning in our lives.

What’s the difference between meaning and happiness?

Well, it turns out that while happiness and meaning are strongly correlated with each other, there are some key differences:

• Happiness: Has to do with having your needs satisfied, getting what you want, and feeling good — and is associated with being a “taker,” to use the language of Wharton’s Adam Grant. Seeking happiness may actually backfire as the more people value it, the more likely they are to be disappointed when they fail to achieve it.
• Meaning: Is related to developing a personal identity, expressing the self, and consciously integrating one’s past, present, and future experiences, and is linked to being a “giver” rather than a “taker.” Seeking meaning leads to a deeper sense of contentment and peace, and may increase our health and well-being. However, meaningful lives also involve stress and challenges. Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness, which suggests that engaging in challenging or difficult situations that are beyond oneself or one’s pleasures promotes meaningfulness but not happiness. Thus, a meaningful life is not just about feeling good. In fact, experiencing a greater variety of emotions — even mixed emotions — may be key to our health and well-being.

So why pursue meaning if it it’s more challenging, requires more of you, and can actually make you less happy?

My answer is simple (and unscientific): because it’s a value I hold and I want to live in integrity. I don’t believe that we’re here to be happy and “feel good” all the time. I believe that, as Ray Dalio writes in Principles, we’re here to evolve. And as most of us know, evolution (and growth) can be uncomfortable, challenging, and stressful. It takes work.

But it’s also what creates meaning.

My Meaning-Making System

Before I share my system it’s important to highlight the difference between goals and systems: Goals focus on achieving specific results, whereas systems focus on outcomes — a way of being, thinking and feeling that you strive to cultivate in your life.

A system is “something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of meaning-making in the long run”, regardless of immediate results.

The difference has to do with control.

A systems-approach to meaning focuses on the things we can control (thoughts, actions) to create meaning every day. When we focus on goals (‘land that dream job’) then we focus on things that we don’t control (but pretend we do) — the future, other people, etc.

My meaning-making system is comprised of the four pillars of meaning as outlined by journalist Emily Esfahani Smith in The Power of Meaning.

• Purpose — the degree to which you feel directed and motivated by valued life goals
• Belonging (social relationships) — our connection to the people around us
• Storytelling — the ability to understand and make sense of your life experiences and weave them into a coherent whole
• Transcendence — the feeling of rising above the everyday world and being connected to something vast and meaningful.

In this article I’m only focusing on Purpose (because it’s a big one). Part 2 will focus on the rest.

Purpose

The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity. — Leo Tolstoy

One of my big goals in life has always been find a meaningful job that aligns with my highest purpose, so that I can live a meaningful life.

It looked like this:

The result is that I put all my ‘purpose eggs’ in one basket: some dream, meaningful job.

My problem with the goals-oriented approach to meaning (i.e. goal = meaningful job) is that:

1. It’s binary: You either have the ‘dream meaningful job’ or you don’t. For many of us, this translates into feelings of failure and frustration along the way.
2. It’s specific, fixed, and assumes a predictable future: You need to know what your goals are in order to pursue them. Since I don’t have a burning passion for something specific, setting specific goals has always been difficult. Moreover, it’s easy to get fixated on a specific result and close yourself off to other opportunities. Setting goals assumes some degree of control over the future. Setting a goal to be a VP at Facebook in 5 years assumes that Facebook will still exist, and most importantly, that you won’t discover another passion you want to follow instead.
3. It’s easy to fall into the ‘when, then’ trap: Goals make it easy to fall into the trap of “‘when I achieve this goal, then I’ll be happy.” We’ve all been there.

There’s nothing wrong with a goals-approach to meaning. Some people know exactly what they want to be when they grow up. And, for them, goals are great — they help them stay motivated and focused.

However, for the rest of us, who don’t know exactly who/what they want to be when they grow up (me!) — the goal of finding this dream, meaningful job that aligns with your highest purpose can be frustrating as hell.

So I created a meaning-making system for purpose, that doesn’t rely on landing a dream job to create meaning.

It includes:

1. Identifying and developing my unique skills with the goal of using them to help others
2. Having a meaningful side hustle

1. Get good at helping others

According to developmental psychologist William Damon, a critical dimension of purpose is contribution to the world.

This is backed by research. Those who consistently rank their jobs (and lives) as meaningful have one thing in common: they see their jobs as a way to help others.

It’s simple: If I want to create meaning in my life I need purpose. And to have purpose, I need to view my life (and work) as a way to help others.

For years I struggled with the above truth. If living a meaningful is about helping others then why don’t I just quit everything and go work at an orphanage? Why all the back and forth, when the answer is so clear?

Turns out helping others is only part of the equation. As Smith writes, The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others:

Developing your unique and valuable skills + Using them to help others = meaningful work

For many years I only focused on the second part of this equation. I worked in the nonprofit sector and focused on the service I provided others. This was ultimately unfulfilling because I wasn’t developing my unique and valuable skills.

Now I’m focusing on skills development. Instead of looking to some dream, meaningful job to satisfy my sense of purpose, I’m taking matters into my own hands. I’m focusing on identifying and cultivating my skills in order to be of the greatest service to those around me.

I recently stumbled upon a great example of this: The Pay it Forward Pizzeria. The owner makes pizzas. He got really good at making pizzas and now uses his skills to ‘pay it forward’ (i.e. help others) by offering free slices to homeless people in the area. It’s that simple.

My system:

1. Identifying my superpowers (my specific, valuable skills) — You can do this through coaching, introspection, talking to people, taking test like the Enneagram or a strengths test, etc.
2. Sharpening my superpowers — This is the big one. Instead of focusing on finding a dream, meaningful job, I’m focusing on finding a job where I can refine my skill set, in order to get better at helping others.

I know that my skills involve teaching, writing, connecting with others and communicating value (through marketing). So I’m spending the next two years focusing on developing these skills with the ultimate goal of using them to help others.

I don’t have a five year goal for where this will lead me. I’m only focusing on developing my value so I can ultimately be of service to others. This can take the form of pro-bono marketing consulting for non-profits or for-profit consulting for budding entrepreneurs. Either way, my focus is to help others, because that is a sure-fire way to maximize meaning in my life.

Thus, instead of focusing on finding some perfect, meaningful job, I’m focusing on the things I can control: my skills development.

2. Have a meaningful side-hustle: Make daily progress in meaningful work

In a recent study, Researchers Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer found that making progress in meaningful work is the single most important thing that boosts emotions, motivation, and perceptions during a workday.

While their research focused on motivating performance at work, it’s easy for me to apply it to everyday life and conclude that making progress towards meaningful work will make (and does, from experience) my life more meaningful.

And it’s backed by science. Turns out that we feel more pleasure pursuing a goal, then actually achieving it. In his book “The Happiness Hypothesis,” Jonathan Haidt explains that we all experience two types of “positive affect” (good feelings, basically) when pursuing and achieving goals: pre-goal attainment positive affect and post-goal attainment positive affect.

“Pre-goal attainment positive affect” happens when you make steps towards your goal. It is the experience of dopamine activity in your left prefrontal cortex, which translates into pleasurable feelings. Post-goal attainment positive affect is what happens when you achieve your goal. This is a short-lived feeling of release, as the dopamine activity in your brain begins to settle down after the goal has been achieved.

Pre-goal attainment affect is more pleasurable than post-goal attainment affect. Thus, you experience more pleasure from making progress towards a goal, than from achieving it.

My system:

For me that means waking up every morning and writing for an hour. I don’t know what it is or what it’s going to look like, all I know is that on days that I wake up writing, my day feels more meaningful.

To summarize:

I’m no longer focused on finding the perfect, dream job that will align with my purpose (it’s too stressful and, ultimately, out of my control).

I now focus on a systems approach to purpose: Cultivating daily habits and actions that will maximize my meaning-making every day.

This system is comprised of:

1. Identifying and developing my unique skills with the goal of using them to help others
2. Having a meaningful side hustle

In Part 2 I’ll explore the other pillars of meaning: belonging, storytelling, and transcendence.

Want more?

I started a monthly(ish) newsletter where I share more thoughts/ideas plus meaningful bits and pieces from the web. If you’re interested in receiving it, you can subscribe here and check out all my articles at www.natalimorad.com.

Thanks so much for reading!

More where this came from

This story is published in Noteworthy, where thousands come every day to learn about the people & ideas shaping the products we love.

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We’ve all experienced communication breakdowns.

You know the feeling. One minute you’re having a normal conversation with someone, and the next you’re fighting or one of you has shut down.

In both cases, there’s a breakdown. The conversation has failed to achieve its goal, whether it’s being heard, solving a problem, feeling connected, making a decision, etc.

This happens all the time. It takes seconds for a conversation to shift from a positive, connection-driven interaction into a negative one.

And negative interactions take a toll on our relationships. Studies show that we need 5 positive interactions to make up for every negative interaction we have with someone close to us.

So why does this happen?

According to Transactional Analysis, communication breakdowns happen because we’re not fully present in our conversations.

Instead of reacting to the here and now, we’re communicating from different ‘ego states’. And when these ego states are crossed, conflict happens.

This article will teach you how to use Transactional Analysis to have better, more constructive conversations (and interactions, in general) with the people closest to you.

Part 1 will introduce Transactional Analysis, the different ego states, and common transactions. Part 2 will focus on the ‘games we play’ and how to change them.

Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychological theory, developed by Eric Berne in the 1960s, that helps explain why we think, act and feel the way we do.

TA claims that we can better understand ourselves by analyzing our transactions with the people closest to us. Transaction = conversation/interaction between two people.

TA is most effective for understanding: 1) transactions with people you’re close to, not colleagues or acquaintances and 2) transactions about sensitive, important topics such as sex, money, jealousy…pretty much anything that’s triggering, i.e. causes a deep-rooted emotional reaction in you or the other person.

TA is based on 3 principles:

• We all have three ‘ego states’ (Parent, Adult, and Child)
• We all have transactions (with other people, or internally with ourselves)
• We all (unconsciously) activate our ego states in our transactions, which can lead to conflict, negative emotions, pain, etc.

Basically, transactional analysis is about identifying which ego states are present in your transactions so that you can become more conscious of your thoughts and behaviors, and ultimately have better, more constructive transactions with the people closest to you.

Ego states: Parent, Adult & Child

We all have all three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These ego states are made up of consistent feelings and behaviors. *Ego states aren’t always negative, see below.

These ego states are being activated all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not:

Parent (rooted in the past) — Contains the attitudes, feelings, and behavior incorporated from our parents (or any primary caregiver). It involves responding as one of our parents would have: saying what they would have said, feeling what they would have felt, behaving how they would have behaved.

• nurturing parent: caring, loving, helping
• controlling parent: criticizing, reprimanding, censoring, punishing, etc.

Adult (rooted in the present) — Our ability to think and act based on what’s happening in the here and now. Think of transactions you have with colleagues or acquaintances. These are usually pretty straightforward, without a lot of emotional triggers.

• A good way to know if your Adult ego state is activated is to examine whether your questions/comments are fueled by compassion and curiosity, or the desire to blame, criticize or prove a point.

Child (rooted in the past) — Contains the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that we experienced as a child.

• natural child: curious, creative, open, loving
• adaptive child: guilty, afraid, depressed, anxious, envious, prideful, trying to please everyone…you get the picture.

IMPORTANT: The adaptive child is one of the most troublesome parts of our personality. It developed as we learned to change (adapt) our feelings and behavior in response to the world around us.

Understanding ego states

According to TA, our 3 ego states ‘show up’ whether we want them to or not, so it’s important to be aware of what they ‘look’ like.

The good news is that this is pretty easy to do. Simply think back and answer the following questions:

• Child: When you were a kid what do you remember feeling? What was a theme in your interaction with your parents? Were you always fighting for their attention? Did you feel unconditional love? Did you feel that you needed to prove yourself?

This is what Tony Robbins is getting at when he asks: “Think of the person whose love you craved most: what did you have to be for that person to accept and love you? What did you have to think or do to gain their approval?”

• Parent: When you were a kid how do you remember your parents behaving? Were they critical? Distrustful of others? Overly cautious? Reckless? What were their beliefs about the world, money, people, etc.?

Now pay attention to which elements of your Child and Parent ego states you’ve integrated into your own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors.

Every person’s Parent and Child ego states are different.

For example, when my Child ego state is activated I shut down and can’t talk to anybody. Other people’s Child may get defensive or lash out. It all depends on the patterns you picked up as a child.

Now, think about the people closest to you. What does your partner’s Child ego state look like? What about their Parent?

Understanding transactions: Complementary, Crossed & Ulterior

According to TA, there are three kinds of transactions: Complementary, Crossed & Ulterior. Part 1 will only focus on Complementary and Crossed transactions. Part 2 will focus on Ulterior transactions.

It’s important to realize that there are three parts to each transaction:

1. What you say (your activated ego state)

2. The response (and ego state) you expect to ‘receive’

3. The response you actually receive

Complementary

Complementary transactions = effective and successful communication.

Complementary transactions are when two people’s ego states are sympathetic or complementary to one another.

This means that what you say and the response you expect to receive, and actually receive, are aligned.

A complementary interaction is when Person 1 (Parent) speaks to Person 2 (Child), and Person 2(Child) responds to Person 1 (Parent). It’s easier to understand with pictures, see below.

Example 1: Adult — Adult

Money is a trigger topic (at least in my experience) because it’s uncomfortable, stressful and emotional to talk about.

A complementary transaction around money would like this:

In this transaction, all is good:

• Person 1 is curious about something, and asks a question from the Adult ego state, hoping they’ll receive an answer from Person 2’s Adult ego state.
• Person 2 responds from his/her Adult ego state.
• Result: All good, two Adults are working together to understand a problem, make decisions, etc.

*I’m assuming that Person 1’s question is fueled by curiosity, thus coming from the Adult ego state. However, it could be that Person 1’s question is actually fueled by a desire to blame or prove a point. In this case, Person 1’s ‘Parent’ ego state is probably being activated, not the Adult.

Either way, the point of transactional analysis is to pay attention to your conversations with the people closest to you. To bring awareness to what roles (ego states) you’re both activating and why.

Example #2: Parent - Child

Another complementary transaction is Parent -> Child. For example, this can occur when one person is sick and wants to be taken care of by the other person (P).

• Person 1 feels like shit. Their Child ego state is activated because they want to be taken care of. They expect Person 2 to respond as a Parent.
• Person 2 understands Persons 1’s request and is happy to oblige. Person 2’s Parent ego state is activated and they happily take care of Person 1.
• Result: All is good. There’s a balance of ‘giving & receiving’ and both parties feel loved.

How do you know you’re having a complementary transaction?

1. You feel ok (i.e. you’re not overwhelmed with emotions)
2. You feel seen and understood
3. The conversation can go on forever (no emotional outbursts, hurt feelings, slamming doors, or conversation stoppers — i.e. “I’m done with this conversation right now”). This means you can actually reason about things, make decisions, create a plan, etc.

Crossed Transactions

Crossed transactions happen when Person 1 says something from one ego state, and receives a different response than he/she is expecting.

For example: Back to the money topic.

In this transaction, all is NOT good:

• Person 1 is curious about something, and asks a question from the Adult ego state, hoping they’ll receive an answer from Person 2’s Adult ego state.
• Person 2 is triggered. They’re Child ego state is activated (they feel criticized or patronize) and they’re pissed.
• Result: Probably a fight, or an abrupt end to the conversation. Of course it’s ok if this happens once in a while, however habitual communication breakdown is harmful to a relationship.

Another example is:

• Person 1 feels like shit. Their Child ego state is activated because they want to be taken care of. They expect Person 2 to respond as a Parent.
• Person 2 hears Persons 1, but doesn’t see what the big deal is. His/her Adult ego state is activated and they tell Person 1 to rest.
• Result: Person 1 probably feels hurt because his/her needs weren’t being met. *Again, crossed transactions happen all the time. TA is about bringing awareness to these transactions so we can reduce their negative effect.

According to TA, all communication breakdowns occur because of a crossed transaction.

When you’re in the middle of a crossed transaction, the only way to get it back to a constructive place is for one, or both of you, to shift ego states.

Usually, it’s best to shift (or try very very hard to shift) to the Adult ego state. However, it can vary. You need to be attuned to what’s actually happening in a conversation and the needs of each person (hard to do, but possible with practice).

Now what?

TA is a great tool to help you have better, more constructive conversations with the people closest to you. It can help you:

• Be more aware of what the other person needs (does your friend need you to be a Parent (and nurture) or an Adult (and give advice)?
• Analyze your relationship patterns, is one of you consistently activating his/her Child ego state? Do you like this pattern?

Ask yourself:

1. What ego states are being activated in my transactions (by me AND my partner/friend/etc.?
2. What ego state response am I (or the other person) expecting?
3. What patterns do I see? Is one ego state constantly being activated? When/with who?
4. Do I want this ego state to be activated like this?

In Part 2 I’ll explore Ulterior transactions and the games we play. Stay tuned:)

References

• Games People Play by Eric Berne
• I’m Ok, You’re Ok by Thomas A. Harris

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