The lyrics say -

“So, before you go

Was there something i could have said to make your heart beat better?

If only I’ve known you had a storm to weather”

( well according to my understanding this is what this song makes me feel — 🫠” Sometimes its really hard to share all the things with the person we love the most because we also don't know what words should we use which makes it less painful for the same person with whom we just want to share lots of happiness instead of sorrows”.

I think my hands are shaking with what I am thinking to write at the first place and what I'm going to write down now. I am trying not to add worst or dark you can say things that end up making you why you even read

I am not pseudo feminist nowadays but i am just a woman remembering all those which I should not. It's not about someone using me abusing me or maybe be worst thing you can think of ummm yeah someone tried to molest me. It's not all about these though its enough for anyone to get anxiety attacks or move into depression but I guess the body of human is like a solid rock just like the heart.

I am just scrolling up and up everyone seems so happy not exactly I am going through with their Instagram or something I am watching whatsapp status yeahhh.

One is happy with holding a graduation cap and degree, another happy holding a hand which they promise they will never leave but deep down they also know why they are even doing it just for the pictures( now here is the thing and you people need to guess it why pictures are even that important for us that we actually end up doing things which we actually hate deep down. Like holding hands and with whom we never thought we will end up having a future with and here we are holding hands like we met in school time and make such promises i will never leave you where you are not even sure about your own life).

I know for positive people it's like I am writing the worst piece ever but if you really an overthinker you still stick to that because we know how it feels to see a rainbow with no colors.

I always have trouble falling asleep but i understood this thing a few years back and i laugh at this thing when i am ingroup or with family that I like to use to phone. But nobody choose to turn the other page that says it's trouble for me to get asleep and wakeup with the same energy in the morning because earning is not the only thing I care about now, the dreams where money is not included. Growing up is like darkest part for the an overthinker why one someone become an overthinker do you even thought about it.

Well in a few lines — the things which we have imagined or dreamt of never happened in the way we wanted and whenever we love someone that person ends up hurting in the exact place where we have told them not to. So, we always and always overthink all the things where it feels good. Can be in a true relationship we end up judging that person if that person will hurt us as other did. If something good happened then we overthink looking up the sky “ahhhh why good things happening ahhhh i know just after i will smile something bad will happen because thats what we used to lol”.

But there is no solution for this anxiety attacks may be will happen again, the only thing that helps is to find the same person like you but less depressing or either high on depression. Because you will either learn from the person on how to live your life or end up teaching that person how to live your life and god knows that learning or teaching ways will also make you sober down you dont get so high on overthinking. 🙂

Tough to realize what I say and what I not, tough for others to think my thought.

One day I had an argument, ( well I always have an argument ) because this is me because I can't explain what I thought. Well leave it apart, one day I had an argument with my partner, well we were talking about why being said such things to me.

In the Argument “ in the funny chat, someone close to him said to me that after a few years we will be getting a cow and the from the expression I can tell they were referring to me but I stayed calm and try to keep silent( i might be wrong, but my thoughts were different). I know what I did was completely a wrong thing being a woman I should say something but the situation didn't let me, everyone was happy that time.

In my thought, I was fighting with myself that I should discuss this thing to my partner. My thoughts are bothering me very much, because I didn't utter a word that time, now I am here fighting with my thoughts.

After few hours I had words regarding this but it turned out in a massive argument, I know if I bring this then I might be ruining our night but I had to because this thing is bothering me very much. So we had arguments and at the end of the argument we end up fighting and saying we better stay away from each other.

He said sorry for this, but it wasn't sorry he was making me understand he and that person didn't mean that but my thoughts were saying a different story. I know I said such things in anger and he did also, I know I shouldn't have created a scene as I did but I had to, my thoughts were killing me. Being an independent girl I have to protect my respect if my thought is saying “this is not right” then I have to clear it.

The woman I am becoming,

it will cost me relations, people, career,

but at the end, if they meant to be with me they will be with me,

because i love them, hope they love me too.

This is the thing about woman, we are not allowed to say things if we find it wrong. BUT WHY???

My thoughts were not allowing me to accept it as a joke so I said this to him although he apologized for the mistake and that person too I can sense that it wasn't an apology it was their ego which was hurt.

We woman thinks that we can changes thing with our love no this is not true sometimes we had to speak for ourselves.

Read more at : blogitwitharushi.com

I don't mean What I Say- MY THOUGHT was originally published in WOMEN TRANSLATOR on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

FROM TODAY, SO 10th MAY 2019

I am working in an IT Industry a well-known firm where everything is fair because its a corporate world but I was new to this world though now I am not BUT I was a few months back. I have settled myself in a team but after a few months, because of some personal issues my manager kicked me out of his team and shifted me to another team “yes, I was angry” but I was neutral so i have created a profile for them through which they were getting business for the team and it was my damn profile and didn't let me use for myself. I got pissed off I have deleted my al the article yes complete profile and it's zero now but didn't realize it is the only portfolio I have sorry I had…

and also I have agreed to them that I have deleted the profile although I am not guilty it just I have lost the only chance I have before now I have to start from scratch.

yes that just happened

I AM BIG TROUBLE MAKER