Feminists aren´t just angry lesbians, who hate men and are not to be argued with because they are extremely aggressive and offensive. Feminism isn´t just for one specific group of people, it does not depend on gender, race, class, or religion, it´s basically for everyone. Unfortunately there are so many misconceptions floating around, but it can be very simple:

“I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.”
― Rebecca West

There is no growth, no change of mind, no change, without education. 3 years ago I claimed to be a feminist myself, to exactly know what feminism is…little did I know. 15 books later coupled with real-life experiences, I think I slowly got an idea. I´m strongly encouraging you, to scam through this article to see what book inspires you the most, what resonates the most with you, and what knowledge you are most probably lacking.

Education can change the world. Facts are more powerful than guesses. People can´t deny facts.

1. We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Helped me…take the step to get actively involved in the feminist movement

About: Everything a beginner needs to know about feminism. Even Beyoncé used her words in her song. If you haven´t read it, what are you waiting for?

“I would like to ask that we begin to dream about and plan for a different world. A fairer world. A world of happier men and happier women who are truer to themselves. And this is how to start: we must raise our daughters differently. We must also raise our sons differently.” — favourite quote from the book

2. Difficult Women by Helen Lewis

Helped me…embrace my wild feminist side and speak louder.

About: Tells the story of the major battles in gender equality of the last hundred years like divorce, the vote, sex, play, safety, love, education, and abortion. You get to know real working-class suffragettes who advocated bombings not the whitewashed modern search for feel-good, inspirational heroines.

“Well-behaved women don’t make history: difficult women do”

3. Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez

Helped me…get over my unconscious struggle of not having enough arguments and data of the injustices.

About: Government policies, and medical research, to technology, workplaces, and the media are built for and by men, so that we are systematically ignoring half of the population, often with disastrous consequences

Imagine a world where…

· Your phone is too big for your hand

· Your doctor prescribes a drug that is wrong for your body

· In a car accident, you are 47% more likely to be injured.

If any of that sounds familiar, chances are you’re a woman

I was shocked but at the same time grateful I learned about biases that personally affect myself. Tons of information and examples. I love it, it´s brilliantly researched and backed up and I need facts.

4. Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay

Helped me…to appreciate my own growth journey as a woman, while appreciating my privileges.

About: The journey of the author´s evolution as a woman. She is super honest in her narratives about stereotyping, racial profiling, and politics. I found myself laughing & crying at the often heartbreaking content.

“I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all.”

5. Hood Feminism by Mikkie Kendall

Helped me…get more educated on the life of non-white, non-privileged women. Getting more women CEOs is nice, but this looks pale in comparison to food insecurity, housing issues, gun violence, and sexual assault.

About: Points out a glaring blind spot in mainstream feminism: meeting basic needs as a feminist issue, including food insecurity, access to quality education, safe neighborhoods, a living wage, and medical care. Gives advice on how to stand in solidarity with one another.

“There’s nothing feminist about having so many resources at your fingertips and choosing to be ignorant. Especially when the consequences aren’t going to be experienced by you, but will instead be experienced by someone from a marginalized community.”

6. The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir

Helped me…to be grateful for what we have achieved yet and at the same time fueled my decision because some things are still the same after all those years have passed. (Book is from 1949)

About: Why female is (and has been throughout history) the other, less valued sex in society. The book explores many different facets, such as biology, psychoanalysis, history, philosophy. Few feminist writers before then had challenged the status quo through such a massive attempt in depicting the female experience. Revolutionary book! We should all get educated on feminism history.

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.”

7. Feminism Is For Everybody by Bell Hooks

Helped me…to know again that feminism has many facets, and it´s not about hating men.

About: Feminism as a bigger picture: it offers not only a definition of feminism but examines topics such as race, gender, class, parenting, masculinity, and politics.

8. On Intersectionality by Kimberlé Crenshaw

Helped me… grasp the fact that one can experience bias in multiple ways because racial inequality isn´t separate from inequality based on gender, class, sexuality, or immigrant status. It made me wanna support those who experience various injustices at once.

About: The complex facets of discrimination and exclusion with often complex racial, gender, or sexual identities because forms of inequality often operate together and exacerbate each other.

“Sexism isn’t a one-size-fits-all phenomenon. It doesn’t happen to black and white women the same way”

9. Can We All Be Feminists edited by June Eric-Udorie

Helped me…understand that we are all different women but in the end, we all have one goal. I´m now more informed about diverse backgrounds from a hijab-wearing Muslim to a disability rights activist to a transgender journalist.

About: Seventeen writers on intersectionality, identity, and finding the right way forward for feminism. Can a feminist movement that doesn’t take other identities like race, religion, or socioeconomic class into account even be considered feminism? How can we make feminism more inclusive?

“If feminism is to cease to be a movement for the few, privileged women must start listening to women who are poor, women who are undocumented, women who are queer, women who are on the margins of society, elevating those voices instead of their own”

10. Living A Feminist Life by Sarah Ahmed

Helped me…to feel less isolated in the often lonely fight for equality.

About: Ordinary experiences of being a feminist at home and at work. Gives inventive solutions — such as forming support systems — to survive the shattering experiences of facing the walls of racism and sexism.It feels like having coffee with Ahmed. It gets past the often impenetrable academic feminist discourse to something more relevant to everyone

“When you expose a problem you pose a problem. It might then be assumed that the problem would go away if you would just stop talking about or if you went away.”

11. This Will Be My Undoing by Morgan Jerkins

Helped me…as a white girl understand the black womanhood and the struggles of blackness, and feminism.

About: Her incisive commentary on pop culture, feminism, black history, misogyny, and racism with her own experiences to confront the very real challenges of being a black woman today

“I was never taught that the world would nurture me, so I perfected the ways of hiding.”

12. Good And Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger by Rebecca Trasiter

Helped me… appreciate my female anger as political fuel to transform the world and give a fxck about being “ladylike“ whatever this is.

About: The story of female fury and its long history of bitter resentment as well as the ways that anger is received when it comes from women as opposed to when it comes from men.

“Mad is good”

I hope at least some of these explanations have inspired you to buy one or more of these extremely valuable bundles of information. Don´t guard you current beliefs like they are the one-and-only truth. Take the leap and read something you usually don´t read. What´s the worst that can happen? Enlightment? Understanding? Empathy?

I discovered a new kind of orgasm just by touching my boobs

This is an homage to one of the most beautiful parts to the female body: breasts and an appreciation post to the man who showed me completely unknown emotions and the power of taking time for caring for the breast as she deserves.

This is for you as a spouse if you want to satisfy your woman way more and this is for you, my female goddess, so you can use it to have more fun on your own. Enjoy!

I really like my breasts, I think they are beautiful and they enhance my feminine energy. I like to touch them but I don´t like others to touch them, because they mostly do it wrong. At least that was my opinion until I met the “Boobisfaction Man” (don´t judge me, I needed to refer this experience to my friends, we got drunk, that´s his official code name). Many men just go wild with them, there isn´t much sensuality, and I can´t help but think about kneading dough when they touch them. Yeah, I know not really sexy.

Fun fact: Did you know the nerves of the breasts and the clitoris are running together in the same brain area? I found this out while I was doing research after my mind-blowing experience. It´s also an essential part of genital stimulation. That explained a lot to me.

So I went on a pretty normal date with this guy I met at a fitness event, we talked, had the same interests, and he asked me out. The dinner was very nice, but nothing super special happened, we talked, we laughed, but it wasn´t this “Omigosh, he is the man of my dreams”. But there certainly was an attraction so we ended up at my place. I wanted to say this, so you know that it has nothing to do with having a special partner.

I´m a huge fan of doing things slowly, building up the tension more and more and he was exactly doing that. Normally, many guys just rip off the bra. But he looked at my breasts in the bra and he adored them. I think that this is so important because women choose their underwear or their lingerie wisely, we spend a lot of money on them, so it´s great to get that feedback: Yeah your boobs look fantastic in it.

But after he took off the bra, the real surprise session started. He really appreciated my breasts. Like he never saw breasts before (I assure you he has and not few). But it wasn´t just a “Woah” or a “so hot” and on with the show, he looked at them soo long. I am fully in alignment with my breasts but I think for women who struggle with them, this can be huge! Even my self- confidence about them was pushed a lot.

But now we get into the “how to really do it” part — a la Boobisfaction Men, of course

Some guys go crazy until the first second including nipple biting, but most of the time it does not fit the arousal level. As I said we went slow. He was stroking the surroundings of my breast. He was coming from the cleavage, then he went to the side and continued to the under boob, which he did many times, up and down. The tickling sensation in my lower parts only went up. I´m pretty sure someone else has touched these regions before, but I never felt anything comparable. The side boob is my new favorite erogenous zone. I think just the way he did it, so soft (he had amazingly soft hands), so patient, was really what did it. It´s like when you stroke the inside of your arm, only ten times more intense. Let me tell you that I was amazed only after he did this. This would have been enough to get stuck in my memory.

But NO, my body said, we are only on level 4 out of 10!

He was then using his flat hand circling it on my nipple and I was like “Where did he learn this?” But who cares it was awesome. He moved on stimulating my areola, you know the place around the nipple. First with his angelic fingers, then with his lips and later with his tongue. And again he wasn´t licking aggressively, he was just caressing it, just the tiniest bit like it was a Chinese vase. I could barely feel it, but I could, which was enough.

Btw every women´s breasts have a different sensibility. So maybe some women love hard stuff, while for other less is more. I am especially sensible in the second week after my period, don´t ask me why. You just have to find it out what is true for yourself or for your partner.

Now he did an amazing trick. After he licked them, made them moist, he blew air on the area, which created a cold-ish, but intense prickly feeling, my parts down there definitely did correspond.

This combination = Wow!

But only now after a period of time that seemed like several minutes to me, he did something to my nipple. I don´t know what. It was like slow sucking, then pushing it up and down with his tongue, using its teeth only a bid. And as you can imagine he was only THEN doing the bite. That was it, I couldn´t hold it back anymore. That was my breast orgasm. That was the tip of the iceberg. It wasn´t like a normal orgasm, it was something different, but I love this feeling equally. You know when an orgasm is like an explosion which fades away, this is like constantly being at the edge of the cliff, but you only jump down halfway. It´s hard to explain, try it.

Can we just hold on for a second and focus on the fact that he did this just with my breasts? So slow sex got a whole new meaning for me, I´ve lost the notion of time, but let´s say 8 minutes just for the breasts. Hello?

What can I say, I love how he did this. And of course, we met again, he did other amazing stuff. Try using a blindfold, multiplies experiences ten times. Try stimulating breasts and clitoris together, I am sure the neurons in the brain go crazy (I´m studying neuropsychology maybe I should do a…no). Sadly our paths split, but happily, I know how to do it now. I know how to teach other men. But this first experience got stuck in my brain. If you haven´t tried it, really, I couldn´t recommend it more.

I Didn´t Know One Can Do This with Breasts was originally published in Sexual Tendencies on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

A family of five lost friends and was bullied, because they all went vegan.

The father said: “Passion is misunderstood to be aggression or hatred. There seems to be some kind of divide where people meet vegans with aggression and resistance, when you are just trying to raise awareness about practices.”

An employee of the NatWest bank told a customer that “all vegans should be punched in the face”

This is real stuff that vegans have to face every day.

Going vegan was easy peasy for me. It was like swimming in the lake instead of the pool, I still swim (I still eat). I just spontaneously decided to give up all animal products and I had no cravings ever since, the switch in my brain just flipped and I was very happy with my choice. Well, that was before I visited my family the first time after that transition. That was before I had to justify my veganism ten times within one evening.

The tireless justification of your diet choices

It´s a problem almost every newborn veggie needs to deal with, but it´s a topic not often talked about. Everyone discusses the struggle of finding vegan alternatives or paying more for groceries, but this social aspect is often left aside. I hope my following reflections on this issue will help new vegans to battle their way to the jungle of questions.

I found an intriguing paper called “The Vegan Resistance” by Kristof Dhont and Joachim Stoeber from the University of Kent. They asked themselves the question of why people get upset and angry when someone else decides to give up meat, cheese, and dairy? I mean their body, their health= their choice, isn´t it? So why is there hostility and discrimination against veggies?

Their psychological research throws light on this. Prejudice against vegans is connected to other types of prejudice. People don´t like unknown things. That is why especially family members are often reacting bewildered. When you make significant changes in your life that are different from what your family has been accustomed to, they’ll naturally resist. It´s like you are changing, so a part of their life is changing too and they can´t control it. It would be the same if you would declare you discovered your homosexual or you will quit your 9–5 job to launch your own business. It threatens their existence.

My whole family loves meat. My grandpa used to have his own rabbits, which he butchered himself. There is no real meal without meat or at least fish. So my grandma always integrates meat when she cooks for the family. She also makes hug cakes with lots of cream. Her first concern when she knew was: “What do I cook when you come?” “Can you even eat anything?”. Of course, this disrupts her life a little bit. At least her meal planning for family events.

There is one thing that we all hold dear. Our ideology and our beliefs. Humans need social cohesion and stability. If you come and go vegan all of a sudden you disrupt the family´s identity. Many people endorse traditional norms and are intolerant towards those deviating from cultural and social conventions. Just imagine what would happen if the angry vegans take over the planet and punish all the meat-eaters for killing animals.

Now to the Biggest Factor:

By not eating animal products, they indirectly feel as if you are expressing moral disapproval of their eating behavior. It´s this uncomfortable feeling of being morally judged. This is even potentiated when you answer the fearsome question: “Why?”. Because it doesn´t matter what you say: “I do it for better health”, “I don´t wanna hurt animals” or “I do it for the climate” they take your finger and point it towards themselves. It´s a twisted game you see. They don’t want to feel less environmentally-conscious, unhealthy, or less concerned for animals. It might feel as if you are superior to them because you save the animals, they kill them. It´s fascinating how a bunch of psychological processes are triggered by this one topic.

Here is my list on how to introduce people to your veganism without them throwing broccoli at you:

Note: I had a debate with myself since whether it´s okay to undermine global issues due to the standard omnivore diets for the sake of keeping the harmony in the house. I found out one thing:

1. You Have to Develop a Sixth Sense

Some people are super interested and open-minded they wanna know more. Some make a pondering face and say things like: ,,Well, I try to eat less meat, but…“, some people just have the general “You do you, I do me-attitude”. In those cases, a further elaboration can be very constructive. I even convinced some friends and colleagues to go vegan this way. In other cases, when you notice furrowed brows, just keep it simple. Fighting for your cause can backfire into a heated discussion and even more resistance on the omnivores side. Promise me, you´ll notice one´s general attitude very quickly.

2. Keep Calm

I made the mistake to get irritated instantly because I just hate repeating the same words over and over again. Like at the time I was at a blind date thingy, you know where you switch tables every five minutes while eating dinner. They only had one vegan meal on the card which was “Cheese salad”, so after taking the cheese I basically had a plain salad with tomatoes, which looked funny. So of course one of the first questions was, “Why do you eat salad, they have so many delicious things?” And that ten times.

Try your best to be as polite and understanding as possible. You get what you give. There is this cliché about the angry vegan out there and we don´t wanna support this shxt for no reason.

3. Keep It Short

Answer their “Why ”question as short as possible. Pick a simple response. If you are like me, you are super passionate about this topic, so it´s easy to overwhelm your interlocutor. I say you stick to the great 3: Health, Ethics, or Environment. I usually go with: “I watched a documentary that completely changed my mind” or “Various reasons, like health and ethical reasons”. I´d pick a go-to answer, so you don´t have to scan your mind every single time.

4. Be Confident

Big time. This was my biggest struggle. You made that decision. You have more than valid reasons. You don´t have to please everybody.

5. Take Time for Your Close One´s

If you are like me and your family is completely shocked about your sudden change, explain it to them. Yes, this time, really elaborate on your points and make it understandable for them. It´s frustrating when people closest to you won’t support your decision. But if you just throw a “Well, it´s like this, accept it or don´t” it won´t do any good. Explain how you came to this decision AND remind them that just because you’re vegan, doesn’t mean you’re a completely different person. It doesn´t mean that will have dreadlocks soon, only wear palm branches and live in a cave. (Yes, people have these associations.) You are still you.

The media does a horrible job of educating people about real veganism, so we have to do it. I feel blessed every time someone is interested and I can pour out all my knowledge. I also learned to deal with some critical situations. I hope these tips will help you to ease into the justification process.

Why Stoicism?

It teaches reason, temperance, virtue, understanding — traits that modern people are still struggling with.

In simple words it wants you to act as the manager (in chairman position, “in-action”)of your mind. Body and spirit act as sub-ordinates.

It calls for more awareness. That´s why you´ll notice that almost every task in this challenge includes observing and/or writing the observed down.

Do you wanna be in control of your mind? (As far as you can)

About this challenge: If you wanna take this seriously, if you wanna commit, then don´t read the whole article, but only the task for the next day.

Many of these points may seem obvious, but it seems as if humanity even fails to act on these simple principles. That´s harsh but true.

You´ll also come across many quotes especially from Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius, because why paraphrase it when they say it the best.

1. Control What You Can — Let go of the Rest

This is the most important stoic lesson ever. No discussion. You can dedicate the whole 30 days to this point. You only have so much energy. Don´t waste it on nothingness.

Task: What annoys you throughout the day? How often do you think about the behavior/clothes/life of other people? What external forces do you badmouth? Observe.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.” Epictetus

2. Live in the Now

Task: Set a timer for every hour. The alarm tells you when to stop what you are doing for one minute and just fill your senses with all your surroundings. Pause. Listen. Feel.

3. Don’t Judge Others

Judgment tells you a lot about yourself, it´s just a mirror. So you could as well skip the useless external criticism and directly think about your own faults.

Task: Write down a description of all the people that you interacted with today. You can criticise them. When you look at the written turn it around and project it on yourself. Most of it will be true for your person as well.

“Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others” -Seneca

4. Be Grateful

If you ever heard about the Laws of the Universe you´ll know that we attract according to our vibe & our thoughts. Gratefullness=Abundance=More Abundance.

Task: Set a timer for every hour. When you hear the alarm think of all the things that happened this hour. Be grateful for the seemingly “good” and “bad”, try to find an advantage in everything.

“In all things, we should try to make ourselves be as grateful as possible.” -Seneca

5. Life Your Life

Task: Today, always choose the thing that makes you feel more alive/that excites you/motivates you. (don´t spare this task for the weekend)

“You are afraid of dying. But, come now, how is this life of yours anything but death?” Seneca

6. Know When to Stick (And When to Quit!)

This is all about forgiveness, letting go and freedom.

Task: Write down: What things in your life are like a chain, like a burden, or like shoelaces that make you trip? Free yourself from the chains, unburden the burden, and tie your shoes!

7. See The Bigger Picture

Think about how small your country is compared to the earth. That the earth is just a ball floating in an endless space. Nature is unbelievably smart. It creates the most incredible living beings. Take you, for example, you don´t have to think about how to walk, how to digest, how to speak.

Task: Sit down ten minutes and get all philosophical.

8. Identify Your Ego

The Ego was developed in our early childhood as a construct of our Self. But our ego isn´t us, it simply consists of beliefs about our identity and our surroundings. It always acts out of fear.

Task: Write down 10 things you´d really want to do, but your ego tells you can not.

9. Our perception is everything

Mindset is everything.

Task: Write down the beliefs that you hold about everything. Love/Money/Society/Politics/Nature and flip them. Like “Money is hard to get” to “Money comes easy”. Choose the one that serves you more.

What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.” -Epictetus

10. Love Your Fate

Task: Write down 3 completely unexpected things, that happened to you and how they led you on your path.

“Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will — then your life will flow well” — Epictetus

11. Watch Your Words

Task: Before you speak/before you write a message, count to 3 and observe if your EGO is acting out, if you are acting out of anger or if it´s really you.

“Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue” — Zeno

12. Take a Walk

Task: Obviously. Take a 30-minute walk.

“We should take wandering outdoor walks, so that the mind might be nourished and refreshed by the open air and deep breathing.”- Seneca

13. Ask For Help

Task: Write down the qualities (professions/hobbies) your friends possess. Then write down how it might help you in your life. Ask.

Don’t be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can’t climb up without another soldier’s help?” — Marcus Aurelius

14. Trust Yourself

Your instincts are always the truth. Even though everyone walks this way, do not be afraid to turn around. The world needs just that.

Task: Meditate for 30 minutes and get in touch with your instincts.

15. Remember You Are Going to Die

Task: Create your bucket list.

“Let each thing you would do, say or intend be like that of a dying person”- Marcus Aurelius

16. Review Your Day

Task: Buy a journal. Write in it about today´s matters.

(even if I can´t guarantee it, I´m hoping you´ll see this book again and keep up the journalling. It´s so beneficial)

17. Watch the Wise

Task: Choose a mentor. Remember your childhood heroes, favorite actors, or revolutionists. Write down quotes and then adjust your future actions accordingly. If you wanna go real hard, hire a coach.

18.You Can’t Have It All — Learn to Prioritize

Task: Make a list of 5 things intangible/tangible/people/things, that are really important to you.

“Don’t set your heart on so many things” — Epictetus.

18. Seize The Day

Task: Write down 3 things you wanna get done today. Do them.

“As each day arises, welcome it as the very best day of all, and make it your own possession. We must seize what flees.”- Seneca

19. Remember That You Can’t Be Broken

Task: Option 1: Think of one thing you always wanted to do but never did because of fear: Do it! Option 2: Go for a 40-minute run

“You can bind up my leg, but not even Zeus has the power to break my freedom of choice.” — Epictetus

20. Be Kind

Because there exists no situation which rewards a hateful reaction more than one coming from a place of kindness.

Task: Speak to a plant. Smile at a stranger. Be extra friendly to your cashier.

21. Receive compliments and critique the same way

It´s not about what others say, it´s how we let it change the view of ourselves. If someone says your nose is too big and the next day another one says it´s your best feature, do you change accordingly?

Task: Do you determine your worth by the compliments/critique of others?

22. Cultivate Empathy

Compassion. Understanding. Sympathy. Call it what you want. It´s what every human needs and it´s gonna win you friends.

Task: Ask someone “How are you?” today, and listen carefully.

23. Be Prepared for the Unexpected

Task: Do something completely out of the norm today. Hug your manager. Jump in the river with clothes on. Call someone you haven´t spoken to in 10 years.

“The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing, because an artful life requires being prepared to meet and withstand sudden and unexpected attacks.” — Marcus Aurelius

24. Food is the Best Test Of Self-Control

What are we doing every day? Eating. Use it as a post-it note, a reminder.

Task: Eat no sugar today. Eat something healthy instead (fruits and veggies).

“That God who made man provided him food and drink for the sake of preserving his life and not for giving him pleasure, one can see very well from this: when food is performing its real function, it does not produce pleasure for man, that is in the process of digestion and assimilation.”-Musonius Rufus

25. Failure is Natural, Regret is Foolish

Don’t be surprised by failure, expect it, embrace it, and seek after obstacles in your life which seem uncomfortable. It is here where your character will be tested and most importantly molded and developed.

Task: Buy “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holiday. It changed my life. Alternatively, write down all your failures and how they made you the person you are today.

26. Focus on the Small Things

Do this and you´ll lift your mood significantly.

Task: Food, a friendly cashier, a nice outfit. Focus on them and again: be grateful.

27. Master the Three Domains of Time

You can learn from the past. You can strive for a better future, but you can only act and actively change the present.

Task: With a pencil: Write down 2 things out of the past, that are still holding you back and 2 things that you are scared of in the future. Erase them.

Life is very short and anxious for those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear the future”- Seneca

28. Spread Love

You can act from a place of love or fear. Guess which one serves you more.

Task: Write a message to your spouse/your parent/an old friend for no reason. Just say some nice words.

29. Laugh about Your Fears

Fear is an illusion, but it´s still an integral part of our life. Overcoming fear is the biggest factor for personal growth.

Task: Write down ten irrational fears of yours and commit to fighting them.

Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions not outside.” — Marcus Aurelius

30. Choose a Mantra

What we think about the most is who we are.

Task: Choose your favorite quote from this article and make it your mantra for the rest of this year.

Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.” Epictetus

If you made it this far, congratulations. (Imagine a shoulder pat from your favorite stoic)

Share this story to inspire others.

Daily Stoicism| A 30-Day Challenge to Change Your Life was originally published in Stoicism — Philosophy as a Way of Life on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I love educating myself. I even read books about seemingly irrational topics such as love. As I was searching for literature about polygamy I came across the book. „Out of Eden: The Surprising Consequences of Polygamy“ by the Professor of Psychology David P. Barash. I have this strong urge to share this because I found out many things that I had no clue of. First and foremost the fact that we carry the biological imprint of polygamy in us.

„The biological reality is that we weren´t „made for monogamy“- David Barash

I have to admit that I always thought that something is wrong with me. That it is not normal to desire several relationships at once. I thought the reason behind all this was just my hysteric character, my longing for freedom/newness, and my tendency to get bored easily. Even though I love my lifestyle or „lovestyle“ I often feel out of place because almost everyone around me sooner or later settles for one partner. No wonder that I feel like this. Growing up, they talk about this ideal of finding your soul-mate and living through up´s and down´s, without ever having sexual desires outside of this marriage. Polygamy was discarded as free-spirited sexual adventurism, or an alternative hippie- lifestyle. This is not true. Professor Barash´s findings affirm one finding: The general public has been kept in the dark.

Acknowledged evolutionists and anthropologists discovered that human beings evolved in a regime that was often polygamous. In fact, 80 percent of early human societies were polygamous. There are many reasons for this, convenience, survival, etc., but I wanna introduce you to the hidden biology.

The balance of evidence indicates that we are biologically inclined towards polygamy, but many of us are retaining this urge to “sleep around”.

We are biologically designed to be mildly, not wildly polygenous, like in comparison to extreme cases such as elephant seals and gorillas.

1. Clue: The male to female size ratio. The bigger the difference in size between males and females, the greater the competition. Though not as pronounced as in sea lions and gorillas, our sexual dimorphism resembles those polygamous species more than it does monogamous species such as wolves. You know directly if you have a man or a woman in front of you, whereas I don´t know how to differentiate the gender of a wolve. Australopithecine males (apes, relatives of humans), for instance, that lived millions of years ago were 50% heavier than females.
2. Clue: You are most probably familiar with Darwins “Survival of the Fittest”. Women in disease-prone countries may prefer super healthy (i.e., physically attractive) men to father their offspring. To make this sound more daily life-ish, women (and men) are inclined to make the best choice. We get together and break up because something is missing. We need to have several partners to know what we want and not want, to find the best match for us and provide future harmony for our children.
3. Clue: The size of the testicle: The bigger the balls, the higher the polygamous drive. That´s because polygamy is characterized by high competition, every male wants to impress the female the most. Human men certainly don´t have the biggest testicles on earth, but they get the crown amongst all primates.
4. Clue: Some people are monogamous by their very nature (think personality, attraction, libido, etc.) This is evidenced by them trying and failing to be monogamous despite threats of loss of love, marriage, money, reputation, job, etc. So even genes do play a role.
5. Clue: Polygamy is a prominent driver of sexual evolution. The more partners you get to know, the more you experience and “innovate”. Especially women are more satisfied when they have the choice to change bedrooms once in a while. They are reaching climax more often. On the contrary sexual frustration leads to unproductivity.

According to biology, modern humans should be described as being a mix of monogamous and polygamous. Throughout our evolutionary history, monogamy and polygamy may have switched places as being the dominant human mating strategy number of times.

After all that we know now, I have one question:

Why did monogamy become the norm?

• Monogamy is more economical, like “Let´s not waste our time and energy on fighting over females”
• Polygamy tends to cause social problems, leaving many angry men without wives and inclined to behave in risky ways.
• Socially, religious and legal constraints play a gigantic role. Polygamy is politically fraught, emotionally disruptive, economically confusing, illegal in some states and yet we are biologically predisposed.
• “Human Nature” became a social construct and is often not biologically founded. Existing competing narratives are much more about interests and illusions than what is actually true.

Polygamy is human. Monogamy is human. All other forms of love are human.

„The iconic image of the happy, naturally monogamous, heterosexual twosome has been with us for a long time, but it has always been a fiction.“ David Barash

So, this is the current state of the relevant science. I wanted to share this because I think it´s crucial to get to know ourselves and give up some old, still cherished notions (=monogamy is the only form of relationships). Biology is not destiny. Even so, I would argue that there are some today for whom that biological imprint of polygamy seems to provide a stronger, not to say irresistible, urge. Aka me. I don´t wanna know what would be the consequences of rejecting our inherited polygamous inclinations, because of shame. I feel more stable, understood, and confident, now.

This reminds me of a Youtuber who talked about an ayahuasca ceremony, where he asked “Mama Aya”: “I wanna marry my woman, I love her unconditionally, but I still want over women´s bodies. I really don´t understand. She answered: “No worries. Sexuality is something that can´t be understood. By nobody. You are okay”

We are trouble
smoking
in the midst of
saturation
starvation
individualism
collectivism
independence
captivity
cause the ambivalence
makes it hard to
trust

We are trouble
shaky
with our decision if
mirroring
wrecking
reshuffling
endorsing
perfecting
revolutionizing
the societal elements
is necessary or
suicidal

We are trouble
struggling
if we should
engage
laugh
defend
correct
depreciate
rebel
when they accuse us
of most diabolical
action

We are trouble
knowing
we are rather
alcoholic
addicted
untamable
careless
wayward
confused
than as stiff as you are
thinking you know it all
suffocating

Nothing.

People come here with the expectation to get famous with one article, earn $3.000 a month, and get curated every week

We don´t want stories from the Mount Everest

Excitement vs. Daily Life. It seems like these two don´t go well together. While journalists are hunting down the next sensational story, extreme, horrific, unbelievable things, articles on Medium are the more “my cat, my house, my daily issues“. I´m sorry if a journalist who traveled around the globe is reading this, but I´m equally interested in a story about someone else´s cat almost suffocating from a litchi. And that’s it: I often feel guilty for not being affected by a news feed about social conflicts at a faraway country, but it´s just like that: it seems so distant and so not-important for me. Instead, when I read an article of a normal person just like me, I instantly feel connected with them. It´s not high science. There is no need to fly to a war zone or a G20 summit. There are lots of professionals out there, who are doing just that. But I prefer staying at my cozy home.

Good writing´s not always about good education

I don´t wanna undermine the power of a university degree here, but I can tell you one thing: Studying journalism at university for one year taught me as much as one month writing my own blog. Practice makes perfect. Working for a „real“ magazine often requires an educational background of some sort. You can´t just write a bunch of great articles, send it to them and hope they will bow down before you. Wait? Isn´t that what medium does? Well, not the bowing down part I guess. You bring great content. You get rewarded. Sure luck plays a role, but you don´t have to wait a year to get people to see your stuff. It gives us amateurs a chance.

An ode to publications

Who does not want to be Miranda Priestly in „The Devil Wears Prada“? I think it´s a dream of every writer/journalist to be the chief editor of a famous magazine. But there are only so many magazines out there, yet hundreds of talented could-be-editors. Maybe you will scoff now, but I think the medium publications are giving us more than a taste of living that dream. It can start with the intention of having a place for related articles and turn into a joined group of like-minded writers. Isn´t that miraculous? I think it´s not only about success. When I started my blog about female entrepreneurship I loved every second of the work. Because I was so passionate about both feminism and writing, even if I had three visitors a day, I was deeply fulfilled, just for the heck of it.

Everything in one place

There was a time when I had 4–5 print magazines delivered to my doorstep. I am what you call a polymath. I show interest in many different areas: History, Veganism, Feminism, Astronomy, Spirituality… I want all the knowledge I can get. One can imagine that the cost of five print magazines costs a fortune plus some of the stories went to deep into the subject, so I lost interest. Medium´s the perfect place for people like me. I just google the matter of interest and taaadaaa tons of publications pop up. I get to put together my own box of chocolates according to my preferences.

How much do you keep from the following articles: “How plastic bags endanger the earth” vs. “My dog almost suffocated because of a plastic bag”?

It´s cozily personal

How many times have you seen an article in a magazine that made you feel like you´d sit at the kitchen table with the writer, drinking hot cocoa? Mostly the article is all formal and they slap a bunch of amazingly informative facts in your face, but you don´t take it to your heart. Instead, here you can follow your favorite writer. A real person. Here, people talk about breaking up with their boyfriends, having a hair transplant, and being polygamous. Hello? I could as well read your diary. Tell me: How much do you keep from the following articles: “How plastic bags endanger the earth” vs. “My dog almost suffocated because of a plastic bag”? Right.

Although Medium´s not all sunflowers and happy writers (don´t get me started on dead publications floating around like spaceships and never being curated) between all the online magazines that are out there it´s a great alternative. If not THE BEST. Believe me, because I once started a blog, wrote 100 high-value articles and nobody saw it. I sent my work to many magazines and the majority didn´t even answer. People come here with the expectation to get famous with one article, earn $3.000 a month, and get curated every week. It can happen, but you shouldn´t make this your compulsory requirement to continue writing. What you CAN expect for sure: Having a place to get your work out there, to find like-minded people, and to get inspired by billions of articles.

Happy writing.

I´m gonna try my best to find as many synonyms as I can for bubblegum so you don´t go crazy while reading.

Sadly there isn´t a scientifically backed up scale to know what is normal and what isn´t, like 10 bubble gums a day is okay and 11 means you are an addict. An addict (dramatic music). What makes me use this alarming word? I mean, chill, it´s only a mini-resistance band!

Two reasons:

1. I have the huge urge to get a piece of gum and I have to try really hard to fight it and
2. I eat a considerable amount of them throughout the day.

Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, we gonna get into the psychology behind eating bubblegum. Let the mystery unfold itself.

I wanna get one thing clear: I may as well be addicted to eating or drinking, but the difference is that one makes me feel fat and dirty and the other one makes me pee. Bubblegum has no side effects whatsoever and makes my breath fresh. The catch: I just need to put something in my mouth (we are still talking about gum). I need to take/ingest something. What makes me worry even more is the amount. When someone asks me if I want one of their gummy friends, I wanna say yes, but at the same time, one bubblegum is as good as nothing, I want 3 or 4. The same goes for food and drinks. Even though I do have some self-discipline I often eat with no limits and I did binge drink alcohol in the past. Yes. But it only happens at parties or “special occasions”, so it´s not comparable to a disorder.

Speaking of disorders:

As I did my research on “bubble gum addiction” I thought I´d find nothing. But what I came across really scared me. Dental problems, lockjaw, digestive issues, eating disorders. That was when I realized: This is not a joke. Several “Fight the chewing gum addiction articles” suggesting to substitute it with fennel seeds, establish gum-free hours, etc. made my brain turn into a gum itself.

“People with eating disorders often use chewing gum as a tactic to stave off eating”

A relief: I did not use gum to substitute real meals! But the fact that people do this made me cringe. Should chewing gum companies establish a warning sign such as tobacco companies?

Okay, now we go too far. Eating disorder. What am I doing? You know when you google your symptoms and you think you gonna die the next day? Well after this researching odyssey I figured I had a severe psychological problem, sitting chuckling behind the innocent gum. A good night´s sleep kicked me back into reality. Even though I didn´t have an eating disorder, there still has to be a reason for my cravings. I unavoidably ended up grasping for the real psychological reason behind it all.

Here are some probable reasons:

• Life changes, stressful events, stress of any kind
• a way to feel more in control of life
• low self-esteem and feeling hopeless
• difficulty expressing anger or controlling impulsive behaviors.
• negative emotions related to body image and boredom
• Perfectionism (a form of compensation for failure)
• Counteracting a mental disorder: again negative feelings temporarily go away
• Filling the void: dealing with loss or lack of belonging, love

These are the psychological reason, there are physiological ones like hormonal imbalances or a sensitive metabolism, but they are very rare.

I´m not a fan of putting myself into the box, so I couldn´t identify with one major reason. I am stressed sometimes, I have difficulty expressing anger and I have a lack of belonging. With this examination, I did not feel satisfied, but I didn´t want to dig deeper. I gotta confess bubble gum scared me.

What did I do?

I tried to be more disciplined, drinking a glass of water instead. I tend to crave gum when I´m studying/ writing articles so I tried to concentrate more on the activity, maybe going for gum was my way of avoiding the work. I also meditated instead, getting in touch with my emotions. And one major thing: I ate fewer carbs and more fats because I found out my metabolism likes them a lot and I don´t get hungry as fast.

Sorry, the mystery isn´t solved. We gotta call Jonathan Frakes. But maybe you learned something about the sweet little gumballs. Remember: A good meal over a good chew.

Inner voice aka interviewer: ,,What have you planned for the next collection launching in June?”

Me aka famous fashion designer: ,,I definitely wanna play more with colors and create disrupted patterns as a reflection of our non-conformist style”

(An idea pops up in my head and I´m jumping to the next notebook scribbling it down)

I don´t like mainstream fashion, you could say I´m an anti-mainstreamist.

(,,Wow that´s a great slogan”. Scribbles again.)

If you are completely confused now, great. This is an example of my daily self-talk sessions, where I just talk about my passion and the most amazing business ideas enter my mind. Meanwhile, I can´t dose my inner excitement. I am a bubblegum dispenser, but just as people can´t chew that much bubblegum, they can´t stand my hyperactivity very long. That´s why I love speaking to myself.

People may assume at first, that it is crazy. A mental patient, sitting in an empty room mumbling stuff while moving back and forth. But speaking to yourself is very healthy. It can be witty and inspiring AND can even lead to greater success.

Here are some not-so-obvious benefits and how they helped me tremendously:

1.An outlet for anger, sadness, and frustration:

Instead of keeping these emotions inside, dealing with them alone, overthinking, etc., if you verbalize them, they get out. We all know that talking to someone about our problems is key, it´s unburdening. While talking to a friend or even a therapist many of us are still weighing words. When talking to ourselves we feel so much more comfortable, so it´s easier to just say: I hate my mother. I wanna break up with my boyfriend. I´m having anxiety.

That´s how my story comes in: I´m afraid to talk about my feelings, even with my best friend, I wouldn´t dare to get into the terrifying deep talk. I know that is suuuch an unhealthy habit because I can feel all the tension building up inside of me. At the same time, I can´t defeat the fear to open up. So I talk to myself and it always turns out to be a great relief. I remember watching a video about childhood trauma and it triggered something in me. So I held a monologue asking my parents questions like: ,,Why don´t you ever tell me you are proud of me?” and I started sobbing so hard. It felt so good. I guess this was almost as alleviating as telling another person.

2. Chaotic thoughts and feelings are being sorted

They are put into words and thereby they are so much more clear. If you are writing a journal, you know exactly what I mean. It´s the same when you speak out loud. For me it´s even better because I got so much info pouring out of me, I can´t keep up while writing, but I can speak veeery fast. I had several realizations when words just naturally came out of me, which had a great significance. Like the time I was struggling with my job and during one of my monologues I just spilled out: „My job is so boring, I hate it“. Wow. What took me so long?

3. We memorize spoken things better than thoughts

My history teacher always preached we should say the bullet points out loud to make them stick. What a wise man (I did not think that back then, didn´t make history more interesting). Our brain remembers the sound of the words and by the act of speaking, moving our lips, rolling our tongue, we use another tool out of our memorization toolbox; we involve other senses.

I remember when I wanted to prove to my mom, what an intelligent lil girl I was. So when she sent me to the supermarket to get some stuff, I went without a list. Instead, I said ,,Apples, Rice, Eggs, Sugar…..” all the way to the supermarket. What can I say, I´ve brought all the right items.

4. It can lead to greater success and better results:

A study conducted by psychologists Dietrich Dörner and Ralph Riemann asked 17 architecture students to solve a construction problem alone while being filmed. The best results came from students who asked themselves up to 60 questions like: ,,How am I gonna attach that?”

I agree 100% with this point (as seen at the beginning). I felt so excited, even though this was not my real life. Nowadays, I still talk to myself like this and I get soooo many new ideas for my podcast and my blog.

Words can motivate, calm, or activate. Like athletes cheering themselves up right before a competition or car drivers trying to calm themselves down.

Trick:

If you want your self talk to be even more productive try talking about yourself in the third person. WHAT!? How crazy is that? I know, I know, when I tried it myself for the first time it felt super uncomfortable, weird, and unnatural. But here is WHY:

You gain psychological distance. So when you talk about a tricky situation you are in, which would normally freak you out, it will feel more like the evaluation of a different person. Aka your less stressed. You kind of act like your own therapist. This is where listening comes in. Talking to (or about) yourself plus listening attentively is the magic combination. It´s called self-awareness. Analyzing your little speech is gonna help identifying limiting beliefs, hidden negativity, and unknown truths.

Attention:

What to avoid while self-talking:

No negativity (Mind your words, cause they´ll turn into actions)

No generalization („All my projects fail“, because it triggers the inferiority complex)

No dishonesty (at least be honest to yourself). Well, you can make an exception when it comes to this point. I´m a lover of the Law of Attraction and I often use this pep-talk to get closer to my goals. I will say things like: ,,Hi beautiful”, when I look in the mirror or ,,I am a successful and bad ass businesswoman”, even though I don´t 100% identify myself this way. Fake it till you make it. I promise it works.

And if you are not convinced by now, think about it this way:

Poems are a kind of inner monologues brought on paper, just as the lyrics of your favorite song or the words of the protagonist of the bestselling book you´re reading. It´s the same! We just use a different medium to express it.

Do you know this feeling: Driving to your family for Christmas and as the distance gets smaller, you get smaller, too. When you knock at the door, you are approximately the size of a french fry, exactly the way they want you to be. Their little baby. They don´t want you to grow and change and so you don´t, because you are forever in their debt. Aren´t you?

NO! This is my answer (and I´m very, veryyy confident about it). I came from a place, where I was like a little puppy, who did everything my family said. It took me some time to realize, I am actually an American Bulldog, I´m a wild and charismatic being. By now I´ve developed zero tolerance of mistreatment, prohibition of living the life I want, sacrificing who I am, and enormous discomfort.

Otherwise, the story continues like this: Your mother comments in front of everyone how big your under eyes have become and that you should work less. She told you this is not the right job for you. Of course, you are miserable everywhere, which is not her place. This is emotional oppression at its finest. Did you ever think about not putting up with this behavior, “because they are your family?”. Did you ever wish to say “NO” to the discrimination and “YES” to I am a free, independent individual?

I promise this is not an ode to being self-centered and ignoring family members. But I have witnessed many people suffering from the emotional blackmail and pressure they feel from their parents unable to do anything about it.

The old-fashioned concept:

Society and our family manipulated us to feel guilty. Even though you have the most toxic family and you know in your heart, that you need to leave, this invisible voice is telling you: “You have to stay, otherwise you are a bad child”.Simultaneously with our birth we are obligated to care for our parents until the end of their days and be forever grateful for what they have done for us. Now I am here to plead for a long-overdue liberation.

„To demand compensation for something you gave to someone when you didn´t even know if they wanted it is unfair“

Parents (especially mothers) always come with the same arguments: I pushed you out of my vagina, I worked so hard to provide you all of these things, I was always there for you….and so on.

I am not saying you should turn your back to your parents and be all like: I didn´t ask to be born. I didn´t ask for all those things, because we both know, you would not have liked missing those privileges. What I do discard is the idea of always using these arguments. Dear parent, don´t do this, please. It´s as if you would bring up a huge row you had with your friend, even though it has been settled.

Emotional vs. material:

I noticed one thing always comes short: The emotional aspect. I don´t wanna take a full plate for granted, but to say this very provocative: Why should I be forever grateful that you did not let me starve or sleep on the street? Why should I bow down, because you fulfilled my basic needs?

I wanna take the „Golden Cage Kids“ or Rich Kids as an example. They have more than enough when it comes to material things. But what about the emotional aspect? Being pushed from nanny to nanny, seeing your parents 2 times a week, having your dad leaving your birthday because he has a meeting… I say:

,,Emotional starving is just as bad as actual starving”

I find it especially odd when parents who have suppressed and controlled their children all their live expect love and respect when they are older from their children.

The debt repayment:

Often mothers give up their dream, quit their job to fulfill the mother role and they expect the mother role to fulfill them. And now you, their child, is ungrateful. Shame on you. They feel resentment towards their past, their decision and are even holding a grudge against you. You, the pregnancy, destroyed their life. And I think this is so deeply sad, but it happens a lot. This is where the common phrase comes in:,,I did not ask to be born“, because it is not your fault that your mother didn´t take the pill and made the decision to keep the child. It was her wish to keep the child.

„Even if your thankful for what your mother has done to you, don´t feel guilty for choosing your own life“

It´s simply like that: Your mother (or your father) gave up so much for you and so they feel like they have the right to use you and your life as compensation, like using you to give them the love they never received, using you as a garbage can for frustration or using you to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams. You have to give in, because of their sacrifice for YOU.

“It is unfair because there is an inherited imbalance between give and take. It is as if you would !unasked! transfer 2.000 $ into my account and would then ask me to pay it back (plus interest rates)”

Real vs. artificial gratefulness:

Some parents become so addicted to gratefulness that they inhibit the authentic feeling. So my tip for parents: Instead of seeing gratefulness as an obligation, don´t ask for it, and if you´re lucky, it will come to you naturally. Having the choice yields way more gratitude and pleasant feelings.”

What to do as a child in this tricky situation?

Some of you might say: Easier said than done. Feeling guilty for no rational reason is the product of unconscious emotional manipulation. Hell yes, the conflicts with your parents are a complex topic and everyone should work on their family issues to get rid of old emotional wounds aka healing the inner child.

No one is just giving a fxck about their parents, we are connected to them emotionally if we want it or not. But sometimes it´s exactly saying NO to protect our emotions from further damage.

So if you feel guilty, because of the notion ,,I owe my parents so much” think twice. Our parents are special human beings, but in the end, they are people. You wouldn´t stand a friend or a partner, who would beg you to stay with him, because he did so much for you. Sometimes it´s best to just give in to the laws of family. The more they demand gratefulness, the more you deny it. A vicious cycle. Instead, just say some nice words to them and I promise you it will soothe the conflict. Family can hurt a lot, so in the end, kindness is the way to go. Kindness and FORGIVENESS, maybe not for their sake, but your peace.